The Spam Giveth

June 26, 2007

I get a lot of spam.

Occasionally, I’ll wander through my spam folder, just to make sure that none of my actually wanted mail has slipped into there. I’d certainly hate to miss something important, like a message letting me know a long lost relative has died and left me a fortune in Burundi, or that those mortgage offers, fake Rolex ads, and email lottery notifications that I signed up for have finally arrived.

Usually, the messages in my bulk folder are just what I’d expect — a melange of eBay spoofs, fake bank notices, dubious software shills, penis puffening pills, and Bavarian goat porn fetish web sites. But lately, I’ve noticed a growing trend in the sea of spammy subject lines. More and more, the filthy spam spewers seem to be trying to sell us antivirus software.

Uh-wha? That doesn’t even begin to remotely think out trying to compute.

“The stuff spammers mostly focus on are the things people are most likely to abandon caution to gain — scads of cash, fabulous merchandise, and genitalia that can press a doorbell button from the far side of the porch.”

Think about it. The stuff spammers mostly focus on are the things people are most likely to abandon caution to gain — scads of cash, fabulous merchandise, and genitalia that can press a doorbell button from the far side of the porch. Most of us know the filthy spam monkeys can’t really offer these things. But their bread and butter is based on blasting enough blather into enough mailboxes to find the few gentle snowflakes who might go for the ruse. Greed can be a powerful motivator.

(And, based on the contents of my spam folder, so can a penis that doubles as a vaulting pole.

Personally, it seems like that would be a mite inconvenient. The wedgies alone from all the ‘tenting’ would be excruciating. Not to mention all the things you’d knock off countertops, and the elevator buttons you’d accidentally press.

Maybe it’s just me. The spam people send an awful lot of those emails out. Must be something to it.)

But antivirus software isn’t like any of that. It’s protection. And protection’s not sexy. You don’t see supermodels on the cover of glamour mags wearing lead aprons and safety goggles. Shin guards and splash shields won’t get you many phone numbers at the bar. And no man has ever told his special lady:

‘No, no, honey — leave the oven mitts and shoulder pads on and come to bed.‘

What’s more, antivirus software is protection against exactly the sorts of people who peddle spam in the first place. It’s the mass-mailing morons who spread most of the viruses, Trojan horses, worms, and other nasty infectious e-critters out there.

So why in the world would anyone trust a spammer to sell them — or even give them — antivirus software? That’s like taking life insurance from Jack Kevorkian. Or a pre-nuptial agreement from Elizabeth Taylor? Or a pack of condoms from Paris Hilton. It’s just not smart, is what I’m saying.

I think I’ve figured out what they’re up to. It’s all an elaborate social Darwinian experiment. I’ll bet the antivirus spam emails are being sent out by rogue scientists, intent on culling the least intelligent users from the internet. They load up the antivirus emails with the nastiest viruses and worms around, so that the people foolish enough to click on them become immediately and hopelessly infected — thus making the internet a better, smarter, and more habitable place for the rest of the world.

That must be it. It just has to be. And I for one applaud their efforts.

At least, I will applaud them. Just as soon as I get rid of all these damned viruses and worms I seem to have suddenly contracted. Can a brother get a Norton suite over here, please? Little help?

Stupid spammers.