Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

‘Design on a Dime’, My Ass

You know, I always knew my life would turn into a glamorous TV show. I just never thought it’d be some shit from the Home and Garden network.

See, the wife and I are having some work done on the old plumbing.

(No, that’s not an uncomfortably personal euphemism. We’re really having work done. On our plumbing. In our house. Our old house. See? Old plumbing. It ain’t kinky. Keep yer pants on, dammit.)

Anyway, just like one of those real-life home improvement shows, we signed up to have some work done on the bathroom. New toilet, new sink… we’re even having some pipe laid downstairs.

(Look, I told you — it’s not a euphemism. It’s actual pipe. Really being laid.

Not, uh, in the euphemistic way, though.

Oh, don’t give me that look. Perv.)

So. We find a contractor, and he’s got himself a plumber, and some carpenters, and some electrical dude or other, and a plasterer, and… oh, it’s like the frigging SuperFriends. One of ’em talks to the animals, and another one can shoot fire out the six inches of asscrack hanging out of his pants. But my very favorite is the one who apparently has the power to turn invisible when I want to know when the whole stinking lot of ’em is gonna be the hell back out of my house. Our ‘two-week’ job is now entering week six, and there’s a whole laundry list of shit left to do — staining, painting, fixtures to be installed… I think I might even have a drippy faucet.

(Look, for the last time, it’s really the faucet. Not the ‘faucet’.

At least, I hope to hell that’s what I mean — my wife said she’s gonna have one of the contractors take a wrench to the thing. Eep.)

Plus, just like in every damned one of those home design shows on TV, we’re over budget. All we’re missing is a smarmy host, with fake hair and bleached teeth, to wander through our bathroom with a camera crew, pointing at joists and chuckling over the sconces. Assuming we have sconces. I don’t even know what the hell ‘sconces’ are. I tried to ask one of the contractor guys, but he said it’d cost me fifty bucks. Bastards.

As far as I can tell, though, things are starting to wind down. It looks like the heavy lifting has been done — that would be whoever picked up the cash hoisting it into his wallet, of course. But I think they’ve put the saws and tools away, and are down to the ‘soft’ stuff. The easy stuff. Yea — dare I say it? — the quick stuff. We might just have the house back to ourselves by autumn, after all. Call it our ‘fall sweeps’. *sigh*

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “‘Design on a Dime’, My Ass

  1. GrumpyBunny says:

    I feel for ya. Every project we’ve done in the last 8 months took longer than they said, didn’t come out EXACTLY like we wanted, stuff was done wrong or ordered wrong.

    It makes you wonder how a show like travis’ facelift can re-do a whole basement in 4 days. Though they don’t ever tell you HOW much it cost to do it…

  2. Zoot says:

    You should watch ‘MoneyPit’ charlie, if you haven’t already seen it. Your post sounds like it was taken from the movie :-P

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved