Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

Let’s Make a Deli

Long-term fans — if that’s actually a “thing” around here these days — may remember my last foray into sketch comedy in June of 2012. That was a radio gig and live show with Deli Juices, featuring hilarious gents Kris Earle and Winston Kidd.

It was a great time. A treat. A veritable hoot.

So we’re doing it again. Dun DUN DUUUNNN!!

“Tune in, kids. The Juice is re-loosed.”

That’s right; we’re in the planning stages of Deli Juices, Episode Two (or, if you prefer, Electric Juicaloo), and to celebrate, I’d like to share some related materials.

First, Kris was kind enough to host me this evening on his critically-acclaimed radio show Time Travel on WMFO, Tufts University freeform radio.

Last summer, we debuted our final set of sketches live on Time Travel, and tonight we reminisced with a rebroadcast — minus one unfortunate bleepable moment I caused — complete with insider commentary. Like a director’s cut, or something. I’m talking real Hollywood shit, here, people. Follow the ‘Time Travel’ link above to April 3rd archive for a listen.

Meanwhile, we’ve got a new set to write. And edit. And crumple into little balls and drink a lot and stomp on, and then salvage something usable from the carnage, hopefully. To that end, I’m writing some new sketches, and here’s one of them. Maybe you’ll hear it on ‘MFO soon, or see us hamming through it at some Boston-area comedy night. Tune in, kids. The Juice is re-loosed.

Quotas

[KRIS and WINSTON sit close together; CHARLIE sits a few feet away. Kris has a clipboard.]

WINSTON: Well, everyone was very positive. We’d love to bring you on board. Kris here from our HR department just has a few questions.

CHARLIE: Sure, go ahead.

[Kris consults his clipboard through the questions, checking off boxes as he goes.]

KRIS: Okay. So you’re between the ages of 18 and 65…

CHARLIE: Right.

KRIS: U.S. Citizen?

CHARLIE: Yes.

WINSTON: Any other passports? Dual citizenships? Secret aliases?

CHARLIE: Um… no.

[Kris and Winston are a little disappointed.]

KRIS: How about prison time? Committed any felonies?

CHARLIE: No.

WINSTON: Even local jail would do. Maybe you sassed a cop? Spent a night in the drunk tank?

CHARLIE: I’ve never been to any kind of jail. And I don’t drink.

[Kris and Winston are again disappointed. At ‘I don’t drink’, Kris marks a huge X over the sheet of paper on the clipboard, Xes out the next sheet, and turns the page again.]

KRIS: …okay then. Pregnant?

CHARLIE: I beg your pardon?

KRIS: Any chance you’re pregnant? Even a little?

CHARLIE: No!

KRIS: Right, right, what with the penis and all. Penis, right?

CHARLIE: Uh… yes.

WINSTON: Just the one?

CHARLIE: Last time I checked.

WINSTON: Darn it.

[Kris and Winston are getting exasperated. The questions come rapid-fire now.]

KRIS: Any tribal tattoos? Inflatable doll fetishes? Do you cut yourself?

CHARLIE: Why would-

WINSTON: Are there Bolivians in your family? Are any parts of your body registered as lethal weapons?

CHARLIE: Wait-

KRIS: Are you psychic? Do you have scurvy? Have any of your grandparents ever had sexual relations with a bear?

CHARLIE: All right! Hold it right there! What are all these questions for?

WINSTON: Ah, it’s these hiring quotas. We’re at our limit of ‘regular Joes’ we can hire, so we’ve got to fit people into certain categories to bring them in.

KRIS: Is there anything at all that makes you special?

CHARLIE: Well… I’m left-handed.

[Kris consults another clipboard page.]

KRIS: Nah, we’re set for lefties.

CHARLIE: (demonstrating) I can roll my tongue.

WINSTON: Hrm. Can it touch your forehead?

[Charlie tries. Clearly, it’s not happening.]

WINSTON: Sorry. Anything else?

CHARLIE: Um… I can juggle.

KRIS: Knives or chainsaws?

CHARLIE: Little rubber balls.

[Kris and Winston look at each other, unsure.]

WINSTON: Let’s see it.

[Charlie pulls out three rubber balls and juggles.]

KRIS: What do you think? Can we sell him as carny folk?

WINSTON: Nah, too many teeth. How about a gypsy?

KRIS: It works. We’ll say he’s half Romanian. And a quarter grizzly.

WINSTON: Great! From now on, your name is Milosh, you live in your car and you only eat salmon. Welcome aboard!