Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Ambush, Scrambush

Okay, I have a question. It may seem a little odd. By ‘normal person’ standards, anyway — if you’ve been reading my shit for any length of time, on the other hand, it probably won’t seem out of the ordinary at all. Tame, even — there’s only nudity in the middle part of the topic, and no boobs at all until the end.

When, to be fair, there are rather a lot of boobs. Which ends up being the point, actually. Look, maybe I should just start over. Forget you saw any of this — I don’t want to give away the ending.

(Like one of my posts ending in a heaving mound of breasticle talk would be a ‘surprise‘. This is not a ‘whodunit’, people. It’s not even a boob-dunit.

Heh. Boobdunit. I’ll have to remember that.)

All right, seriously, that’s enough — I’m starting over now. Just scratch everything from your memory starting from right… right… wait for it… now!

Okay, I have a question. It may seem a little odd.

(So far, so good, eh? I’m rather proud of myself this time — I didin’t go on and on about the ‘little odd’ part at all. As a matter of fact… oh. Oh, dear. I’m typing this out loud, aren’t I? You’re seeing every little bit of this aside out there, aren’t you? Well, piss.

You know, sometimes it’s as though I don’t have a brain at all. I’m convinced that there’s a little hamster or pterodactyl or something pedalling on a wheel in my chest to keep the breathing and the heartbeat thing happening. If I had to depend on my brain for anything really important, I’d have lurched over dead by now. Lousy fucking brain.

Come to think of it, an animal in my chest cavity would explain the occasional shooting pains, too. And the scary noises. I really should look into an X-ray one of these days.)

Okay, forget that whole bit, too. You were never meant to see any of that. Let’s just call it ‘Take Two’, pretend it didn’t happen, and never look each other in the eye again, shall we? Three’s a charm, then — here we go:

Okay, I have a question. It may seem a little odd. But have any of you heard of this show called ‘Ambush Makeover’? Because it’s really got me in a tizzy, frankly.

Now, I haven’t actually seen the show, myself. For one thing, it’s one one of those ‘women-only’ channels, like Lifetime, or Oxygen, or the LPGA Network. And for another, it seems to be on during the daytime, so I’ll probably never end up watching it. Now that I’m gainfully employed again, I’m not near a TV during the midday hours. And when I was out of work… well, let’s just say that I will stoop to some pretty low levels — and I have, people; somehow, I’m sure that’s not difficult to fathom — but I will not be caught watching the crapcasts that are shown during the day on television. No soap operas, no Judge Judy, no ‘very special Montel‘ shows for me. Nuh-uh. I ain’t goin’ out like that.

And besides, I’ve got an internet connection here, and an enormous hard drive. And seven hundred gigs of internet porn beats the caboose off some bullshit soap opera any day of the week. And twice on Tuesdays.

(And yes, ladies, you heard me — it’s an enormous hard drive. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Oh, it’s real. And it’s spectacular!)

Anyway, circling back to the topic before I have to start over again, something about this ‘Ambush Makeover’ show just gives me the creeps. I haven’t seen it, and yet I’m disturbed by the very concept.

(It’s a little like trying to think about your grandfather’s penis. Um, you know, for example — I just want to make sure you folks are feeling what I’m feeling, here. That’s the mark of an effective writer, no?

So remember, just think of something you haven’t actually seen, but that is creepy and disturbing to consider, nonetheless. Like your grampa’s ‘wee wrinkly winkie’. Just as a ‘for instance’. Help me help you, folks. Help me… help you.)

So, as I understand it, the concept of this ‘Ambush Makeover’ thing is this — the people running the show pick out some ugly duckling (pointed out to them by a close personal ‘friend’ of the subject, no doubt), and shower the person with wardrobes and hairdos and loofah rubs and such until he or she is deemed fabulous. It’s a bit like Queer Eye without all the strutting, or Designer’s Challenge with a frumpy person as the victim, instead of a dreary, cluttered room. Or it’s like Home Movies, only without the voiceovers, and the quirky sense of humor. And it’s not animated. And the same people don’t show up on each episode. And… um, stuff.

