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You Better Laugh, Bee-yatch, Or I’ll Sit On Yo’ Head!

If you read it more than twice, you’re just playing with it.

Man, I needed that. It’s been a long time since a stand-up comedian has reduced me to snorty giggles. Too long.

And, no, kiddies, I’m not talking about last night’s Last Comic Standing finale. Not by half.

(Oh, what the hell, though, as long as I’m already here. Here’s my two cents on the whole affair:

For one thing, two hours to whittle five morons down to one is not necessary. Shuffle the loser bitches out the door and get it over with, already!

For another, ‘Slick’ Jay Mohr is neither as funny, nor as cool, as he seems to think he is. Especially as cool as he seems to think he is in this picture. Dude, that’s a giraffe on your arm. You ain’t no hog rider. Get over it.

Oh, and back to the un-funny bit — that monologue joke about Braille on the drivethrough ATMs? Jay, please. How old is that joke? I think I heard Bill Cosby doing that material when I was, oh, I don’t know, in the frickin’ womb. Find some original material, Slick.

As for the contestants, I’m not gonna go through ’em all, and bitch and pick about every little thing. They did a fine job of that themselves, in the process of making the show nearly unwatchable. ‘Ooh! A show about standups! I thought three months ago. ‘They’ll be doing their acts and being funny, and it’ll be a laugh riot!‘

(Yes, I actually thought the words ‘laugh riot’. So sue me, okay, asswipe?)

Anyway, when it devolved into a series of pissing contests, I lost interest. I tried to catch the final — read: funny — ten minutes of each show, but often forgot, or got distracted by shiny objects, and missed several of the shows altogether. In short, I was highly disappointed that it was more ‘reality show’ than ‘funny people making me laugh’. There’s way too much of the former, and not nearly enough of the latter, on television as it is.

So, I’ll only say these two things. First, it wouldn’t surprise me if the cowboy dude shaved his head for the reunion show and said that he’d had a relapse just to mindfuck the other people on stage. He was the first one booted, not well-liked at all, and wouldn’t play any of their reindeer games at the house. He seemed to still be stinging over it a bit, and I wouldn’t be shocked if he was getting in one last vicious jab. Or maybe he really is taking chemo. If so, then best of luck to you, dude. What the fuck do I know?

Secondly, I was a bit surprised that Dat Phan won the thing, ‘largely’ (heh, you’ll get it in just a second) beause of who he was up against.

(See, wasn’t that funny? Largely. Whee.)

Namely, Ralphie ‘Two Tons o’ Fun’ May. I think the general feeling is that Dat got the ‘sympathy vote’, since Ralphie and the other goons were apparently pretty much dicks to him from day one. And, to his credit, DP played the ‘why is everybody always picking on me?‘ and ‘look at me, I’m a funny foreigner!‘ cards pretty much to perfection.

But I think the contest was Marshmallow May’s to lose, and he did so with a gross miscalculation. See, fat people are funny. They just are. Scientific studies have proven it. John Candy’s career verifies it, and the success of those lame-ass Nutty Professor movies seals the deal. So Ralphie had an immediate advantage — as soon as he went waddling up toward the stage, the audience would giggle. Who needs an opening act to soften up the crowd when you’re your own walking whoopee cushion?

But Rotund Ralph took the wrong angle. He went from funny fat white boy from ‘da hood’ to heart-attack-waiting-to-happen angry obese dude ranting about war and oil and the price of gas. I think he was fishing for the ‘pissed-off proud flag-wavers’ vote, but he got it all wrong. What our poor bumpkin Butterball failed to realize is this important distinction:

Fast-talkin’ fattie in gangsta clothes telling jokes about food == funny

Foamin’-at-the-mouth big fella working himself into an angry lather == downright scary

People want to laugh at these events, but they won’t think it’s very funny if there’s a big cheeseburger-totin’ behemoth who’s gonna sit on them and squash them into next week. That’s why Belushi and Farley and their ilk were smart enough to do movies, or at least SNL, where the audience is safely tucked away up in the rafters. Angry fat guys don’t typically do standup. It scares the children, not to mention everyone in the first three rows near the stage. You want a fat guy who does standup? I give you Louie Anderson. (Take him, please!) He’s not funny, but he’s not threatening, either. He sticks to his whines and his lame jokes about McDonalds, and so he’s tolerated on stage.

So, really, when you think about it, Big Ralphie made the right choice. He frightened some folks, and sneered just enough throughout the show to hand the grand prize to Dat Phan. Fine. Second place is no picnic, but it beats the screaming hell out of being known as the next ‘Louie Anderson’. By a mile.)

All right, what was I talking about? Oh, right, an actual funny comedian on television. Right.

So, I’m talking about Lewis Black. And honestly, I don’t know why I think he’s so funny. I mean, he’s funny, but I don’t usually laugh out loud at the television, unless I’m watching that dumbass Christian Science channel.

(‘No, no, carbon dating is wrong, and evil, and the Earth is not billions of years old. It’s only six thousand years old, and this here divining rod proves it. Let’s watch…‘

Fucking deluded dickwipes. ‘Christian Science’ is an oxymoron to begin with, people. You have faith, or you don’t. You objectively analyze the world around you, or you don’t. Is it so fucking difficult to realize that the two are mutually exclusive?)

Anyway, if you described Lewis Black to me, I’d say that he’s a bit too political for my tastes, and a tad old for me to relate to very well, and that all the hand-waving and jerking around he does is probably a gimmick he uses because his material’s not that good. So, I won’t try describing him to you. Apparently, something gets lost in the translation. Meanwhile, I’ve seen two of his Comedy Central shows, and have found myself rolling on the floor holding my sides both times. I don’t know why, exactly, but I have. I can’t explain it.

So, now I’m checking out his tour dates, and I see that he’ll be in Boston in October with Dave Attell. I’m not an enormous fan of that Insomniac show, other than the fact that it seems to encourage women to show off their boobs, but Dave seems like he might be okay on stage. He’s got a certain streety, warped fucked-upness that might translate well to standup, so I think I’ll give it a try. And Black can only be funnier in person. Comics always are. (Hey, even I’m funny in person. Occasionally.) So that’ll be fun. I just hope Attell doesn’t get all snarly and decide to jump off the stage. He’s kind of a big fat guy, you know, and there’s no place for squashing in comedy.

Just ask Ralphie May.