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Tis the e-Season

It’s that time again. The season of rabid and unbridled Christmas shopping is upon us. For many people, this time of year involves long hours standing in register lines, wandering through mall aisles, and beating the hell out of old ladies hoping to buy the game console you’ve been eyeballing.

Well, not me. The only lines I’m waiting in are at the bar, and my wandering is limited to finding where the hell I parked my car. As for beating old ladies — well, a guy’s got to get some exercise.

What am I going to do, run on a treadmill? I don’t think so.

As for Christmas shopping, I’m firmly committed to doing all of my gift grabbing online. I’ll get my consumer freak on at Amazon and Woot.com, or I won’t get it on at all. I’m not above giving pocket lint as Christmas presents. It’d beat those Michael Bolton CDs and ‘All I Ever Needed to Know…’ books I used to give as a kid, at least.

“I’m not above giving pocket lint as Christmas presents. It’d beat those Michael Bolton CDs and ‘All I Ever Needed to Know…’ books I used to give as a kid, at least.”

Barring an unfortunate internet outage or sudden crippling carpal tunnel syndrome, though, it shouldn’t come to that. There’s still plenty of time to order trinkets and doodads that nobody wants, and have them delivered before Christmas. With a little luck — and two bucks a pop — I can probably even get them pre-wrapped.

Of course, they won’t be wrapped properly. I’ll have to rip the corners and wrinkle up the bottoms a little bit. And if there are hand-tied bows — forget about it. Those are coming off. If the things are wrapped too perfectly, people will know I had nothing to do with them. They’ll get suspicious. They might call the bomb squad. Again. Not so festive.

I suppose there are downsides to shopping online. The merchandise might arrive damaged or broken — even more broken than if I’d dragged it home from the mall myself. And the pants I buy for my Aunt Rhonda might not fit. But at least I don’t have to wander the mall looking for an eggplant-shaped woman to try them on for size. I walked into the dressing room too early one year, and it took years off my life. Honestly, that’s time I can never have back.

So it’s all-online, all the time for me. If I order all the random Christmas crap I need to give out by the weekend, it’ll be here in plenty of time for the big day. And I won’t have to step foot in a mall, or a parking lot — or heaven forbid, a dressing room — for the rest of the year. And frankly, that’s the best damned present I could ever get.