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Sketch Class Class Sketch

The title referring to, of course, a sketch about a class that I wrote for this week’s sketch class. Ergo, sketch class class sketch.

Got it? Good. I’m pasting this in and taking the rest of the weekend off. Bon class-etit, amigos.

REMEDIAL LIT.

[ Interior of a classroom. The students are in their seats, most with heads down or swaying sleepily. A bell rings and the teacher, Mr. Paulson, walks in, full of enthusiasm. He tosses a briefcase on the desk and stands in front, facing the students.]

PAULSON: Good morning, class! I hope everyone had a good weekend.

[ Paulson looks around the room, hoping for a response. Silence. ]

“Come on, now. We’re all in this together. Who asked us to call him Ishmael?”

PAULSON: Super, super. Okay. This is our last week discussing Moby Dick, so let’s pick up where we left off on Friday. Anyone remember what we were chewing on?

[ Silence. ]

PAULSON: Anyone? Anyone at all? Don’t be shy.

[ Silence. ]

PAULSON: Okay, super. Awesome. Well, I think we were in Chapter One. And we were discussing… any ideas? … Anybody? … Shout it out.

[ Silence. ]

PAULSON: No? That’s super. No problem. Let’s just review, then. Start with the first line. First line of Moby Dick — very famous. Any takers? … First line?

[ Silence. ]

PAULSON: All right, I’ll just throw it out there, then. Get us started right off. The first line of Moby Dick is: “Call me Ishmael.” Remember that, guys? Ishmael? From last week? In Moby Dick. Very first line.

[ Silence. ]

PAULSON: Right on. Super. So. Can anyone tell me who spoke that line? The very first one. “Call me Ishmael.” Who said it?

[ Silence. ]

PAULSON: Come on, now. We’re all in this together. Who asked us to call him Ishmael? You can get this.

[ A low moan emanates from a student near the front of the class. ]

PAULSON: What’s that, Susie? You have an answer? Super! Tell us who spoke that first line.

SUSIE: Braaainssss….

[ The rest of the class chimes in by moaning ‘Braaaaainsss’ and swaying in their chairs. It becomes clear (hopefully) that the class is entirely composed of zombies. ]

PAULSON: Okay, settle down, class. Susie, that’s super, really. You really kicked us off here. But I’m afraid “brains” isn’t quite what we’re looking for. But great try. Really super. Solid effort. Anyone else? Anyone know who wants us to call him Ishmael?

ROBERT (and others): Braaainsss….?

SUSIE: Queeeeeequeeeeeg…?

TINA: Aaaaaahaaaaaab….?

HOWARD: Rooooooosebuuuuud….

PAULSON: Okay, that’s super. Lots of energy there. And that’s great. But I think maybe we’re just _guessing_ now. Maybe if we just think of this in a different–

[ Robert, at the front of the room, has begun shuffling toward the door, dragging his chair along with him. ]

PAULSON: Uh, Robert? What’s, uh… whatcha need, buddy?

ROBERT: Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

PAULSON: Ah. Okay, no problem. Here, just take the hall pass.

[ Paulson retrieves a key with a wooden block attached from his desk. As he approaches, Robert slowly and tentatively attempts to bite toward Paulson’s head.

Paulson gingerly places the wooden block in Robert’s mouth. Robert looks confused for a second, then resumes shuffling out the door.]

PAULSON: Okay, let’s try a different tack. Moby Dick. Who can tell me what Moby Dick is? Moby Dick himself — what is he? Give it a go… Tina!

TINA: Bruuu…. Uh, braaaains?

PAULSON: Very close, Tina. That’s super. Howard?

HOWARD: [ excited ] Braaaaaainssss!

PAULSON: Ooh — again, close. Super try, Howard. Love the energy. But no. Susie!

[ Susie is gnawing on her neighbor’s forearm. At the sound of her name, she looks up momentarily, then goes back to chewing. ]

PAULSON: Super. Really, really super.

[ The class bell rings again. The zombies stand up, but don’t bother to extricate themselves from their chairs. ]

PAULSON: Okay, that’s it for today. For your homework, I want you to read Chapter One — or let’s say *page* one, for now. Yes. Read _page_ one, and the title, and study the picture on the cover to see what Moby Dick is. We’ll pick up here tomorrow. Any questions?

[ Silence. ]

PAULSON: Super! All right, have a great lunch, everyone. Super work today!

[ The zombies shuffle toward the door, dragging their chairs behind. ]

ZOMBIES: (Braaaaainssss. Braaaaains.) Slooooopy Joooooooes.

[ As the zombies exit, Paulson sits at his desk, taking a bottle of booze and shot glass from a drawer. He sets the shot glass aside and takes a long pull from the bottle as the scene ends. ]