Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

It’s Nine AM; Do You Know Where Your Blog Is?

Folks, here I am, writing this in what I consider the ‘wee’ hours of hte morning. The actual wee hours are when I get most of my shit done, so trust me when I tell you that eight fricking thirty o’clock is not my friend. This must be what boot camp is like. The horror.

But as a writer, you never know when the muse will strike, and mine belted me a solid one across the chops, apparently, as I lay sleeping a few minutes ago. She wasn’t thoughtful enough to leave me a topic in the welt or anything, but that’s not unusual. Muses are like that. Lousy shiftless mythological bitches.

Of course, the main drawback to writing so early in the morning is the same issue with doing anything before a reasonable hour like noon — I’m likely to hurt myself. Of all the bumps, bruises, scrapes, nicks, owies, and tongues stuck in dangerous places with live electrical currents that I can remember, the vast majority have happened before I’ve had a chance to shake off the sleepyheads and get my wits about me.

(No, that doesn’t explain the black eyes, the headaches, the swelling, the nausea, the exhaustion, or the tongues stuck in dangerous places without live electrical current.

But that’s only because nighttime has the decency to include booze, chicks, and parties, to keep you entertained. Morning could learn a whole lot cbout ‘customer service’ from nighttime.)

(And who am I kidding? The last time I had my tongue stuck in anything interesting, it was when I bet the dog I could get the last Vlassic slice out of the jar without using my hands. I accidentally snorted pickle juice and a hamburger chip into my lung. She won a Milkbone. Welcome to my life, folks. Glamorous, no?)

The fact is, nothing much good ever happened between six am and noon, as far as I can tell. That’s when you get out of bed, not into it. That’s when you go to work, not leave it. You eat bran muffins, instead of nachos. And you wake up with that three, after you went to bed with a nine.*

(* Previous statement could be taken in a number of ways. I suggest you choose one, and stick with it. This is not a sentence to be wishy-washy with.)

For most of my adult life, I’ve tried to avoid mornings altogether. I treat them like a bad illness, or a conversation about ‘feelings’, or an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond‘ — I’ll just sleep blissfully through it, and somebody wake me when the fever lifts and the credits roll.

Of course, the ‘day job’ overlords tend to frown on that sort of thing. And — seeing as how I need money to feed my booze and tongue salve and dill pickle habits — I’m obligated to spend time in their dungeons at their whim. Which usually involves ‘the morning’. Overlords can be very cruel, when they put their minds to it.

So here I am, up and awake and groggy like a raccoon in Ted Kennedy’s trash can.

(See, that’s political humor, apparently. That can’t possibly be mine. I don’t know how it got there; I shouldn’t even be awake yet, dammit.

Mostly, it’s drinking humor, really, but Ted Kennedy fell into it somehow. I’m guessing he has a lot of that sort of trouble in the mornings, too. I feel ya, Teddy.)

But I’m ‘fighting the power’ with this post, you see. If I have to be awake, then I might as well do something fun before slaving away at the office, right? And writing is fun, dammit. Never mind that so far, I’ve bumped my head on the monitor, rolled the chair over my foot, and gotten a nasty paper cut from the ‘k’ key — this is still worth getting out of bed for. Barely.

Now, if I can just manage to negotiate the shower without impaling myself on the shampoo bottle, maybe I’ll see you again at a decent hour. Happy morning, folks.

Permalink  |  4 Comments

4 Responses to “It’s Nine AM; Do You Know Where Your Blog Is?”

  1. Jenn says:

    Oh, Charlie.

    I refuse to say “good morning” to anyone. If spoken to, my answer is simply, “mornin’.” In my eyes, there’s not single damned thing about it that’s good.

    Anyway, from one non-morning person to another, I raise my giant mug of too-strong black coffee to you. Cheers.

  2. The Red says:

    I am soooo not a morning person and only get up in the early hours so I can get out of my dungeon sooner in the afternoon. So if I get in here by 6:30 AM I am out of here by 3:00 PM.

    BUT I don’t talk to anyone first thing in the morning. I grunt! If someone says “Good morning.” I say “Arg” or “Ugh” or some such monosyballic thing. I live alone now (well, except for the three cats) and when I did have humans living with me they soon knew not to even look me in the eyes before my first cup of coffee let alone say anything to me.

    The only way to safely wake me up in the mornings involves a naked man who does the horizontal mamba with me before I even wake up all the way. IF he can get started before I rip his head off then he has it made in the shade and I am normal afterwards. Well, as normal as I can get anyway.

  3. RRaccoon says:

    Mornings are evil and best just endured, not embraced. If I’m feeling particularly friendly to someone I’ll say “morning.” It’s the bare minimum I can get away with to convey “I acknowledge your presence and under other circumstances it would probably please me to no end that you are alive in the world.”

  4. ghostdance says:

    Happy morning poeple piss me off. Anybody that can smile and give you that “Good morning sunshine” crap should be beating bloody. And if I ever hear the line “hasn’t Mr. Grumpy had his morning coffee yet?” again, I don’t think I should be held responsible for my actions. That’s why I work nights.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved