Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Maybe I Should Have Taken French in School, After All

Okay, it’s time for a little disclosure here. I’m going to be taking a leetle itty bitty short hiatus around here. Now, given that I’ve recently backed off of my ‘post a day, every day’ policy, none of you would frankly notice this little outage. I’m only going to be gone from tomorrow morning around 11am until sometime Sunday evening, maybe six or seven pm. So honestly, I’m not really sure it’s worth mentioning.

But I’m going to mention it, anyway. I’m a stubborn little monkey that way. Woo-hah.

For you see, this is no usual, run-of-the-mill hiatus. No, sir. No, this is different. Special. Frightening. Because this pause in service is being caused by a trip — a road trip, specifically. A road trip to participate in my friend Tim’s bachelor party. All night. Strip clubs. Tomorrow. In Montreal. Canada.

Do you see this look, folks? That’s fear. Pure, unadulterated fear. And a little bit of horny. But mostly fear. Like, ninety percent fear, and just an eensy bit of horny. More or less.

(And maybe some gas. I had nachos earlier during the Red Sox game. But that’s probably not important right now. I’m thinking I should probably just not mention these extraneous details in future. Let’s get back to the point again, eh?)

So, here’s the thing — it’s not that we’re going to set out on a ‘tour de boobs‘ that scares me. It’s just that we’re careening off to a whole other fricking country to do it that makes me want to pee my pants a little. I mean, heading out on a quest for tasteful nudity, solely — and I stress solely, so far as you know — to help a compatriot celebrate his entry into the hallowed institution of marriage? I’m there. I am so there, creased dollar bills in hand and ready to help out.

But I’ve got to be honest here — I have never, in all my years of ogling scantily (or less) clad women, felt the need to travel to a different nation to do it. There are plenty of opportunities for that sort of lewd behavior right here at home. And if not here, then in the town next door, or a short drive north, or… well, crap, right at home on the internet. That’s what it’s there for, after all, isn’t it?

So trekking all the way to Montreal for the ‘*boom-shicka-wakka*‘s has me more than a little bit nervous. I expect to need some dollars for this sort of thing; I’m comfortable needing my wallet, and maybe even a drink or two. But when it requires my frigging passport?! Ay, chihuahua!

See, I’m just concerned that this is going to go somehow horribly wrong, and we’re all going to end up in some sort of French-speaking prison with a bunch of lumberjacks named Claude. Or worse. It’s the apprehension that’s worse than anything — it’s like being in some bad thriller movie, knowing that something terrible is sure to happen along the way. I feel like I’m in ‘I Know What You’re About to Do This Summer‘, or ‘Deliverance North‘, or something. I have this nagging feeling that not all of us are going to make it back. Creepy.

But, I signed up for the trip, so I’m going, dammit. Me and my creased-down-the-middle singles are heading north, and we’ll see how it all turns out. I frankly never thought I’d ever be driving seven hours out of my way to make a titty bar cootchie call, but there it is. Sometimes, life throws you a curveball when you’re looking for a fastball. And sometimes, it’s a G-string and a pair of pasties when you’re expecting a day on the couch watching football. I like to think I can adapt. I’m cool and shit like that.

So, you kids have a good weekend, eh? I’ll be back — and likely with plenty of stories — on Sunday night, and hopefully up to posting. I’d appreciate it if you’d wish me luck… or maybe send along the number of a good bail bondsman. Cue the humpty-hump music — I’m outta here.

Permalink  |  3 Comments

3 Responses to “Maybe I Should Have Taken French in School, After All”

  1. Angel says:

    No worries – I’ve heard that Claude is quite loving and gentle, eh.


  2. So when you get to the border and the stuffy borderguards ask why you’re visiting Canada, are you going to say ‘TITTIES!’

    Because they don’t take kindly to anything humor-related AT ALL. They practically didn’t let us go through after we cracked a joke about bodies in the trunk or something like that.

    So tell ’em you’re going to buy cheap prescriptive drugs or something. Seriously.

  3. Carrie says:


    A canuck here. The comment above about the customs guards is correct. No humour ever. They’ll rip your car apart just for fun and keep you there shitting your pants for as long as they want.

    I’m hoping you made it home alright since you still haven’t posted again. Then again, I’m not really that worried. Canadians, specifically Montreal canucks, know that drinking and parties are a way of life. And in Montreal? It’s like Vegas baby. Pretty hard to get arrested for anything there. Anything goes :-)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved