Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Gimme One of Everything, and Dump Me in a Shopping Cart

So, the wife sent me for a bottle of wine tonight. Some sort of last-minute Christmas present, or some such thing. I dunno — I don’t ask questions.

So there I go, for just a bottle of wine. Those are the instructions. Slip in, grab a nice bottle to give away, and come straight home.

Yeah. Right. I’m gonna go in there, and come out with just a bottle of wine. For someone else. Who you think you’re dealing with here? That’s crazy talk.

See, because me in a liquor store is like a kid in… well, in a liquor store, pretty much. I mean, honestly, I get all googly-eyed and slack-jawed in those places over the same stuff I drooled over at nineteen — the frosty cases of beer… row after titillating row of exotic booze… posters of the Bud girls… oh, yeah. That’s the shit, people.

Of course, I also found that there’s a corollary to the old saw that you should ‘never go to the grocery store on an empty stomach‘. And I had just finished up a long day at work, spent hours and hours in meetings, and faced a long airline flight tomorrow and a week spent with teetotalling family and wild crazy in-laws. I was thirsty, people. And not for a juice box, dammit.

So, I was in wonderland there in the booze shoppe. I skipped around the aisles, pulling out wine bottles and leapfrogging over cases of beer. I did the ‘Tequila’ dance in the hard liquor section. I played ‘Sit ‘n’ Spin’ on kegs of lager. I frenched St. Pauli girl in the walk-in freezer.

(Well, okay — a bottle of St. Pauli girl. I forgot how frigging cold it is in those freezers. My tongue barely thawed off the damned thing before I left — I almost had to buy the bottle. Sticky little bitch, that Pauli.)

Anyway, in the end, I walked out with that bottle of wine I went for. Plus a backup bottle, in case my wife vetoed the first one. And a six-pack of beer, for dinner tonight, and maybe tomorrow afternoon. Plus, a bottle of champagne — hey, it’s Christmas, goddammit. I’m just getting my holiday spirit freak on; don’t judge me, man. ‘Tis the fucking season, and all that shit.

So, it all worked out. The wine passed muster, we’ll open the bubbly soon, and I’m halfway through the six-pack already. It’s turning out to be a good night, no matter what the next week may bring. So I’ve got that going for me.

And hopefully, you’ll hear from me again before next Thursday, when I make it back here to civilization. If not, then have a happy WhateverTheHellYouCelebrate, and I’ll catch up with you soon. But not soon enough — believe me. Smell you later, folks. Don’t miss me, now.

Permalink  |  3 Comments

3 Responses to “Gimme One of Everything, and Dump Me in a Shopping Cart”

  1. Lois Lane says:

    Have a great holiday and good luck with that aunt of yours!

    Lois Lane

  2. Christiane says:

    Happy Holidays to my future ex-husband!

  3. susan says:

    have a great christmas charlie. looking forward to more giggles in 2005.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved