Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

What Exactly Do You Mean, ‘What’s Up, Doc?’

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment coming up this week. There’s going to be check-upping, and blood-taking, and blood pressure-measuring. There may well be cup-peeing, and there’s a fair chance of coughing-during-a-crotch-cupping. I can only hope that this time, that kind of shit starts after I get into the doctor’s office. Those old ladies waiting for their meds are relentless, man.

In any case, it could be worse. I’m still young enough that I don’t have to go through the discomfort and squeamishness of a prostate-fondling. At least, not unless my primary physician is willing to buy me dinner and take me out on the town first.

(Hey, I’m not made of stone, people. You get a doctor spending cash to feed you, you’ve gotta put out, right? Somebody back me up here.

Um, yeah. Pun unintended on ‘back me up’, all right? Let’s just forget my prostate ever came up, okay?)

Anyway, I have a feeling this isn’t going to be a particularly pleasant visit with the ol’ doc. I’ve been a bad boy lately — lots of work, little exercise, and way bad eating habits. Perhaps not the worst eating habits in the world — I’m not popping pork rinds, or scarfing chicken wings for lunch every day. You won’t find me snorting burrito squeezings off a hooker’s back anytime soon. So it could be worse.

(And come to think of it, is a hooker’s back worse than a hooker’s front, nutritionally speaking? Maybe it’s dependent on just how far up or down you go on the front or back; it seems like you could get into different sorts of gastronomic difficulty, depending on where exactly you decided to commence your snorting. And, of course, how hard you chose to nostril-suck those squeezings.

It turns out to be very complicated, when you take a good, hard look at it. It’s a wonder anything ever gets snorted off hookers at all, really. I suddenly have a new respect for rock star coke fiends.)

But the point is, I’ve not been eating well lately. There’s been too much pizza, too much takeout food, and too much sugary crap. My blood’s gonna be just swimming with the kind of crud that gets very stern looks from health professionals. Very stern looks, indeed. Maybe even an extra crotch-cupping. And believe me, with my doc, that is not a good thing. Dude looks like Perry Mason with a bushier ‘stache. It’s not cool.

That wasn’t always the case, though.

(Well, wait a second. As far as I can say, it is always the case that this guy has looked like an overstuffed, portly porn star. That’s the only look he’s had in the two-plus years that I’ve known him, so maybe it’s permanent. For all I know, he came squirting out of the womb that way. But that’s not what I meant.)

What I mean is that it wasn’t always the case that I had a guy like this for a doctor. He’s my most recent, but not my only, physician. I even had a woman for a doctor once, several years ago — now that was an experience.

She wasn’t ‘gorgeous’, per se, but she wasn’t a potbellied John Holmes lookalike, either. Not by any means; in fact, she was quite attractive, which is just about the most unfortunate kind of doc a guy can have, provided he doesn’t live in some sort of alternate reality bizarro ‘Penthouse Letters’ world. And trust me, folks — a lot of strange things happen in my life, but a wild night of monkey lovin’ with a hot doctor and a jar of tongue depressors is not in my cards. I’m frankly not even sure I have cards.

Anyway, I only had one checkup from my lady physician, but it was pretty nervewracking. Not because of my diet or workout habits at the time — frankly, they were a helluva lot worse then, but I was too young to be worried about such trivial matters as personal health or life expectancy. Rather, I spent the entire first twenty minutes of the checkup with a single thought running through my head:

When she tells me to cough, don’t get excited. When she tells me to cough, don’t get excited. When she tells me to cough, don’t get —

What’s that, doctor? Drop my pants and cough? Um… okay. Any chance you could morph yourself into a bored, matronly old type for a minute? No? All right, fine — grab away, lady. Mi saco es su saco, if you know where I’m coming from. And if you don’t… well, you’re about to. I just hope those hands are warm.

In the end (pun intended this time), the exam went just fine. I coughed as requested, and that was the end of it. No health problems, no extracurricular jiggling, and — perhaps most importantly — no standing at attention, down there, during the whole procedure. And that’s just peachy. These healthcare professionals can forgive a lot of nonsense from their patients, but I’m thinking that a poke in the eye with Captain Happy is not going to go over big. That’s all I’m saying.

All right, I forget what the hell my point was. I’m sure it had something to do with my impending doctor’s appointment, and how I’m not looking forward to being lectured about the crap I’m eating. Or having my goodies grabbed, even if it is in the name of medicine. I dunno — maybe I can clean up my act — and my diet — in the few days I have left. Erase the effects of weeks of bad habits in a few short days? Yeah, probably not. I suppose I’ll just have to go in there and take my medicine like a man. Dammit!

Hell, the least I can do is practice my coughing. No point in going into my checkup completely unprepared, right?

Permalink  |  5 Comments

5 Responses to “What Exactly Do You Mean, ‘What’s Up, Doc?’”

  1. P says:

    “a poke in the eye with Captain Happy” — Charlie, you so crack me up! :)

  2. croila says:

    You want to get yourself a female doctor, mate! ;-)

  3. milehighcyn says:

    Yes dear Charlie, the “Captain Happy” comment is THE reason I have to clean the monitor now….coffee spew.

  4. Rae says:

    I third the Captain Happy comment- no coffee or liquid spewing (already had it) but a good chuckle.

  5. Amber says:

    Imagine what she was thinking….

    “When I tell him to cough please don’t let him get aroused. When I tell him to cough please don’t let him get aroused. When I tell him to cough please don’t let him get aroused.”


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved