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Eight-Question Dating: The Shortcut to Love

I missed out on the hot dating trends of the past few years. I latched onto my wife over fifteen years ago, and we’ve been married for nearly ten, so I haven’t had the need to check out how the kids get together to get their freak on these days.

But the hookup hype is hard to avoid. It’s everywhere — on radio ads, internet sites, woven into sitcom storylines. And it seems to this highly-successful Romeo — married for ten years, did I mention? — that you single people are spending way too much effort in finding a body with which to bump uglies.

Take ‘Eight-Minute Dating‘, for instance. Sure, it sounds quick and easy, but eight minutes is a long time in today’s fast-paced world. That’s longer than many people’s lunch breaks, longer than a trendy ab workout, even longer than the latest craptastic Kelly Clarkson croon.

(I know, I know — the songs seem to last forever. But seriously, start a stopwatch next time one comes on the radio. It’s only, like, four minutes of hell. Five, tops. You’ll be surprised.)

I’m confident that evaluating a potential mate shouldn’t take anywhere near that long. Back in school, my buddy Joe could hit on — and strike out with — every girl in the bar, during one ‘TV timeout’ in a football game. The dude was Barney from ‘How I Met Your Mother‘, while Doogie was still in diapers.

(Speaking of which — am I the only one who noticed (a slightly stylized version of) the Replacements’ Skyway playing during the ‘airport goodbye’ scene in Monday’s episode? Catchy, appropriate, and a nod to one of the coolest bands of my generation.

The show I started watching because Alyson Hannigan makes me tingly inside is getting better all the time. Just an observation.)

“Wow, she’s really secure with her own looks. Which is amazing, given the glass eye and that ass and those things on her chin.”

In an effort to help you not-yet-paired-up people out there — and in the spirit of Joes and Barneys everywhere — I’m offering you a tremendous time-saving idea. Forget ‘Eight-Minute Dating‘; all you really need are eight answers. Eight simple answers, to eight yes-or-no questions. One set for dudes, one set for chicks. If the yesses keep coming, then you’re on your way to cockle-warming, heart-swelling, lip-locking bliss — or as close as you’re likely to get, anyway.

So gather ’round, lovesick lads and lasses, and soak up Charlie’s Eight-Question Dating Guide. Just be sure to have an open bar at the wedding you’ll eventually invite me to. Don’t go skimping on your Cupid, baby.

Charlie’s Eight-Question Dating Guide

Hooking up with a hottie has never been easier! Simply choose the appropriate set of eight questions below (‘For Her’ or ‘For Him’), depending on the gender of your latest lust, and fire away. If your tawdry target answers ‘yes’, that’s a good sign; move on to the next question. If the sultry senor or senorita says ‘no’, then move on to your next potential pucker partner. Life’s too short to spend yakking with incompatibles. Time is money! Love is in the air! Get in there and woo your ass off!

Eight Questions for Her

Eight Questions for Him

Eight Questions for Her:

1. So… you come here often?

If she answers ‘NO’: What, she thinks she’s too good for this shithole? Harrumph, sister — you ain’t all that. Bzzzzzt!

If she answers ‘YES’: So she spends as much time in bars as you do. There’s one thing in common already!

2. Can I buy you a drink?

NO: In a bar, but she won’t take a drink? So she’s a snooty broad, a pro, or else your fly’s unzipped. Move on.

YES: Nice play, playah. You’ll look even better after her next G&T. Allllll right.

3. I like stuff. Do you like stuff?

NO: Jeez, who doesn’t like stuff? Stuff is great. Why would she say that? Are you sure your fly’s not down?

YES: She likes stuff, too? What, were you separated at birth or something? She could be your soulmate, man!

4. Our waitress sure is pretty, isn’t she?

NO: Ah, there’s the ugly head of jealousy, reared again. That could have been pointed at you someday. Get out now, while you still can.

YES: Wow, she’s really secure with her own looks. Which is amazing, given the glass eye and that ass and those things on her chin. Either that, or she’s hot for the waitress, too. Keep an eye on that threesome, baby.

