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‘Design on a Dime’, My Ass

You know, I always knew my life would turn into a glamorous TV show. I just never thought it’d be some shit from the Home and Garden network.

See, the wife and I are having some work done on the old plumbing.

(No, that’s not an uncomfortably personal euphemism. We’re really having work done. On our plumbing. In our house. Our old house. See? Old plumbing. It ain’t kinky. Keep yer pants on, dammit.)

Anyway, just like one of those real-life home improvement shows, we signed up to have some work done on the bathroom. New toilet, new sink… we’re even having some pipe laid downstairs.

(Look, I told you — it’s not a euphemism. It’s actual pipe. Really being laid.

Not, uh, in the euphemistic way, though.

Oh, don’t give me that look. Perv.)

So. We find a contractor, and he’s got himself a plumber, and some carpenters, and some electrical dude or other, and a plasterer, and… oh, it’s like the frigging SuperFriends. One of ’em talks to the animals, and another one can shoot fire out the six inches of asscrack hanging out of his pants. But my very favorite is the one who apparently has the power to turn invisible when I want to know when the whole stinking lot of ’em is gonna be the hell back out of my house. Our ‘two-week’ job is now entering week six, and there’s a whole laundry list of shit left to do — staining, painting, fixtures to be installed… I think I might even have a drippy faucet.

(Look, for the last time, it’s really the faucet. Not the ‘faucet’.

At least, I hope to hell that’s what I mean — my wife said she’s gonna have one of the contractors take a wrench to the thing. Eep.)

Plus, just like in every damned one of those home design shows on TV, we’re over budget. All we’re missing is a smarmy host, with fake hair and bleached teeth, to wander through our bathroom with a camera crew, pointing at joists and chuckling over the sconces. Assuming we have sconces. I don’t even know what the hell ‘sconces’ are. I tried to ask one of the contractor guys, but he said it’d cost me fifty bucks. Bastards.

As far as I can tell, though, things are starting to wind down. It looks like the heavy lifting has been done — that would be whoever picked up the cash hoisting it into his wallet, of course. But I think they’ve put the saws and tools away, and are down to the ‘soft’ stuff. The easy stuff. Yea — dare I say it? — the quick stuff. We might just have the house back to ourselves by autumn, after all. Call it our ‘fall sweeps’. *sigh*