Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Bailiff, What Were Those Charges Again?

I watch a lot of Law and Order. It’s where I pick up any cop lingo and legal-speak that I know.

(That’s right. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not currently between stints in the big house. I didn’t do a ‘hard five‘ at Leavenworth, and I’m not confined to my house with one of those beepy ankle bracelets. Which probably have a far more ‘street’ name than that, but it’s never come up on Law and Order, so I don’t know what the hell it is. Maybe I should start renting Oz DVDs, too.)

Anyway, one of my favorite terms that gets used a lot on Law and Order is ‘felony murder’. I like it because it’s one of those compound crimes, but they lead with the lesser charge. Maybe it’s to lull you into a sense of security, or they want to end with a ‘big finish’. ‘Ta-daaaaa! Murder!

Personally, I think it was named that way to keep the cops on their toes. I can imagine the chief of some unit assigning police to various crimes one morning:

Chief: Okay, McCarthy, you’re taking the arson north of the city. O’Connor and Casey, the jewelry store robbery downtown. Sullivan and O’Neal, you’re looking for a perp on the South Side who committed a felony —

Sullivan: Bah. We get felons all the time around here. Nothin’ exciting today.

Chief: …a felony murder!

Sullivan: Begorrah! That’s a hot ticket! Bring that bag o’ doughnuts, O’Neal — we’re on a real mission, by God!

(Yes, all of the cops in my story are Irish. Why? Because:

A) This is Boston. We have rabbis named O’Reilly, for crissakes.

2) All I’ve ever known about policework and didn’t get from Law & Order, I learned from The Untouchables. Deal.)

I also wonder what other ‘combo crimes’ there are out there, and how big the gap between the seriousness gets. Are there ‘littering homocides’, for instance. Maybe you’re cruising down the highway and find a knife you don’t need anymore, or some spare bullets you’re not going to use anytime soon. What if you chucked those out the window and killed somebody? That might do the trick.

Or how about a ‘jaywalking sexual assault’? Would that be if you dry-humped an on-duty crossing guard? And would the charges be lessened if she’d waved you into the crosswalk first?

Hey, this is fun — how about a few more? Let’s try:

  • Aggravated extortion: Is there any other kind? Unless you’re blackmailing the Dalai Lama, that is.
  • Accessory to indecent exposure: For unzipping someone else’s pants.
  • Solicitation mayhem: ‘Judge, that bitch hooker wuz craaazy!
  • Forgery perjury: For lying on the stand, after swearing on a fake Bible.
  • Indecent exposure assault: aka, ‘assault and boobery’
  • Bribery kidnapping: ‘How much for the weemen?

Okay, that’s enough from me. I’ll take my mayhem and boobery elsewhere now. Case closed.

Permalink  |  1 Comment

One Response to “Bailiff, What Were Those Charges Again?”

  1. RRaccoon says:

    Who would even press (heh) charges against someone for ‘assault and boobery’? A prude? Damn Amish.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved