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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

When I Say ‘Made It Big’, I Mean BIG

Well, folks, it seems that I’ve finally made it big.

Yes, that’s right. See, the hits, and comments, and being listed in various directories — all of that is nice, but it’s really no indication that I’m making an impact. A difference. It doesn’t prove that the world has sat up and finally paid attention.

But now — now! — I can see that I’ve arrived. I’ve crossed the threshold into true significance, all of the things that my parents and teachers and various law enforcement officers have said to the contrary be damned. I’ve made it, dammit, and it feels good.

Wanna know how I know? What indicator I was able to use to determine that I’m know one of the glitterati, if only in my own mind? Well, it’s simple, really:

Random douchebags have started trying to peddle pills via comments in my archives.

O, frabjous day! I’ll walk with a bouncier step and a chin held higher from now on, because somewhere, out there, some chowderheaded assmagnet believes that leaving comments on my site might just bring him a few extra orders for those penis pills he’s peddling. I only wish I’d prepared a speech. *sniff*

Now, so far, it’s only one rimjob sprinkling his pharmashiticals in my comments.

(Did that all run together? Sorry about that. Try this: pharma-shit-icals. See, when you sound it out, it just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?)

Anyway, there’s only one wankmonkey at the moment, but more will come. Oh, yes — they most definitely will come. And soon, it’ll be an intolerable nuisance, and I’ll curse the day that each and every one of their mothers lured their milkmen into their kitchens and did the ‘two percent hokey pokey’ on their kitchen tables. But for now, when I can easily delete the offending drivel with a simple click before anyone else see it, it’s actually not so bad. A little flattering, even.

(Now, don’t you wish you could ashcan ‘offending drivel’ at the push of a mouse button? Yeah, not me. This site would be pretty fricking barren if you people had access to the button. Maybe there’s a post or two about my dog that’d slip through, but that’s about it. These pill-pushing peenie-boppers would have no archives left to post in, that’s for damned sure.)

Anyway, finding (and deleting) that cluetard’s comments really made my day, and so I wanted to share it with you. And please, if these diddledicks get bolder and start leaving their slime on more recent posts, don’t click on their links. We don’t want to encourage the motherhumpin’ little bastards, now, do we? And if it gets to be a problem, I’ll implement a blacklist or a filter of some kind, and shut ’em out as best I can.

In the meantime, though, if you should happen upon one of their comments, just smile a little smile for me, and give me a thumbs-up through your monitor. Those crappy ads may be underhanded, and misleading, and annoying as hell, but each time I zap one of the things into electronic oblivion, the air is charged with the sweet, sweet smell of success. Ahhh. Like a mountain spring, it is.

Permalink  |  5 Comments

5 Responses to “When I Say ‘Made It Big’, I Mean BIG”

  1. Andy says:

    I don’t mean to insult your intelligence by suggesting this, but this MT plugin:

    has been very effective at blocking those comments for me.

  2. tj says:

    you lucky bastard.

  3. croila says:

    Ahhhh…!! Thank you! I’ve been looking for some imaginative new insults for my colleague at work. We peddle insults all day, but I got stuck on “spunkmuncher”. So I’m very grateful for “wankmonkey”, “chowderheaded assmagnet”, but “diddledick” has made my day!

  4. Brenda says:

    “pill-pushing peenie-boppers” happens to be my favorite of the day.

    er,,what does it mean when I get those ads in my email? Does it mean I’m a cross dresser or something and don’t know it?

  5. Monkey says:

    mt-blacklist is teh rad. it doesn’t stop em all, but it stops enough.

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