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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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Romancing the Stalk

If I’ve learned one thing in twelve years of marriage, twenty-plus years of courting the fairer sex, and nearly four decades of being a doofus, it’s this:

There’s a razor-thin line between being ‘romantic’ and being ‘creepy‘.

Sure, the ladies love to be lavished with attention — but only the right sort of attention. And just the right amount of lavishing. It’s very easy to overlavish.

(Lavish her or leave her. If you lavish her more than twice, you’re only playing with her. Lavisher? I barely even know ‘er!

And so on.)

“All you hair-sniffers and bush-hider-inners out there should probably start taking notes.”

In the interest of saving would-be Romeos out there from making the same mistakes/misdemeanors/restraining order violations that I’ve made, I’d like to point out a few examples of how ‘Sweet‘ can turn to ‘Sugary‘ can turn to ‘Stalky‘. All you hair-sniffers and bush-hider-inners out there should probably start taking notes.

Sweet: Opening the car door for your lady.

Sugary: Opening the subway door for your lady.

Stalky: Opening the bathroom door for your lady.

Sweet: Sending a dozen roses to your sweetie’s workplace.

Sugary: Sending twelve dozen roses to your sweetie’s workplace.

Stalky: Sending Axl Rose to your sweetie’s workplace.

Sweet: Carving your honey’s initials into a tree.

Sugary: Carving your honey’s initials into a Furby.

Stalky: Carving your honey’s initials into your knee.

Sweet: Serenading your sweetheart with a song from ‘When a Man Loves a Woman‘.

Sugary: Serenading your sweetheart with a song from ‘When Harry Met Sally‘.

Stalky: Serenading your sweetheart with a song from ‘When Animals Attack‘.

Sweet: Baking your darling a cake, in the shape of a cake pan.

Sugary: Baking your darling a cake in the shape of a heart.

Stalky: Baking your darling a cake in the shape of an anatomically correct heart. With aortal icing.

Sweet: Surprising your lover by taking her to her favorite restaurant.

Sugary: Surprising your lover by reading to her from her favorite book.

Stalky: Surprising your lover by wearing her favorite panties.

Hopefully, these tips can help keep the more zealous wooers among you on the right side of romantic. If not, then the next ‘registry’ you’ll be listed on probably won’t be for wedding gifts. I’m just sayin’.

Permalink  |  3 Comments

3 Responses to “Romancing the Stalk”

  1. kerry says:

    i don’t want to know.

  2. TFinns says:

    Great post. Amen brother! I remember when I met my lovely wife of almost fifteen years for the first time. It was a Saturday. We hit it off pretty well. I called the following Wednesday to see if she wanted to go out.

    She thought I was a stalker–I waited until WEDNESDAY for God’s sake. She was still freaked out.

    I must have done something right–she’s still with me to this day. Go figure.

  3. tfinns says:

    Great post!

    I met my wife on a Saturday many years ago. We hit it off pretty well. I called her the following Wednesday to see if she would like to go out.

    She thought I was a psycho. I WAITED UNTIL WEDNESDAY! She thought that was the calling card of a certified whack job.

    She turned out to be right,of course. But here we are coming up on fifteen years of marital bliss and she’s still tolerating me.

    “Women: ‘Can’t live with’em, pass the beernuts…”

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