5. Do you like this shirt? My mom picked it out.

NO: Pfffft. Well, mother would never approve of her, then. Best to excuse yourself and lick your wounds back in mom’s basement. Maybe she’ll make you some nice cocoa.

YES: Damn, this girl sounds too good to be true. You’d better test her to see if she’s for real, dude.

6. Boy, watching football and drinking beer kicks ass, huh?

NO: Not into pigskin and keggers? When would you ever see each other, then? NEXT!

YES: Don’t buy it, dude; now she’s just playing you. You’d better get to the bottom of this.

7. Are you one of those desperate, clingy, needy girls who agrees with everything, but eventually turns into a raving psycho bitch?

NO: Liar! That’s exactly what a raving psycho bitch would say! Run away! RUN AWAY!!!

YES: Well, at least she’s honest. Just break up with her before all hell breaks lose. How hard could that be, right?

8. So… do you put out on the first date?

NO: The worst kind of psycho bitch is the prude kind of psycho bitch. And you know you’re not getting that threesome with the waitress now. Wrap it up!

YES: Bingo! You’re gettin’ some desperate raving psycho boo-tay tonight, brother! Check, please.

Eight Questions for Him:

1. Do you believe a relationship is about being partners?

If he answers ‘NO’: Great. He’s one of those Neanderthal ‘woman’s place is in the kitchen’ types. Unless you’re into scrubbing floors and ironing wifebeaters, tell him to take a hike!

If he answers ‘YES’: Aw, he’s the sensitive type. Now let’s just hope he’s not a mama’s boy.

2. Do you like children?

NO: What kind of ogre doesn’t like kids? And why didn’t you notice his hump and green warty skin before? Say goodnight, Gracie; this troll’s not for you.

YES: Well, isn’t he sweet? And look — he’s only barely slurping his beer, too. This one’s got potential, honey. He might be a keeper.

3. How about animals?

NO: What would your kitties Mister Precious and Whiskers Magee say about him, then? They’d say he’s a big poop, wouldn’t they? Yes, they would! Oh yes they would, those widdle wascals!

YES: Well, that’s great. Just so long as he doesn’t have one of those big sloppy slobbery dogs, anyway. If anyone’s going to do any drooling in this relationship, it’d better be him!

4. Would you be comfortable meeting my family?

NO: He’s obviously afraid of commitment, then. He would have freaked out the first time you left your toothbrush in his bathroom. So not spongeworthy.

YES: Sure, he says that now. Just wait till he meets your nitpicking mother and ex-Marine dad. Still — nice gesture on his part. Ten points!

5. Will you be understanding when I invite my girlfriends over?

NO: So it’s fine for his cigar-chomping poker buddies, but you can’t have a wine and movie night with the girls? Kick that jerk to the curb!

YES: He’s really got all his bases covered, eh? Just so long as he doesn’t hit on your sister while they’re making the popcorn, everthing will be just fine.

6. How about when I want to explore my own interests?

NO: Oh, a domineering type, eh? Well, in case you haven’t heard, mister, sisters are doin’ it for themselves these days! Waggle your neck at the chump and let him talk to the hand.

YES: Damn, this guy sounds too good to be true. You’d better test him to see if he’s for real, girl.

7. Are you just telling me what you think I want to hear?

NO: Lord, he is a mama’s boy. You want a life of PG movies, meatloaf nights and man-on-top missionary? I didn’t think so.

YES: Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. No guy has ever answered ‘yes’ to that before. Heeeey, waitaminit, buster…

8. Have you been adding ‘in bed‘ to all of my questions in your head?

NO: Then he’s clearly no good in the sack. Who does he think he is, not thinking about sex when you’re talking to him? Ciao, loser!

YES: That pig! Animals?! Your FAMILY!?! Ewww! Still, he is honest. In this day and age, a truthful pig is about the best you can hope for. And at least he’s not hitting on that cute waitress. Grab on tight, girl, and don’t ever let go!