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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

One of Us Is Very Confused

Every once in a while, I scan through the subject lines of the emails in my spam folder, rather than just dumping them. Just now, as I was cleaning out the crap that had oozed in today, I saw this:

New Jack Rabbit Vibrator!

Now, setting aside for the moment that I frankly don’t have much use for a vibrator of any kind — unless I can use it to unclog my toilet, maybe, or floss my toes — I have a teensy question for whoever sent me the email: “Don’t you mean ‘jack hammer‘?”

See, maybe it’s just me, but when I think of ‘jack rabbits’ — or even ‘jackrabbits’, as I’d normally put it — I think ‘fast‘. And from what I understand, from anecdotal research and a series of very interesting interviews down in the red light district, blazing speed is not what most people are looking for in a vibrator. When a lady reaches for her wiggly little friend, she’s not typically interested in a ‘quickie‘; any old boozed-up sailor could fill that bill. No, endurance counts in this area. And that’s just not something jackrabbits are known for, as for as I know. Big feet. Floppy ears. And lightning speed. Again, probably not the first characteristics you’d want from the thing you’re thinking of sticking in your hoohah. I’m just saying.

But I can see, I suppose, where ‘jack hammer’ — or ‘jackhammer’, more appropriately — might whet the interest of certain folks in the market for a ‘marital aid’. Frankly, it sounds a bit scary to me — those mothers can break up concrete, fer chrissakes — but that might appeal to some consumers. Hell, some people like to be tied up and whipped, too. How the hell could I predict what’ll lube up someone’s chassis?

Anyway, I didn’t get a chance to actually read the email — I had already hit the ‘Delete’ button when I noticed it, so it spiralled down the drain before I could open it. But I thought I should post this note, to let the author know:

You’ll sell more vibrators by referencing scary heavy machinery than by invoking the image of a small, furry rodent.

Of course, that’s just my opinion. And I’ve sold exactly as many vibrators in my day as Mother Theresa has, so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt. But I’m pretty sure that’s how the world operates. You’ll let me know how you’re doing with that ‘jack rabbit’ thing, though, won’t you?

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2 Responses to “One of Us Is Very Confused”

  1. QC says:

    What alternately cracks me up and annoys the living shit out of me is the term “marital aid.” The implications of it are so prissy…like you should only be taking any kind of pleasure in your sexuality whatsoever if you are married. No ifs, ands or buts. And why is it a “marital AID?” It’s a handy little bugger, no doubt…but I’ve never been quite clear on what exactly it’s supposed to do for your MARRIAGE. I can tell you that of all the thoughts in my head when my marriage ended, one of them was NOT “if only I had used a vibrator more, this would never have happened.”

    Yeah. Not real clear on that. But I do hear that the jackrabbit is some quality merchandise.

  2. Dawn says:

    Yes, I had to Google it after reading your entry and found it for sale here!

    It’s a vibrator/anal probe with what appears to be gumballs in it. Oh, and you should see the similarities between this thing and a jack rabbit! Oh, wait, there are none.

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