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Internet Gift Us, Ev’ry One!

(‘Tis the season again — the season for Secondhand SCIENCE. Although that’s every season. Work with me here.

Also! You can still vote for our Magicland webseries in The Online Film Festival. Huzzah!)

I think I finally have this internet Christmas shopping thing down. It’s only taken several decades — though in my defense, the internet wasn’t actually a thing for some of that time. And let’s face it, before Amazon Prime, what was even the point? Honestly.

Still, I’ve had my share of online-shopping failures. I’ve ordered the wrong thing, because I didn’t look closely enough. I’ve had other peoples’ presents delivered to my house, just in time for Christmas (but while I was away). And I once bought my wife a set of “sexy” panties online… that were four sizes larger than she wears.

That was not my best year. Though I have to admit, the control-top waistbands are mighty comfortable.

“Don’t buy anything you’d have to see in person first. Like underpants. Or jewelry. Adopted children, that sort of thing.”

The point is, I’ve learned some online Christmas shopping lessons over the years. Sweat the details. Don’t buy anything you’d have to see in person first. Like underpants. Or jewelry. Adopted children, that sort of thing. And when you can, always take the gift-wrapping option. Particularly if you’re as terrible at it as I am.

That leaves an entire almost-world of potential presents to make someone’s holiday merrier. And with fast-track shipping, there’s no pressure to start early. I remember the “bad old days” — like, before this year, when I hadn’t yet perfected my system. The Christmas system. The Chrystem. Back then, every trip I took, I’d bring back souvenirs for gifts. I’d buy presents months ahead of time — often when a loved one mentioned something they wanted, before I forgot. I picked things out in person, on trips dedicated to holiday shopping.

Sucker. I probably had a pterodactyl record player, too.

Well, no more. Now it’s all-online, never-panties, last-minute Christmas for me. Two-day shipping. Millions of items. Pictures of stuff, which is probably more or less good enough, right? It’s not like it’s an important holiday, like a birthday or St. Pat’s or International Hug A Poodle Day.

Anyway, what I’m saying is, I’ve finally got Christmas figured out. And if you’re likely to get a present from me, expect a box — containing another box, professionally gift-wrapped — to arrive in the mail, on or about Christmas Eve. Or certainly no later than the 26th. Unless it’s on back order.

Whatever it is I buy you, that is. I’ll figure that out next week sometime. It’s definitely not online Christmas shopping time yet.

Don’t worry. I’ve got it all figured out. Merry Chrystem-mas!