Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Tis the e-Season

It’s that time again. The season of rabid and unbridled Christmas shopping is upon us. For many people, this time of year involves long hours standing in register lines, wandering through mall aisles, and beating the hell out of old ladies hoping to buy the game console you’ve been eyeballing.

Well, not me. The only lines I’m waiting in are at the bar, and my wandering is limited to finding where the hell I parked my car. As for beating old ladies — well, a guy’s got to get some exercise.

What am I going to do, run on a treadmill? I don’t think so.

As for Christmas shopping, I’m firmly committed to doing all of my gift grabbing online. I’ll get my consumer freak on at Amazon and, or I won’t get it on at all. I’m not above giving pocket lint as Christmas presents. It’d beat those Michael Bolton CDs and ‘All I Ever Needed to Know…’ books I used to give as a kid, at least.

“I’m not above giving pocket lint as Christmas presents. It’d beat those Michael Bolton CDs and ‘All I Ever Needed to Know…’ books I used to give as a kid, at least.”

Barring an unfortunate internet outage or sudden crippling carpal tunnel syndrome, though, it shouldn’t come to that. There’s still plenty of time to order trinkets and doodads that nobody wants, and have them delivered before Christmas. With a little luck — and two bucks a pop — I can probably even get them pre-wrapped.

Of course, they won’t be wrapped properly. I’ll have to rip the corners and wrinkle up the bottoms a little bit. And if there are hand-tied bows — forget about it. Those are coming off. If the things are wrapped too perfectly, people will know I had nothing to do with them. They’ll get suspicious. They might call the bomb squad. Again. Not so festive.

I suppose there are downsides to shopping online. The merchandise might arrive damaged or broken — even more broken than if I’d dragged it home from the mall myself. And the pants I buy for my Aunt Rhonda might not fit. But at least I don’t have to wander the mall looking for an eggplant-shaped woman to try them on for size. I walked into the dressing room too early one year, and it took years off my life. Honestly, that’s time I can never have back.

So it’s all-online, all the time for me. If I order all the random Christmas crap I need to give out by the weekend, it’ll be here in plenty of time for the big day. And I won’t have to step foot in a mall, or a parking lot — or heaven forbid, a dressing room — for the rest of the year. And frankly, that’s the best damned present I could ever get.

Permalink  |  3 Comments

3 Responses to “Tis the e-Season”

  1. Kari says:

    Bourbon. and lots of it. Thats what I am giving out for Christmas this year. See I can go to the bar and get that. Two birds, one stone and all that.

    As far as the old lady beating, I can pretty much do that any time I go to the groc store.

  2. kerry says:

    if i had any money to get christmas gifts this year, i’d be doing my shopping online, too. i hate slagging through a store full of holiday shoppers listening to michael bolton through the speaker system. blech. bah humbug.

  3. Natasha says:

    I really liked your post! I live in Mexico so Im supposed to be bringing all this artesenal crap back but I will be joining the major online purchases! oops, oh well.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved