What Was That? Nothing? Ooh, How About That? Nothing, Too? Damn!

November 4, 2003

What Was That? Nothing? Ooh, How About That? Nothing, Too? Damn!

Hum de hum de hum.

Folks, I gotta warn you — I got nothin’ tonight. No topic, no plan, no ‘hey, guess what funny shit happened to me today‘. Nuttin’. But here I am, on schedule, and I’ll do my best to entertain you. The spirit is willing, folks. Stick around, and we’ll see what the flesh is up to.

(Okay, forget I mentioned ‘the flesh’. I may have nothing to talk about, but I’m not gonna resort to flashing flab at you nice people. I don’t mind trying to make you unsnort milk through your nose, but I try to avoid any actual audience ralphing. No, no — you can thank me later. It’s just my way of showing that I care. By, um, not showing you much of anything at all. Trust me, you’re better off.)

So. Off to a rousing start, no? Well, look, it’s not my damned fault, all right? I can’t help it if nothing funny or weird or interesting happened to me today. That’s what I get for finding a damned job, I guess. I remember the good old days — this summer, that is — when I could just stay home all day and try all manner of dangerous, ridiculous shit, so I’d have something to write about. Grease on the floor, small animals in the blender, gratuitous nudity on the roof — really, it didn’t matter. If I thought it might make a good story, then I was there, dude.

(And soon after, I was in the hospital, or the police station. Just another case of ‘the man‘ holding me down. Or, um, reattaching my various appendages. Hey, sometimes ‘the man‘ comes in handy, all right? Don’t hate him because he’s cruel.

Oh, wait, no. I take it back — hate him. Hate ‘the man‘. That’s why he’s there. The dickhead.)

Okay, where was I? Ah, looking for something risible to regale you with. Right. Well, then. I’d better get on that.

(Hey, while I’m at it, how are those ‘Word of the Day‘ thingies working out, anyway? Worth the effort? Irrelevant? Distracting? Dead sexy?

Sorry… I always throw that last one in there, just to see if someone will bite. Or lick, or nibble. Whatever.

Yeah, it never works. Dammit. Look, just tell me whether you like the damned words or not, all right? I got other fish to fry here.)

Maybe I was just too damned tired today. I’m still not used to getting up for those nine am meetings. Maybe all sorts of interesting and weird crap was going on around me today, and I just sleepwalked through it. I don’t remember any crocodile jugglers or amputee strippers, but maybe I just missed them. I was really tired, after all. But you’d think someone would call that shit to my attention, wouldn’t you? Seriously. I shouldn’t have to miss the good stuff, just because I’m all tuckered out.

I think it’s more likely that it was just a dull, boring day. And so, here you are reading a dull, boring entry.

(Sorry, folks — I’ve gotta play the cards I’m dealt here. You want excitement and hilarity around here, then you’d better help out, dammit. Do some sort of funny dance for me, or dump food on someone’s head. Or run around with no pants on. C’mon, make yourselves useful, would you? Go give someone a class five swirly, then send them into the boss’ office. Or rub tabasco sauce on your crotch and visit the dogs at the pound. Anything, people. Give me anything. Please?)

Well, this isn’t getting any better. I promise I’ll have something more for you tomorrow. Surely something will happen tomorrow. And if not, I’ll make shit up. That’s really the only alternative I have at this point. I tried the hot sauce crotch trick, and all I got was sneezed on by a bunch of dogs. And while dog snot all over your legs is many things, it’s not funny. Not when it’s my legs. Yours, maybe. Mine, nuh-uh. So I’m not goin’ there. But maybe I’ll throw another hamster in the blender and climb back on the roof again in the morning. Things are getting desperate.