(Okay, look, that Home Movies analogy was way off, okay? I mainly just wanted to work it in there, since I’ve started watching it again recently, and I really dig it. But it didn’t really fit, so just ignore that part. Hey, I was right on with the other two shows — what the hell do you want from me, anyway?)

But what really lathers my nipples — and not in a good way, if that’s possible — is the premise of the whole enterprise. They’re basically grabbing someone off the street and saying:

Hey. You are one ass-ugly bit of fluff, you know that? And frankly, someone you know and trust and hold dear to your heart can’t stand to look at your hideous mug for even one more day. So we’re here to fix your sorry Elephant Man ass, whether you like it or not. Deal, bitch.

Now tell me, folks — is that really the message we want to be sending in today’s society? ‘Get pretty, or we’ll get you pretty’? Frankly, I find the whole thing disturbing. I’m sure part of it is some sort of ‘everyone is beautiful, in their own way’ moral outrage, and that I’m railing against a society that puts so much emphasis on the unattainable goal of perfect beauty. A piece of me is probably concerned more for the emotional well-being of these people, and yearns to break the loop of negative reinforcement about their bodies and their appearance that must haunt them every day.

Mostly, though, I just don’t want my sorry ass pulled into some van and dropped off at a salon for primping. That is not the sort of shit that I want to have to worry about, on top of all the other neurosis and phobias that I have. And the more shows like this that there are, the more likely that someone I know is going to decide they’re fed up with seeing my bad haircuts, my unmanicured nails, and my sloppy rugbies and jeans, and subject me to the hellish nightmare of a forcibly foisted fascist fashion-fest. (Fuckers!)

But honestly, it’s not just me I’m concerned about. Seriously, think about it — now that the trend has started, where will it end? Surprise bikini waxes? Surreptitious liposuctions? ‘Ambush Boobjobs’?

I can just picture it now — young women whisked off the streets and stuffed in a van, with their husbands or boyfriends beaming from the sidelines. Cut to the operating table, with the girl under the knife, and the guy waving bags of saline in the doctor’s face:

Dude: A ‘D’! ‘D’! I said, make her a ‘D’ cup, doc!

Doc: I canna do it! She canna take much more, sir!

(Because, you know, all plastic surgeons specializing in breast enhancement surgery talk like Scotty from Star Trek. Yeah.)

Dude: Forget the rules! Damn the torpedos! And to hell with the boobslings! Here — put this one in. And this one. And here’s another. Stuff ’em in there — woo hoo!

Doc: Ay! Take cover, men — she’s a-gunna blow! Aiiieeeee!

Okay. Maybe it won’t go quite that far. I’m just saying, people. You can never be too careful. So please, if you ever see a bunch of people trying to stuff me into a van, please, for the love of all that is shiny and smooth, help me fight my way out of it, would you? When I’m ready for a goddamned makeover, then I’ll schedule one myself; I don’t need some cock-knobbed television show to do my dirty work for me. Let’s fight the power, folks!

Permalink  |  6 Comments

6 Responses to “Ambush, Scrambush”

  1. Jeff A says:

    What really strikes me as odd about all these shows is the media says that people in this country are suffering from low self esteem. So what do they do? They create shows that pretty much tell them, yeah you are butt ugly, even your family and friends think so.

    If that show what not to wear ever came a knockin I would say yes lets go to New York!!! I would even put up with that little pansy telling me I dress bad cause as soon as they turn their backs I am taking that $5000 credit line and going drinking in New York, party for all my friends WOOT.

  2. Monkey says:

    Law and Order: World’s wackiest emergency personality ambush makeover. Damn American television back to hell where it came from!

    Except Home Movies. I love that show.

  3. wlfldy says:

    So, I take it you wouldn’t appreciate the Makeover Boob job either?

  4. Brenda says:

    I’ll fight for ya.

  5. GrumpyBunny says:

    “…all that is smooth and shiny…” – LOL!

    I do prefer Trinny and Suze from BBC America’s What Not to Wear. The US version is really lacking in oomph.

  6. btezra says:

    ~hmmm, I would open the door if it were the Queer Eye guys, I could use new furniture in the livingroom, a new wardrobe and a whole buch of free shit…no need for a new hairdoo, I ain’t got much on top these days, but they could buy me a few new hats~

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved