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One Flip Through the Dial

I’ve got TiVo. If you don’t have TiVo, I don’t know why you don’t have TiVo. It makes watching TV bearable. It saves time, makes money for you, and runs on solar power. It’s the greatest invention since beer-battering. Or erotic finger puppets. Or rocks. I want life to be like TiVo, so I can rewind parts I’ve missed, skip the parts I hate, and freeze frame the parts with naked boobies. TiVo is good, TiVo is great. TiVo is the lizard king; TiVo can do anything.

However, I sometimes feel that I should experience life the way the ‘other half’ lives. It build character, or some shit like that. And there’s nothing particularly on tonight — usually, I’d watch the otherwise meaningless Monday night football game, but my fantasy football team has already gone down harder than Jeff Garcia at a Chippendales whirlybird contest. So, my night is free.

So, I decided to surf. One trip, all the way through the dial — from the boring PBS crap at the bottom to all those music stations I’m never going to listen to at the top. I got distracted, and circled back for some good bits, I did not resort to the saved shows. I spent the evening slumming, folks, and you’re along for the ride. Here are a few of the highlights:

8:52pm / CBS: Wow. Allyson Hannigan on that How I Met Your Mother show. In a parrot costume. With face paint. Man, I am not gonna sleep tonight.

9:12pm / Comedy Central: Hrm. Drew Carey has some new improv show, with animation this time. After three minutes, the funniest thing I’ve seen is his haircut. Drew looks less like a comic, and more like a bookish lesbian with a regular table at the local Sizzler. Yow.

9:21pm / FOX: Prison Break, eh? So it’s Oz mixed with 24, without the graphic violence or salty language. Or the hot blonde daughter chick. Well, that’s three strikes right there. Next.

9:33pm / PAX: Diagnosis: Murder. On PAX? No. Get out. Oh, and bonus — this episode features Regis and Kathy Lee in guest roles. This is the sort of shit they show terrorists to make them talk, you know that, right?

9:35pm / PAX: Commercial came on while I was typing. Will someone teach Wilford fricking Brimley how to say ‘diabetes’, for crissakes? Thanks, you’re the best.

9:47pm / ESPN Classic: Who’s Number One?, debating which was the best World Series. Pffft. I’m in Boston. Everyone under the age of eighty-seven within a thirty-mile radius of my television has the same opinion. I need to watch this crap for an hour? I don’t think so.

9:56pm / Food Network: Apparently, I just missed Unwrapped going ‘behind the counter at some of the most popular food chains’. I think I’ve seen plenty enough dead roaches and rat poop in my life, without touring the back room in the local McDonalds. Moving on.

10:02pm / FX: The Animal is on. You know, when our broadcasts finally reach whatever aliens are out there, they’re eventually going to intercept a Rob Schneider movie. Maybe even this one. And then — they’ll fly here and kill us all. And we’ll deserve it.

10:05pm / Lifetime: Look, everybody, it’s a miniseries called Human Trafficking. Wait, Lifetime with a movie about exploited women? Who’d have ever believed it?

10:11pm / Nickelodeon: Heh. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is on Nick at Nite. You think Will Smith ever wishes the warehouse holding the rerun tapes would just implode? Try watching the first half of Ali, then switch over to Fresh Prince for a while. That’ll leave a mark.

10:19pm / ABC Family: Hey, a Whose Line Is It, Anyway? rerun is on. And come to think of it, Drew Carey always looked a little like a husky lesbian. It’s not his barber’s fault; I just never noticed before.

Eh, that’s enough. I made it through the cycle; now I’m gonna cleanse my watching palate with a couple of Simpsons. And maybe a Family Guy. Man, how do people live without TiVo, anyway?