Coming Soon to a Theatah Neah You

May 14, 2005

<Cue voiceover trailer for new movie in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…>

‘Last fall, you lived the drama. The hits, the pitches, the constant spitting and ass-patting and crotch-scratching — you watched it all, riveted to your television screens as the Boston Red Sox won their first World Series in decades.

Later, you watched the season documentaries, and bought the ridiculous Sports Illustrated swag, and rented Ken Burns’ baseball documentary. You didn’t watch it, of course, but you rented it, to look cool for your friends. Maybe you even went to see Fever Pitch. Unless, of course, your friends warned you first. Honestly, Drew Barrymore doesn’t show off the goods in this one, so why bother? Really, we looked into it.

Anyway — now it’s time for the insatiable Hollywood beast to cash in again on the wave of Sox Fever sweeping the nation. No, one movie wasn’t enough, dammit — why would you ask that? We made four Chucky movies; we have no conscience. Don’t be silly.

So, it’s time for ‘Fenway Fantasy‘ — a movie to show you what really happened during that thrilling ride to the championship last October. We’ve got the inside scoop — as told to us by a guy who knows a guy whose barber knows the daughter of the clubhouse attendant at Fenway Park — and we’ve assembled a cast of all-stars to tell the story to you.

Relive the magic of the stretch drive, with Chris Rock as Pedro Martinez, Barry Bostwick playing the role of manager Terry Francona, and a scruffed-up Kevin James as ‘Cowboy Up’ sparkplug Kevin Millar.

Then, ride the emotional roller-coaster as the Sox fall behind the dreaded New York Yankees in the playoffs — featuring Jimmy Smits as Derek Jeter, Al Pacino as Joe Torre, and very special cameos by James Gandolfini as the ghost of Babe Ruth and Robin Williams as the hilarious and inspiring voice of Curt Schilling’s ankle sutures. We even scored Wesley Snipes to play David Roberts for the high-tension critical ‘stolen base’ scene, and changed the player’s name to ‘Willie Mays Roberts’. Because we’re Hollywood — we can do that. Ask anyone.

And finally, share again in the joy of the Red Sox’ World Series victory and celebration. We’ve got a beefed-up Steve Buscemi as Johnny Damon, Ving Rhames as David Ortiz, and Fred Savage as prodigal GM Theo Epstein. There’s even a touching scene where Manny Ramirez — played by Ice-T — promises a troubled teen (Macauley Culkin) that the Sox will finally take home the big one.

And, since the Cardinals series was a total letdown and we cast a bunch of extras for the whole team, we wrote in Renee Zellweger in as a spunky but nearsighted female umpire with a heart of gold. Maybe we’ve got her blowing a call at just the right time for the good guys. Or maybe she sneaks in and rubs ‘magic lotion’ on Schilling’s ankle before the big game — the secret ingredient is love. Or how about if she cornrows up her hair and has a three-way with Bronson Arroyo and Pokey Reese — you never know!

Because that’s the kind of bizarre, irrelevent shit we do in Hollywood, when it comes to sports stories. Remember all that nonsense in Major League with Rene Russo that you fast-forward past, once you realize she’s not getting naked and it has nothing to do with baseball? Yeah, we’ve got that, to bring in the chicks. It’s what we do. So sue us.

But before you do, come see ‘Fenway Fantasy‘ — a magical, mystical, nearly completely made-up tale of what really might have happened during the Red Sox championship season. Or maybe it didn’t. We heard it sixth-hand, and butchered it from there, but what do you care? You’re a rabid Sox fan, who’ll compulsively have to watch it. Or you’re a chick, and will show up for the love story angle. Or you’re a dude, and not from Boston, but you might get to see Renee Zellweger’s boobs, as far as you know. That’s worth a nine-dollar ticket and a bucket of popcorn, right? We think so. Cowboy up, movie fans!’

<End trailer. Begin angry lawsuit drafting by the Red Sox, Major League Baseball, and the Renee Zellweger Fan Club in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…>