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Charlie Hatton
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Well, the Guy Has Suffered Concussions

So, I’m not really one of those ‘current events’ type of bloggers. It’s all I can do to hold down a job, throw some words down here once in a while, and make sure I’m wearing pants most of the time. There’s no way I could actually keep up with what’s going in in the world, and then form opinions about it, and write all that shit down, too. Where would I get that kind of time?

(And, more to the point, if I had that kind of time, why the hell would I spend it that way, when I could… I don’t know, travel the world, or write a book, or learn the fandango?

Not that I’m a closet fandango fan, you understand. Those are just examples. Move along, now.)

However, every once in a great while, a story catches my attention that I simply can’t ignore, and can’t resist commenting on. And here is one of those stories, which I found late last night buried in the latest NFL goings-on:

Garcia’s Playmate girlfriend acquitted of assault

Now, normally this wouldn’t have caught my eye, except that it was in the NFL section. So I had a look, and entered a whole new world of ridiculousness that I never knew existed. Here’s the story in a nutshell:

Jeff Garcia, quarterback for the Browns last year, used to date this woman, Kristin Hine. (This story has a more or less unflattering photo of Ms. Hine, in case you’re interested.)

Only Jeff dropped her after a few dates for another woman — in this case, Playboy Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare (link only barely safe for work). So, you might say, good for Jeff. And Carmella, I suppose, but bad for Kristin.

Ah, but wait — apparently, Jeff snuck off and slept with Kristin again. And Carmella found out, and one night in August, when the three happened to be at the same club, things got ugly. Drinks were thrown. Karate kicks were landed. And Playmate Carmella ended up in court, though she’s now been acquitted.

Now, this story is interesting — at least to me — for several reasons. First of all, I thought Jeff Garcia was gay. He always seemed a little ‘happy-footed in the pocket’, if you catch my drift. Hell, he even publicly un-outed himself. Or de-outed himself, or something. That is so gay.

(Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. If Jeff’s gay, that’s cool. I always figured that was pretty much his own business.

But with this story… well, damn. Either he’s really, really not gay, or he found the granddaddy of all beards. Playmate of the year? Yipes.)

And apparently, Jeff’s not only not gay, he’s horny like a gorilla, too. Honestly, who hooks up with a playmate of the year, and then cheats on her? Or to turn it around — I don’t want to leave the ladies out of the discussion — if you were dating a Chippendales dancer, would you really sneak off to bump uglies with the cable guy? How is that possible?

Now, I can understand if Camella is perhaps not the sparkling conversationalist that Jeff is looking for. Maybe she can’t hang with him playing Scrabble, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the opposite — maybe she schools him at Trivial Pursuit, and he’s tired of it.

(Although… she was also apparently involved in some sort of pro wrestling diva search thingy, so I’m guessing the light bulb up there isn’t fully watted all the time. I’m just saying.)

Anyway, if Jeffy were to slip off for a nice cup of coffee with an old flame, I could understand. If he got caught buying gifts for other women, or spending vacations with them, or that sort of thing, I think I’d get it… but apparently, he just slipped out for a quick boink. Just slipped out. On the reigning — that’s reigning, you understand; not, like, from 1993 or anything — playmate of the year. To get busy with another woman. Jeff, I’m not following. Walk me through this one, would you?

(Hey, at least it wasn’t another man. And if you’re dating a playmate and still getting some on the side, well — I guess that whole ‘gay’ thing is pretty well dead for sure, eh? So there’s a silver lining in this for Jeff, at least.)

Plus, the girl apparently knows some sort of karate-judo-hi-yaaah kind of thing. Jeff’s a big guy and all — if a little effeminate — but I’m thinking a well-driven high heel to the forehead is gonna stop pretty much anyone dead in their tracks. He’s got to think about these things before he lets his peniscope lead him around.

Anyway, the whole thing struck me as odd. Even the place where it happened fits in — the Tramp nightclub. Well, of course it was.

I dunno. Maybe the whole thing was staged. The wrestling connection makes me a bit suspicious. Maybe it’s an elaborate plot by Garcia to put those gay rumors to rest once and for all. Or to just divert attention away from the fact that he’s not really a terribly good quarterback. And any press for a QB that doesn’t involve the words ‘interception’ or ‘salary cap casualty’ is good press, you know.

I’m just bewildered by it all. I had no idea such things went on in the world. Maybe I should start keeping up on the news, after all.

Permalink  |  5 Comments

5 Responses to “Well, the Guy Has Suffered Concussions”

  1. Jade says:

    Um. No. Uber stupid. I, as a hot blooded female, could not picture myself shackin’ up with the Playgirl playmate of the year and then cheating on him with the grocery delivery boy. Not gonna happen. First of all, if I had the chance to shack up and bump uglies with the likes of a Playgirl playmate, then I would obviously be good lookin’ enough to at least find a man of the same caliber to cheat with, not that I am a cheatin’ kind of woman mind you, but this is hypothetical right?

    Now, men however, seem to have a hard time with really beautiful women. I dont’ know if it’s a self esteem thing, but you see it all of the time. Look at that handsom Brit Hugh Grant. He had Liz Hurley at home waiting for him, so what the heck was he doing with that street walker??

    I don’t understand it either…

  2. Dick says:

    I can’t speak for Jeff and his periscope. The ways of the little brain are strange indeed.

    I can’t speak for Hugh Grant either but I find his little escapade with Divine (that was the lady’s name I believe) easier to fathom. Sordid was what Hugh wanted and sordid was what he got. Even down to the souvenir mugshot.

    Hugh had everything. Liz, career, a legion of psychophants. Lacking was the element of risk only a sleazy backstreet encounter can satisfy. Hugh needed to recapture that old primitive urge. He needed to feel spontaneous again, to gamble with fate, put it all on the line. And he got away with it. Nobody really cares anyway. The police flashlights, the courthouse, it’s just good old Hugh, latest in a long line of English rakes.

  3. #Debi says:

    OK, I’ve looked at the photos of all three characters in this little made-for-TV drama, and I’m sorry, but I don’t see how ol’ Jeff got either one of these two girls. He definitely has the look of one too many hits, if you know what I mean. As for the Chippendales, a girl’d probably have to bump uglies with the cable guy if she wanted any–from what I hear, those guys are pretty much all gay. Playgirl playmate, different story. If he had any kind of decent personality at all, I don’t see cheatin’ with the plumber…

  4. Lois Lane says:

    I think he might have liked the idea of having sex with someone ‘real’. Who knows what kind of person any of the three are. But just for the sake of tossing stereotypes around, I’d like to think the airbrushed gal isn’t all that he thought she was. If it’s about looks, it’s too bad all we have to go on is a profile of one in court and the other all gussied up for a photo op (with a perfect and nude to top it off).

    Maybe he was just making sure he isn’t gay, getting all he can, like trying to screw the gayness right out of himself.

    Shoot, Charlie I don’t know! I am much happier when you ignore current events :)

    Lois Lane

  5. ManiacalV says:

    I’m from Cleveland – and until recently lived in Westlake. This story had a few days of big press. Carmella, as pointed out to me by my ex while I was looking at slaughtered animals to cook for dinner, shopped at my local Giant Eagle. While incredibly thin (at least at her center mass) and attractive, shopping in sweats and talking on her cell phone, she looked pretty normal. ANY women will look fantastic with a professional stylist and makeup artist working on them. I think we’re missing the point here. A 200 lb. quarterback got his ass kicked by a woman half his size and he told people about it. Admitted it. It just adds to the whole Cleveland sports teams suck thing we’ve had going on for about 326 years.

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