Now, That's a 'Web Gem', Linda! - Where the Hell Was I?

September 1, 2004

Now, That’s a ‘Web Gem’, Linda!

Having TiVo is weird sometimes.

I was watching TV this morning, while reading email on the couch. It’s kind of a routine for me — basically, I’m practicing for my next unemployed stint. I figure that’s where I’ll spend ninety percent of my time, so I’d better get used to it now. I’m even working on building up my collection of burrito-stained wifebeaters to wear. It’s gonna rawk. Really.

Anyway, that’s not the point. Here’s the point — I was watching TV earlier. Then, I went upstairs to take a shower. When I went up, I left the TV on ESPN. SportsCenter was on, and would be for the next four hours.

(If you’re not familiar with the phenomenon, SportsCenter comes on at, like, six or seven in the morning, some ridiculous shit like that. It’s an hour-long show, but there really aren’t any sporting tidbits to speak of that happen before one or two in the afternoon, so they just loop the show over and over, all the way through lunch.

For us sports fans, it’s an oddly comforting — if repetitive — way to start the day. Plus, you can tell time by how many times you’ve seen the same highlight. It’s cool.)

So, when I left to wash up, it was Linda Cohn and Stuart Scott trading highlights and witticisms. Business as usual.

Well, you can imagine my surprise when I came walking down the stairs after my shower, and heard a guy barking:

‘That’s it! Lift that leg, right over your head! And two! And three! Sweat it out! Feel that buuuuuuurn!‘

Um… Stu? Is that you, dog?

It took me a while to figure out that the TiVo had pulled a little switcheroo while I was lathering up, and flipped over to some aerobics show that my wife wants taped.

(Well, she programmed the things in there, anyway. Of course, I don’t mind having them taped. Nothing like a little soft-core porn on the ‘Now Showing’ list, eh, gents?)

Anyway, it took me a few seconds to figure out what had happened. And it’s going to take a while — longer than a few minutes, apparently — to get the image of Linda Cohn in her sportscasting suit, gyrating and flailing on the floor of the SportsCenter set. I don’t even know whether I’m turned on or disturbed — I just can’t shake the picture.

Hey, at least now they know something to try during the fall sweeps, eh? Feel the burn! Booyah!