Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Too Many Secrets

Earlier this week, I ran out of deodorant. I found myself standing in the bathroom, with one underarm appropriately anti-perspirated and smelling of fresh mountain air, and the other… not. My trusty stick of Mennen was rubbed down to the plastic nub, no longer able to protect me from the tense and sweaty rigors of daily life.

So, I set off to the hall closet — gingerly, so as not to break an asymmetric sweat — to find another stick of deodorant. Which I found, sort of. Specifically, what I located was:

  • zero sticks of men’s deodorant
  • seven sticks of women’s deodorant

“I can’t personally vouch for all of my wife’s activities over the past few weeks, but I assure you I would notice a round of sudden and excessive panting.”

Now, my wife does most of the grocery shopping, which includes keeping our antiperspirant arsenal stocked. It’s certainly her prerogative to buy herself something nice and delicately scented for her pits. That’s my lady there. Nothing’s too good or too pH-balanced for her.

But I’ve never seen this sort of glaring disparity before. It’s remarkable enough that I have to believe one of two things have happened:

Possibly, my wife has recently stopped perspiring — not sweating, as ladies don’t sweat, she tells me — and I haven’t noticed. Maybe at some point, we each had seven sticks of deodorant, and I’ve simply used mine up while hers are collecting dust. As opposed to mine, which mostly collect sweat and odor and little curly hairs.

Hopefully, she doesn’t have some sort of medical condition or ‘perspire gland’ blockage. It seems fairly unlikely, though. I mean, my dog can’t sweat, and she sits around the house all day with her tongue hanging out. I can’t personally vouch for all of my wife’s activities over the past few weeks, but I assure you I would notice a round of sudden and excessive panting.

)Notice it, and be oddly excited about it. Especially if she also could scratch her ears with her feet or sniff my crotch at inappropriate times. Perhaps that’s asking too much.)

The other explanation is that she’s suddenly started sweating perspiring a lot, and now needs all seven of those deodorant sticks. Certainly, her job can be stressful — and she’s been pretty busy at the office lately — but if she’s going through three sticks of Secret a week, it might be time to think about a vacation. Or at least taking a towel to work. And maybe a mop.

In any case, I did the only thing I could do at that point. I found the stick of deodorant she was currently using, and glommed it all over my previously unprotected underarm. Then I wiped away any evidence from the top of her Secret, and nonchalantly walked away from the bathroom. It’s ‘strong enough for a man’, right? So why does it have to smell like lilacs and roses? Give me a fighting chance, already.

On the way to work, I bought myself some deodorant. Lots of deodorant. And when the drug store clerk commented on my ‘summery scent’, I went back to my car and rubbed on roll-on like a smelly, sweaty son of a bitch. Which I was, at that point. Yet still, I smelled like flowers and fluffy pillows.

You know, sometimes I wonder whether it’s just easier to let them see me sweat. Jeez.

Permalink  |  3 Comments

3 Responses to “Too Many Secrets”

  1. Jenny says:

    Hey – at least you wipe off the evidence.

    There’s been more than one occasion where I’ve opened my deodorant to discover several of my husband’s short curly hairs on the stick. (His UNDERARM hair you sicko.)

    The only thing worse than that is to go to brush you teeth before bed to discover that someone else has just used it. Ewwww. I open more new toothbrushes that way.

  2. kerry says:

    my hubby uses spray deoderant, which i’ve been known to “borrow” occassionally. that’s just the way it goes when you’re married, isn’t it?

  3. Roofie Raccoon says:

    On two occassions earlier this year I found that I was in such a hurry to leave the house that I forgot to put on deodorant. That was most bothersome, though I suspect (or hope) nobody else noticed.

    The first time I thought “first time in 20 years of having a job, no big deal.” The second time I thought “I’m going senile. Fuck.”

    So I bought an extra stick and keep it in the back of a drawer in my desk.

    I have since used it THREE times. I’m afraid of how quickly senility is creeping up on me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved