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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Hey! What the Hell’s Going On Down There?

You know, you women have it easy.

Oh, sure, there’s that pesky menstruation thing. And childbirth — I hear that can be somewhat uncomfortable at times. I’ll admit, you certainly have your ‘inconveniences’.

But that stuff is nothing, compared to the nightmare that we guys have to go through sometimes. Like me. Like tonight, just a few minutes ago.

See, I’d been sitting — okay, slouching — on the couch for a couple of hours, watching TV and surfing around on my laptop. But just a little while ago, I decided to get up for a beer. And that’s when it happened — one of the most unsettling, uncomfortable, unnerving things that can happen to a man.

My privates had fallen asleep. The horror.

Now, for you female types — and possibly guys out there with exceptional blood circulation — who have never experienced this particular brand of ickyness… well, frankly, I’m not sure I can describe it. It probably should come as no surprise, really. Honestly, would you expect to be able to imagine what walking around with a numb penis between your legs feels like, if you’d never actually experienced it? I might as well try to tell you what having a rhinoceros horn is like, or a lemur tail.

If, on the other hand, you’ve, um, walked a mile in my… er, ‘shoes’, then you too have felt the fear and shame and tingly pins and needles that I suffered tonight. And you know what a weird feeling it was — I could still walk, of course. It wasn’t painful, exactly. But it’s not fricking natural — I waggled my leg, and wiggled my boxers… I even shook my money maker, but to no avail. There was no magic spell I could cast to wake my ‘leetle friend‘ from its slumber. All I could do is stand there, hopping from one foot to the other like a damned tool, until the blood pumped itself back into place. Humiliating, dammit.

So think about that, ladies, next time you’re inconvenienced by that pesky morning sickness thing, or you’re feeling bloated or grumpy. Just remember — no matter how bad it is, it could always be worse. Your willie could fall asleep on you. Surely, I don’t have to tell you how that trumps just about everything this side of being drawn and quartered. Surely.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go run up and down the stairs until I can feel my testicularies again. If I’m not back, please… remember me — and my tingly nethers — fondly, won’t you?

Permalink  |  9 Comments

9 Responses to “Hey! What the Hell’s Going On Down There?”

  1. P says:

    even worse than the numb, sleeping Winky, is the pins and needles feeling when Mr Johnson starts waking up! my condolences to you my friend.

  2. Boo Hoo. I’ll take numbness over bleeding like a stuck pig and the accompanying cramps anyday.

    Having said that, I hope Mr. Winky feels all better now. I can’t think of anything more useless than a numb Winky and you seem like such a nice fellow. You shouldn’t have to suffer like that. I’d offer a solution but I have none. If you’d like increased length or girth I can help though. Just holler and I’ll gladly forward the assload of offers I get on a daily basis. If I actually had a Winky and those offers are to be believed, it would be Godzilla Winky.

  3. JustAgirl says:

    So a few moments of numbness equals or is WORSE than 7 years of bleeding and childbirth? Right!!

    But I’m a girl so I don’t know how it feels when your weenie gets all numb on you. Still don’t think it’s in the same category though.

    Men and their willies.


  4. cw says:

    I’m sure there’s a fetish site or two out there devoted to your malady. You can be their patron saint.

  5. zoot says:

    probably about as uncomfortable as waking up in the middle of the night to pins and needles in your scalp… of all the places running low on blood, i’d rather my brain not be one of them.

  6. Monkey says:

    Woah there, slick. If a gal sits just right then it can happen to us too. I’m sure having mister winky all tingly and hurty is uncomfy, but try getting around with one of your flaps all asleep.

  7. Monkey says:

    Then again, the thought of wandering around with a numb penis dangling between one’s legs is enough to send even the most stalwart of person into a cold sweat…

  8. Dawn says:

    Ick. All this talk of uneasiness, etc. is enough to send one crawling into a corner to whimper in the fetal position. However, just be thankful you don’t have to go through with that same state every month. You don’t have to go through one week of hell, and then three weeks of dread as you await the approaching malady once more. Ick. *shivers*

  9. TOMMYT says:

    Dude, loosen your belt!!

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