Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Don’t Dream It’s Ever (Going to Work Again)

Technology has foiled me once again.

Only in this case, it’s my crappy old desktop computer, which hardly even counts as ‘technology’ any more. This thing is to ‘cutting edge’ as Courtney Love is to ‘shrinking violet’. Or as John Goodman is to ‘SlimFast poster child’. Or as Ashlee Simpson is to ‘Nobel Prize contender’. I think you can see what I’m trying to say here.

Now, to be fair, parts of this machine work quite well. I’ve never had an issue with the zip drive, for instance. Of course, I’ve never actually used the zip drive, as far as I can remember, but as far as I know, it works just dandy. As does the microphone jack, which has been collecting dust for the past four years, along with the ’80s-technology built-in modem port. I’m telling you, this baby is just a couple of years too new to have reel-to-reel wall-mounted tape drives and cassette player inputs. Or so it seems, anyway.

Actually, the thing’s not that ancient — three years old, maybe four. But it seems older, because it’s so damned fragile in so many ways. The floppy drive, for instance, is toast. The little light on the front that indicates it’s reading a disk glows away merrily at all hours of the day and night, letting the world know that yes, at this very moment, it’s working to extract data from the air inside the drive. Insert a disk, and it hums in a satisfied and reassuring manner, before chirping loudly and starting this conversation:

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: But… I just did. There’s a disk in drive ‘A’ right now.

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: I don’t think you understand. It’s in there. Right now. Go see!

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: Fine. Here’s another disk. You should like this one; it’s made by the MicroSoft demons that forged your hellspawn OS. How’s that?

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: Sonofa… Is there some error? How’s the drive look?

Floppy Drive: Drive ‘A’ ready. Please insert a floppy disk!

Me: Hey, something different — progress! Let’s try this disk again.

Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

Me: You’re the reason Amish people hate us. You know that, right? Bastard.

Of course, a balky floppy drive is of little consequence, really. Nobody uses floppies any more, except as coasters and kitsch art accessories. They’ve gone the way of the dinosaurs, the dodo birds, and Dick Clark’s singing voice. The floppy drive, I could live without.

But it seems the stubborn obtuse streak started by the floppy drive is contagious. Like wildfire, it’s spread to the DVD drive (‘Disc? I don’t see no disc.‘), the mouse (‘Are you clicking something? ‘Cause I sure don’t feel it.‘), and finally tonight to the CD-R drive (‘Sure, I’ll write out some songs for you… but onto what? I don’t see anything in the drive.‘). It’s as though there were ‘stupid juice’ in the water my computer is drinking, or maybe the hamster sitting inside the thing keeping it running is finally getting senile.

Whatever it is, it’s got me stymied. I just had a conversation very similar to the one above, only an order of magnitude longer, and with far, far more cursing. Also, it concerned burning a CD, so iTunes decided to intervene and only served to escalate the extracurriculars going on. Hey, iTunes — when I want your Apple-lovin’ help, I’ll reach into my start menu and throttle it out of you. Until then, stay the hell out of it. This is between me and the hardware; you’re only gonna get yourself hurt.

I suppose the only immediate consequence of this is that the world will have to wait until another day for my killer phat ‘Best of Crowded House‘ mix CD. And as tragic as that seems right now, somehow I imagine the world will manage to struggle through in its absence. I suppose you and I will, too. I’m not sure how, exactly, in the face of this crisis; we’ll just have to find a way. Be strong, my friend. Be something. So. Strong.

(God, I’m such a dork.)

Permalink  |  5 Comments

5 Responses to “Don’t Dream It’s Ever (Going to Work Again)”

  1. The Red says:

    “Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

    Me: But… I just did. There’s a disk in drive ‘A’ right now.

    Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.

    Me: I don’t think you understand. It’s in there. Right now. Go see!

    Floppy Drive: Please insert disk into drive A:.”

    I have had many such conversations with my puter. Only with a lot of strong and very descriptive language on what the damn thing could do with the floppy in a sun-don’t-shine-kind-of-way. Assuming it had a place such as that.

    I consider myself technically challenged even thought I am an editor/writer for an ezine and a webmaster for a writer’s association. Go figure!

  2. The Red says:

    I see from my last comment that my editor skills are a trifle dull…”thought” instead of “though”?

    Coffee! That’s it! I’ll blame my boo boo on the lack of coffee! Yay!

  3. jenny says:

    maybe you should invite the sumo guys over for a bit of intimidation… i think even a pile of plastic parts knows better than to mess around with a guy in a giant diaper-thong

  4. RRaccoon says:

    ‘Are you clicking something? ‘Cause I sure don’t feel it.’

    You need to head to your local bookstore and look for “Pleasing your peripherals in 10 easy steps.” Look in Self-help or Erotica, I’m not sure which.

  5. Lee Roy says:

    I had this problem also and struggles with it for days. If everythin else appears correct,you must be sure the ribbon cable’s red strip is on pin 1 on the motherboard and the floppy drive. Check your manuals for pin 1. I flipped the ribbon cable on my new Sony drive so that the red stripe is on the left side of the drive socket looking from the back. This is just the reverse of the stripe on the CD/DVD drives. Floppy now work fine.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved