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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Who’s Hungry for Television?

I’m not sure how it happened, exactly, but I’ve become addicted to… Food Network.

(Yeah, you didn’t see that coming, did you? Not if you’ve read much of my stuff, anyway. Addicted to speed, you might’ve bought. Hooked on the wacky weed, maybe. Hell, if you’ve read enough, you’d probably believe I’m hooked on shooting Windex into my eyelids. But no; it’s not that. I’m not addicted to that stuff. Like, the Windex thing? I can stop any time I want to. Honestly.)

Anyway, I don’t know what it is. I’m certainly no gourmand, by any stretch. I eat when it’s time to eat, and in between I don’t think much about food. I’m not a chocoholic, nor a cheesehead, and I don’t really appreciate ‘vertical’ food.

(Really, that last one? Come on. Build it upward, so no one will notice that there’s really not much on the plate? A couple of little breadsticks jutting out of my food do not an enjoyable meal make. Maybe that’s just me.)

But somehow, some way, the shows on Food Network are… mesmerizing. And I don’t really understand why. I don’t write down recipes, or anything like that. And even if I did, they wouldn’t do me any damned good. I can cook like a hippo can fly. No good can possibly come from me in the kitchen with a ‘Kiss the Chef’ apron. Salmonella, perhaps, but no good. Unless you happen to be salmonella, I guess. But I tend not to think of things that way.

Still, I can’t stop watching these shows about food. The history of food, food travel shows, food competitions, you name it. I’ll watch ’em all.

(Except, oddly enough — not Emeril. Arguably the face of the network, the most famous chef around the airwaves these days, he of the emphatic ‘bam!‘ — not so interested. Maybe it’s because I don’t cook, so I can’t really learn from his tips. Or maybe because it’s a studio gig, and reminds me too much of a talk show. Or maybe because it’s just a cooking show, and the host isn’t some hot little chickie licking hot fudge off a spoon. Whatever it is, Emeril’s the one guy that I typically don’t watch on the network.

Which is unfortunate for me, of course, since he’s on the damned thing roughly nine hours a day. Still, that leaves plenty of time for me to tune in. And maybe one day, the guy will grow on me. But not today.)

Anyway, there you go. I’m no foodie, but apparently I’m a Food Network-ie. Or something. All I know is that it’s Sunday night, and I’m TiVoing the Simpsons, while I actually watch some barbeque competition that probably happened three years ago, for all I know. And I’m riveted. Rachel Ray’s not even involved in this one. I’m pretty sure this qualifies as some sort of mental illness, people. With a side order of goofball.

Eh, screw it. It is what it is; why try to change myself, when this is easily one of my more harmless obsessions? I’ve got plenty of other issues I should work out, before I deal with this one. I’m wrapping this thing up, to go see which group of ‘grillbillies’ takes the prize. Call me crazy, but I’m hooked. Why fight it? It’s not like I’m watching LifeTime, for chrissakes.

Permalink  |  4 Comments

4 Responses to “Who’s Hungry for Television?”

  1. MemosToSelf says:

    Very interesting…I myself was once hooked on the Fine Living Channel…considering I decorate my humble abode with old newspapers and cereal boxes…needless to say…That moment in time definitely made it into my Awkward Hall of Fame.

    Later, I had a kitchen addition put on the backside of my dwelling…considering I only cook Tombstone pizzas and Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches…it was truly a waste of time and money.

  2. mrsmogul says:

    I LOVE the FOOD network. SInce I don;t get it where I am now, I read it online!!

    PS first time here and amazingly I wrote about the SIMPSONS TODAY!!!

  3. kenna says:

    I too am hooked on Food Network and also do not lke Emeril- I get distracted trying to watch him, end up cleaning the toilet or such. I only get to watch 2 days a week since I don’t have cable and will travel 83 miles to see Unwrapped.

  4. #Debi says:

    You must not be up on your medical journals. Don’t you know that Food Network has been officially classed as a gateway drug to Lifetime?! Get out while you can! :^P

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