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You’ll Take This Crappy Thing, and You’ll Like It

I’m always a bit uncomfortable about those commercials that offer you something that ‘you deserve’. You know the ones:

‘Get the extra money you deserve‘

or

‘Are you getting the essential vitamins and minerals you deserve?‘

or even

‘Thinking about ordering the mail-order bride that you so richly deserve?‘

The question I’m always left with is: how do they know? How exactly do they determine how much cash, or nutritional attention, or which rent-a-wife I warrant? I’m just a bit wary of any method that they’d use to make these sort of value judgements about me.

Of course, I’m a thousand times more worried about what the results would be. You people know me by now — I’m pretty damned sure I’m not gonna be at the top of the ‘deserving’ scale. Somehow I don’t see anyone doing an assessment — jamming a probe in me, or whatever the hell they do — and reading the Deserv-O-Meter and saying,

‘Well, yes… this is a bit odd. I’ve never seen a reading so high. I’ll have my assistants prepare your gold bullion bath, and the blowjobs will commence as soon as you’re ready. All hail our new king!‘

Yeah, that’s just not in my future. Actually, I’m afraid that things would careen in the other direction, and the bastards would say that I have more money than I deserve, and try to collect the shit from me. And dammit, I don’t care if they’ve got the fuckin’ pope in the other room, waiting for all the good shit he deserves — they’re not getting it from me.

(Well, okay, they can try taking the blowjobs I’ve had back. I’m not sure exactly how that would work, and I’m a little curious. I’m just saying.)

Anyway, it probably doesn’t work like that. I bet those advertising bastards are just lying to us. (Yeah, that’d be a friggin’ first, wouldn’t it?) But I think they just tell us that we’ll get what we deserve, and then they just give the same old shit to everybody. They probably don’t even try to figure out what we deserve — how fucked up is that? It’s one size fits all — that’s not cool. How does that work?

‘Get the lawn flamingoes you deserve. You, sir — you’re a school teacher? Great — have a flamingo, only one ninety-nine. How about you, ma’am? Oh, you’re a nurse; well, here’s your flamingo. That’ll be a buck ninety-nine. And you — yeah, you with the chainsaw, slicing off the nurse’s arm, and beating the teacher over the head with it — you wanna flamingo, too? For you, just a dollar ninety-nine. Cheap, cheap, cheap!‘

So, I don’t know. I just steer clear of the whole frigging mess. Anytime someone offers me something I ‘deserve’, I tell them to go fly a kite.

(Well, unless they’re telling me I deserve ‘a knuckle sandwich’, or to be ‘put out of my misery’. Then, I just run. You never know who’s gonna whip out a chainsaw and go postal on your ass.)

I suppose I might be missing out on some good stuff, but it’s just too much bother. Am I worth it, am I not — do I deserve it, or don’t I? Forget it — I’ll just stick with the crap that gets doled out to everyone, regardless of merit. Hey, speaking of which, maybe I’ll go pick up one of those lawn flamingoes I’m always seeing. I hear those things are cheap… and they’ll sell ’em to anyone. Score!