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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Thanks for Nothing, Thanksgiving!

Well, I’m back.

It was quite the Thanksgiving trip and ensuing weekend. There was fun. There was a parade. There was food — good lord, there was food. I ate enough food to choke a hippo, with leftovers available to stuff it from the other end, too. And there was booze, too. Sweet delicious holiday booze.

But in the end, after all that was over, there was just one thing left: a dead computer. I arrived back home to find my PC crippled and limp. Sometime during my out-of-town festivities, it looked around at the empty office and said:

C drive? We don’t need no steenking C drive!

Problem is, my hotwired metal friend was wrong. It does need a C drive, if it wants to live. And why wouldn’t it want to live? Why, it’s non-stop excitement — the emails, the blogging, the Googling… and all the pixellated porn a CPU could want. Why, oh computer? Why hast thou forsaken me?

Anyway, I was able to rig up a new C drive. The old one was clearly dead; I found it clicking and beeping sadly to itself in a corner of the computer case. Luckily for me, the good shit — or what passes as ‘good’ on my machine, anyway — was on the extra drives. All my ripped CDs — one hundred percent personally owned, of course; nothing to see here, RIAA goon squads! — and video clips were on secondary drives, which seem to spin up just fine.

Unfortunately, those tasty drives aren’t recognized in the new configuration, and I have no idea why. So instead of one teeny fragile drive and two huge muscular data beasts — or, more recently, one teeny broken drive and two huge beasts — I’ve got only one teeny fragile replacement drive. No beasts. No music. No video. And can I play Madden on this ass-backwards ancient thing? Honky, please. I’m pretty sure there’s a tiny little dinosaur inside that drive case, spinning the thing up when I turn it on. When the dino chow runs out, I’m fucked again. I am not looking forward to that.

Meanwhile, I’m fiddling. I figure I’ll either get things back to just about where they were — in time for the replacement drive to smoke and kick out — or I’ll accidentally erase every tiny shred of data that was ever on any of the drives I’ve owned. Which wouldn’t be a horrible crime, even if one believed my standup clips and Best of Big Country CD tracks were somehow worth anything — and I’m pretty sure they’re not. I have no delusions of coolness here, let me assure you.

But even so, I’ve still got the original videotapes, and all the CDs.

(See, I told you I owned all this shit; now bugger off, music industry vulture bastards! It’s ‘personal use’, goddamn you! ‘Personal use!!!)

The issue, of course, is time. Life is short and hectic enough, without futzing with a snarky ‘puter for a week or more, begging and pleading for the damned thing to simply see the same RAID drives that it picked up oh-so-clearly before Thanksgiving. Not to mention re-ripping dozens of CDs — and retaping standup clips and re-installing a handful of video games — just because a crappy, Mickey Mouse piece of electronic detritus finally met its maker. I knew I shouldn’t have bought hard drives with ‘Fisher-Price’ on the label.

(Nah, it wasn’t really Fisher-Price. It was an IBM Deskstar.

So, worse, then. Bitches!)

At any rate, we’ll see how this plays out over the next few days. Without taking a couple of ‘personal days’ at work — or feigning some sort of ‘turkey flu’ or ‘bubonic asthma’ or flesh-eating something-or-other — I’m running short on free time to nurse this bitch back to any semblence of health. And with Christmas looming, is there a bundle of spare cash lying around with which to ‘punt’ and buy a new one? Emphatically, no. Don’t make me ‘honky, please’ you again.

So for now, it’s off to bed. I’m gonna need some rest, if I’m going to tackle this faceless metallic monster. I feel as though it’d be easier, if I only had my Men at Work compilation to listen to while I worked. It seems irony is a cruel mistress. A cruel, Aussie-blocking, vegemite-hating, eighties-music-no-listening haughty bitch of a mistress, indeed. Bah.

Permalink  |  4 Comments

4 Responses to “Thanks for Nothing, Thanksgiving!”

  1. my computer was made by ford motor company.

  2. RRaccoon says:

    Good, good, good, then “haughty.” I nearly peed with glee. I shall try to work that into three sentences this week.

    Oh, and welcome back. You were miseed. Probably.

  3. JEP says:

    What a coincidence, my computer’s moving at the speed of smell too after and according to my protection software, has more viruses than a Filipina bar girl.

  4. #Debi says:

    Think Apple, Charlie! You know you want it…

    Sorry for your drama, though. Major denouement to the lovely trip to the city…

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