Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Flying Solo for a Night

I’m on my own tonight. My wife’s off cavorting — or gallavanting, or maybe even merrymaking — with friends in Maine. Some sort of ‘girls night in Maine’ thing. If I didn’t know any better, I’d wonder whether they’d slipped off to Canada for… well, for what, I wouldn’t know, exactly. I mean, I’ve been to Canada myself a few times, but I never went for anything. What do they have up there, anyway? Snow? Mounted police? Grizzly bears? I had a buddy back in grad school who went up every year for the strippers; maybe that’s what the ladies are doing. Maybe they’ve taught grizzlies, or Mounties, or the Mackenzie brothers, to shake their thangs and strip down to their skivvies and beyond.

(Though I frankly don’t see the point, given the subjects. None of those beasts are terribly attractive, for one thing. Seems like a helluva long way to go for that. Plus, all those things are so damned hairy, you’d never know they’d finished taking off their clothes, anyway. Buncha fuzzy-assed half-evolved goobers, anyway.)

But that’s not the point.

(I know, I know — you may wish that naked grizzlies and booty-shaking Canucks were the point, but they’re not. So sorry to disappoint.)

The point is that my wife is in Maine — or in some seedy Canadian weiner joint, but she’s most certainly, definitely not here. And so, I’m all by my lonesome tonight, here in this big old house.

I suppose that, technically, I’m not exactly ‘alone‘, of course. The dog’s with me — she’s sleeping at my feet right now, as a matter of fact. But the fact remains that I’m the only entity in the house tonight with an IQ higher than a block of formica, unless that moldy goop under the fridge has managed to get it together and form a brain. Last I checked, though, it was still buying lottery tickets and watching the WB, so I’m gonna go ahead and say that I’m the only measurably intelligent being here tonight.

(Hey, at least I watch Fox. Nyah!)

Anyway, the important thing is that this is the first time I’ve spent a night here without the wifey present. We just moved into the house in the spring, and she hasn’t taken any trips alone since then. So I’m not quite sure what to do with myself, I’ve got to admit. This is new territory for me, or at least familiar territory in a new environment. Either way, it’s a bit unsettling. Oh, not yet, really — I’m used to being alone here on the weekends from time to time, during the day. I’ve spent my time so far the way I normally would in this situation — piddling with the computer (but not on the computer, as that’s far less practical, and significantly smellier), watching TV, and… um, well, watching more TV. I’ve seen movies, Simpsons, football, and even my beloved Syracuse Orangemen — all in all, a rich, full day of boob tubery. The Panthers-Cowboys game is on now, and that should carry me into MadTV / Saturday Night Live territory, which in turn will see me through until well after midnight.

The problem is — what then? Go sleep in that big, empty bed, in the middle of that wide, empty room, stuck in the corner of that spacious, empty upstairs, in this barren, empty house? Humph. Not likely. Way too creepy, even if I could find my ‘Illuminate-Me-Elmo’ night light and plug it in.

(Which I can’t, because it’s probably packed in a box in the attic, and I am not goin’ up there tonight. That’s just crazy. What do I look like over here, Jamie Lee Curtis circa 1988? Pshaw.)

So, I’m gonna have to find some other ways to occupy my time for a while, until I’m ready to collapse into bed and sleep, no matter what the situation. It’s weird enough not having my wife here tonight to hang out with; I’d have to be exhausted to get to sleep in the bed without her in it, too. It just doesn’t feel right. Oh sure, I can sleep without her in the morning — hell, she goes to work at six a-friggin’-m — but late at night? No. It’s unnatural.

And this being the first time it’s happened in the new house, I’m not sure yet what I’m gonna do. I might stay down here and watch TV, I suppose. There’s probably some good comedy saved on the TiVo that I haven’t watched yet.

(I took care of all the Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama, Coupling, and Monty Python since coming back, though — being stuck in the house with a cold for six days straight will do that to you.)

On the other hand, maybe I’ll pick out a computer game upstairs and get engrossed in that for a few hours. I could always put together a football team or basketball squad, and take ’em to the title. Or find some sort of strategy puzzler, or a nice shoot-em-up; anything that’s not too creepy or atmospheric. So, Madden NFL — okay. Civilization — cool. Max Payne — um, maybe a little too edgy for tonight. And Evil Dead — oh, my word, no. Good gravy, dude. I’m not goin’ there.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll find something to do — if all else fails, I’ll work on my standup routine, or shave the dog, or do NyQuil shooters until I pass out. Really, it’ll work out, one way or another. And tomorrow, my sweetie will be back, and things will be back to normal. All I’ve got to do is get through the next sixteen hours or so without going crazy, or accidentally setting fire to anything important. So wish me luck — assuming I make it, I’ll be back with more tomorrow. And if not… well, that goop under the fridge has been bugging me about guest-posting for weeks now. I’m afraid it’s just gonna wanna talk about Felicity reruns and how funny it thinks Steve Harvey is… but hey, if that’s the only one around to post tomorrow, then you’ll just have to live with it. Let’s hope for all our sakes that it doesn’t come to that. That shit doesn’t help anyone.

Permalink  |  4 Comments

4 Responses to “Flying Solo for a Night”

  1. Princess says:

    Ha Ha…You are really quite funny!

  2. Jeff A says:

    Watch out for giant chicken hearts too!!! THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

  3. Lara says:

    Hey Charlie. I’ve got a lot of experience in this area. My husband is in the military and is gone a LOT. I don’t care to be on my own when it comes to bedtime either, so I turn on my TV in the bedroom and put it on a nice music station (the ones that don’t have videos, only music). I usually pick a nice light classical as its good for sleeping to. It blocks out the noises of the house, and is soothing and lets me sleep too. ~Lara

  4. Joe says:

    Best of luck with that Charlie.

    Since you mentioned Madden though, I have to ask which Madden you have. I currently have Madden 2001 and just got Madden 2004 for Xmas and am debating on whether to open it or exchange it for the new Need for Speed Underground game.

    Your thoughts?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved