Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

Well, the Guy Has Suffered Concussions

So, I’m not really one of those ‘current events’ type of bloggers. It’s all I can do to hold down a job, throw some words down here once in a while, and make sure I’m wearing pants most of the time. There’s no way I could actually keep up with what’s going in in the world, and then form opinions about it, and write all that shit down, too. Where would I get that kind of time?

(And, more to the point, if I had that kind of time, why the hell would I spend it that way, when I could… I don’t know, travel the world, or write a book, or learn the fandango?

Not that I’m a closet fandango fan, you understand. Those are just examples. Move along, now.)

However, every once in a great while, a story catches my attention that I simply can’t ignore, and can’t resist commenting on. And here is one of those stories, which I found late last night buried in the latest NFL goings-on:

Garcia’s Playmate girlfriend acquitted of assault

Now, normally this wouldn’t have caught my eye, except that it was in the NFL section. So I had a look, and entered a whole new world of ridiculousness that I never knew existed. Here’s the story in a nutshell:

Jeff Garcia, quarterback for the Browns last year, used to date this woman, Kristin Hine. (This story has a more or less unflattering photo of Ms. Hine, in case you’re interested.)

Only Jeff dropped her after a few dates for another woman — in this case, Playboy Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare (link only barely safe for work). So, you might say, good for Jeff. And Carmella, I suppose, but bad for Kristin.

Ah, but wait — apparently, Jeff snuck off and slept with Kristin again. And Carmella found out, and one night in August, when the three happened to be at the same club, things got ugly. Drinks were thrown. Karate kicks were landed. And Playmate Carmella ended up in court, though she’s now been acquitted.

Now, this story is interesting — at least to me — for several reasons. First of all, I thought Jeff Garcia was gay. He always seemed a little ‘happy-footed in the pocket’, if you catch my drift. Hell, he even publicly un-outed himself. Or de-outed himself, or something. That is so gay.

(Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. If Jeff’s gay, that’s cool. I always figured that was pretty much his own business.

But with this story… well, damn. Either he’s really, really not gay, or he found the granddaddy of all beards. Playmate of the year? Yipes.)

And apparently, Jeff’s not only not gay, he’s horny like a gorilla, too. Honestly, who hooks up with a playmate of the year, and then cheats on her? Or to turn it around — I don’t want to leave the ladies out of the discussion — if you were dating a Chippendales dancer, would you really sneak off to bump uglies with the cable guy? How is that possible?

Now, I can understand if Camella is perhaps not the sparkling conversationalist that Jeff is looking for. Maybe she can’t hang with him playing Scrabble, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the opposite — maybe she schools him at Trivial Pursuit, and he’s tired of it.

(Although… she was also apparently involved in some sort of pro wrestling diva search thingy, so I’m guessing the light bulb up there isn’t fully watted all the time. I’m just saying.)

Anyway, if Jeffy were to slip off for a nice cup of coffee with an old flame, I could understand. If he got caught buying gifts for other women, or spending vacations with them, or that sort of thing, I think I’d get it… but apparently, he just slipped out for a quick boink. Just slipped out. On the reigning — that’s reigning, you understand; not, like, from 1993 or anything — playmate of the year. To get busy with another woman. Jeff, I’m not following. Walk me through this one, would you?

(Hey, at least it wasn’t another man. And if you’re dating a playmate and still getting some on the side, well — I guess that whole ‘gay’ thing is pretty well dead for sure, eh? So there’s a silver lining in this for Jeff, at least.)

Plus, the girl apparently knows some sort of karate-judo-hi-yaaah kind of thing. Jeff’s a big guy and all — if a little effeminate — but I’m thinking a well-driven high heel to the forehead is gonna stop pretty much anyone dead in their tracks. He’s got to think about these things before he lets his peniscope lead him around.

Anyway, the whole thing struck me as odd. Even the place where it happened fits in — the Tramp nightclub. Well, of course it was.

I dunno. Maybe the whole thing was staged. The wrestling connection makes me a bit suspicious. Maybe it’s an elaborate plot by Garcia to put those gay rumors to rest once and for all. Or to just divert attention away from the fact that he’s not really a terribly good quarterback. And any press for a QB that doesn’t involve the words ‘interception’ or ‘salary cap casualty’ is good press, you know.

I’m just bewildered by it all. I had no idea such things went on in the world. Maybe I should start keeping up on the news, after all.