Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

R-O-C-K-B-O-T-T-O-M on a Triple Word Score

I’ve reached a new low.

You can’t imagine how difficult that is for me. At this point in life, my lowest lows have been pretty darned low. I’ve got earthworms looking at my lows and saying, ‘What is that, way down there?‘ I thought reaching a new low at this stage would require three donkeys, a tub of Crisco, and at least a class ‘C’ felony.

I was wrong.

All it took was a few silicon chips, a comfortable couch, and a few moments of boredom. And a Scrabble CD-ROM.

That’s right. I’m playing Scrabble now. On my laptop. All by myself. On several recent nights, I’ve found myself sitting on the couch, with the entire world available to me. I could watch TV. I could write. I could venture forth among the masses and make my fortune. Or I could pour a stiff margarita and drink myself stupid. All of these avenues and more are open to me, but what do I think to myself instead?

Gee. Might be fun to play Scrabble. With no one in particular.

Dorkalicious, thy name is Charlie. Somebody choke me with a letter ‘Z’ tile, please.

“Sadly, I only know twelve words — and six of those are euphemisms for breasts. If I don’t have two ‘O’s on my rack, I’m pretty much out of luck.”

The thing is, all nerdiness aside, it’s not even fun to play Scrabble against a computer. It’s challenging, sure, and it makes you think, but it’s hardly fair. It’s like playing basketball against the tall mean kid who used to hold the ball over your head and make you jump for it on the playground. Even if you win, you know it’s not for real. It’s just the bully throwing you the occasional bone to keep you coming back for more abuse. That’s not ‘fun’. That’s evil.

The software is really devious in that department, too. It’s not at all like playing a human. With a person, you can be fairly sure that if the first five words your opponent plays are ‘CAT’, ‘TREE’, ‘LID’, ‘FOOT’, and ‘UP’, the sixth is not likely to be something like ‘QINDARKA’ or ‘URAEMIA’. Oh, I’m a emia, am I? Well screw you, Mr. Smartypants word expert. Screw you and the qindarka you rode in on. Ass.

Of course, the other problem is that against a computer, there’s no way to cheat. Not that I want to cheat, mind you. If I could compete without cheating at a level above your average crack-addled tree squirrel, then that’s just what I’d do. Sadly, I only know twelve words — and six of those are euphemisms for breasts. If I don’t have two ‘O’s on my rack, I’m pretty much out of luck.

(Heh. I said ‘rack‘. That makes seven.)

If you’re playing a flesh and blood opponent, a shameful and crippling lack of vocabulamary can be overcome. You can plop down a bunch of gibberish tiles, lean in to calculate your score, and simply play it cool when your bluff is called. That’s what I do.

Opponent: Um… what’s a ‘FLYXMUK’, exactly?

Me: Flyxmuk? Oh, you’ve never heard of flyxmuk. Well, that’s the noise that’s made when a wildebeest sneezes.

Opponent: A wildebeest. Really.

Me: That’s right. It’s from Swahili, originally. Flyxmuk.

Opponent: I see. Swahili.

Me: It’s a technical term. Medical, really. I hear these sorts of things. You know, in my line of work.

Opponent: You see a lot of wildebeest sneezes around the office, do you?

Me: Well, you know… tangentially. One of our interns is part Swahili, I think.

Opponent: An intern.

Me: Well, her grandmother’s from Morocco, anyway. Or Moldavia. Memphis? One of those places.

Opponent: Right. I’m looking it up. There’s no way in hell that’s a word.

Me: Sorry, you can’t.

Opponent: I can’t?

Me: No. I… um, lost your dictionary. In the garbage disposal, earlier. Tragic accident, really. You’ll just have to trust me. Come on — would I lie about Scrabble?

Opponent: Harrumph..

Me: Ooh, and on a triple word score, too. God bless those hayfevered overgrown goats!

That’s how you win at Scrabble. Shred the dictionary and lie through your ignorant teeth. That’s how I win, anyway. Your mad lexicographical skillz may vary.

But it all goes out the window when you’re up against a computer. You can’t talk your way out of a ‘Does Not Compute!‘ error. A lump of cold, heartless steel and circuitry can’t be convinced or cajoled or fooled by hastily concocted ‘definitions’ scribbled in crayon on the back cover of Webster’s.

(“It’s an addendum! That’s how they addend it!

Yeah. That one doesn’t even work on people.

I may need to find dumber friends.)

Anyway, the point is that I’m officially a geek, and now I’ve truly hit rock solid bottom in my geekiness. Not only am I playing Scrabble — in my free time, mind you, not as some ‘community service’ mandated by the state — but I’m playing alone. And not cheating, which means I’m also losing. Alone.

For the love of a respectable social life, what shame could possibly be next? Dance Dance Revolution by myself in the basement? Jenga for one? Solitaire Clue?

Well, that last one I could win. The dork did it. On the computer. With the FLYXMUK. Gesundheit.

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved