Hey, Who the Hell Stole My Weekend?

November 23, 2003

Damn, it’s eight o’clock Sunday night already? Holy shit, I was just getting warmed up. What the hell happened, anyway?

I had such big plans for this weekend, too. Three big plans, actually. On Friday afternoon, I told myself that I’d have the following accomplished by… well, pretty much by now:

1. Decide what material to include in my comedy set on December 3rd, and practice, practice, practice.
B. Catch up on blogging (including a second entry for yesterday).
iii. Get started on that project at work that I meant to do on Thursday… or Wednesday. The Friday before last? I forget.

Now, with just a few waking weekend hours left, let’s see how I did.

1. Standup material — The plan was brilliant. Take a look at what I’ve got on Friday night, put together the best bits I can on Saturday morning, and practice in the afternoon. Perfect.

Yeah, if you’re one of those anal-retentive responsible types, who actually like to make a plan and then stick to it. Pansies.

Or if you’re one of those comics with loads of good material, and you know how long each bit lasts, and you have no trouble writing seques between them. I’m not one of those people, either. Come to think of it, I fail on pretty much every point.

(*sigh* I really wish I wouldn’t write sentences about people cooler than me. Bitches.)

Anyway, I failed more or less miserably to get anything done on Saturday. I poked and prodded, but there’s one bit that I just couldn’t wedge into the plan. I didn’t like the order of things, and it was way too long, and I wasn’t sure it would work. So, I did what any true-blue, red-blooded American man would do when the chips are down — I said, ‘Fuck it‘, and went to bed. Out of sight, out of mind, at least until morning.

And in the end, it actually helped. Which is good, because I was seriously thinking of calling in sick or dead or imcompetent or something, and just forget about doing the show. The secret — as usual — was in the shower. I swear, I should shower six times a day — I have my best ideas in there. I don’t exactly know why — maybe it’s the water, or the brazen nudity, or all the scrumptious wet nakedness… I’m not sure. Maybe the shampoo leaks into my ear and seeps into my brain. Who’s to say?

All I know is, I got in the shower this morning with no plan.

(Well, ‘no plan’ with respect to the comedy set — I had a very definite plan about what to do in the tub. Much of it even involved washing myself. Well, some of it, anyway. Not that the soap was particularly good for cleaning anything after the first couple of things I had in mind… but it’s the thought that counts, right?)

Anyway, the point is, when I stepped my naked ass in the shower, I had no ideas. But when I dragged my dripping, wrinkly butt out of there forty minutes later — hey, these brainstorming sessions take time, people — I knew what my comedy set would look like. More or less, anyway. There’s still some tweaking to be done, and some ‘tightening’ I need to take care of, but progress has been made. I’m at least in the right demesne. I even practiced a bit this afternoon. Not a lot, just ‘a bit’. Hey, there was football on. Why the hell did you think I wanted to get the important thing done on Saturday?

B. Bloggery — This is, as always, an ongoing effort. As most of you know, I do my best to prepare a little present for you each and every day; a little surprise or two to help brighten your day. Like finding an extra ten dollar bill in your wallet, or having a boring meeting cancelled. Or coming home, and finding your sweetie wearing nothing but sunglasses and a smile. And maybe some Cool Whip, or Cheez Whiz, if you’re into that kind of thing.

(Okay, look, this crap’s not nearly as good as that last thing, or even an extra ten bucks to spend on beer. Or Cheez Whiz, if you’re planning a surprise yourself. These are just examples, people — cut me some slack, all right?)

Anyway, it’s a lot easier to throw an entry or two together when I have some topics lined up. Some days, I’ll write down a subject or two, and think about them during the day (and preferably, in the shower), and the posts almost write themselves. And so, of course, with several things to get done this weekend, I came home Friday night with…

Nothing. Abso-freakin-lutely nothing. Zilch. Nada. Zero. In a way — a very sick, twisted, annoying way — breaking my key off in the goddamned door on Friday night was a blessing. Or at least a ‘help’, because it gave me something to riff on, and fill some space with.

(Hey, look, I just got three more sentences out of it. Score!)

So, it took me a bit of time on Friday, and then Saturday afternoon, and this morning, and now again on Sunday night, to get the weekend’s blogging done. But I’m hitting the home stretch. Just a couple more paragraphs, and the deed will be done. And for me, that’s a relief. For you, it’s a few thousand words of drivel to get through. So I understand if you’re not exactly ‘relieved’. Still, you’ll read it all; you know you will. You’re cool like that.

iii. Work stuff — Well, by now, you can see where my priorities lie. And since I’ve only just gotten the standup material under control, and am finishing up my blogging duties, you can probably predict how much work I’ve actually accomplished. Big fat none, that’s how much.

Eh, s’ok. It’s nothing I’ll get fired over or anything. Um, probably. I think. Maybe. Whatever.

Besides, I don’t actually have to produce anything until the Monday after Thanksgiving. So there’s really no reason to do anything for another couple of days. And I can always fool myself into thinking that I’ll work all weekend next weekend, so why worry, right?

Um, yeah… right. Yeah, I think I should probably wrap up here and get a couple of hours of work in before bedtime. Maybe if I walk in tomorrow with something, it’ll buy me some good will. And since we all know that I’m gonna stop thinking about work shit on Wednesday around three in the afternoon, I’d better get a move-on. I mean, I can’t put it off until tomorrow all the time, right? Besides the fact that it’ll eventually catch up to me, there’s always a blog entry to be written tomorrow, too. I’ve got my priorities, you know.