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Well, Sure, Barry — It Could Happen to Anyone

(Hey, I know many of you don’t give a flying flounder fanny about baseball, or anything about it… but I do, so I’m devoting a post to something baseball-related.

Besides, it’s Friday night, and I’ve got nothing else. Chances are nobody’s gonna see this, anyway, if I get another post in front of it tomorrow. But if you’re reading this and don’t care or know anything at all about baseball, then feel free to skip off to another part of the site for a while. I won’t be offended, and you’re only gonna miss one or two lame jokes. Nothing to worry about.

Otherwise, though — read on, soldier. Maybe you’ll find something of interest, or at least kill a few minutes of weekend time. And that’s something, eh?)

So, I’m not the biggest Barry Bonds detractor there is.

Frankly, I probably like the guy more than most baseball fans do. He played in Pittsburgh for a couple of years when I was there and rooting for the Pirates. He’s got an amazing batting eye, and one of the quickest bats in the game. And frankly, his ‘loathe-hate’ relationship with the media bothers me not at all — most of those bastards are fricking ‘sportsparazzi’, aggressive and pushy and asking endless questions, each dumber than the last.

(Sure, there are exceptions. Just like I’m sure there are one or two people working for the National Enquirer who really are looking for ‘the truth’. But the cluetards greatly outweigh the pros in these professions. It’s fricking ridiculous. ‘Enquiring minds’ know they’re mainly a bunch of douchebags. That’s all I’m saying.)

Anyway, I’m no Barry-basher, normally. I’m willing to forgive and forget an awful lot of snarkiness, and unsubstantiated rumors floating around regarding who used what performance-enhancing thing when are just that — rumors.

(Though you’ve got to admit, if you step back and look at it, that an employer worrying about performance-enhancing drugs could only happen in the world of sports.

Really, if I was shooting something into my eyeballs that made me type ten percent faster, or write database queries like a pro, do you think my boss would be trying to make me stop? Nah. He’d help me wrap the tourniquet around my forehead and hold the needle plunger for me. And nobody would care if it shrunk my penis, either. I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t come into play at all.

On the other hand, the more common drugs you see around the workplace — cocaine, booze, weed, and the like — aren’t really performance-enhancing, so much. Well, maybe pot, if it clears your head… but I’m pretty sure that whatever advantage you’d get from the clarity, you’d give it right back by taking a snack break every twelve minutes. That’s all I’m saying.)

Okay, none of this is really the point. The point is, while I’m willing to forgive the Bondster many of his trespasses, this banned substance scandal is finally getting too ri-goddamned-diculous to ignore. Here’s the latest, leaked from Barry’s grand jury BALCO testimony:

Bonds testified that he ‘unknowingly’ used steroids

Oh, Barry. Barry, Barry, Barry. Dude, when the jig is up, the jig is up, man. ‘Fess up, and all will eventually be forgiven. Or maybe it won’t. But there’s no need for… for this. What are we supposed to believe here, Barry, that you’re a drooling fricking moron?

‘Hmmm… I wonder what’s in this tube labeled ‘Steroid Cream‘? Eh, you never know with the way they label these things. I’ll just assume it’s something else.‘

‘Hey, and this syringe lying here next to the steroid solution — I bet that’s just a flu shot. I’d better shoot myself some of that before I get the sniffles.‘

‘What’s that, dude? Do I want to buy some steroids? Well, how about this — just give me some Flintstones vitamins… but could you put them in a jar labeled ‘steroids’? If it’ll save you some trouble, that is.‘

I dunno. Maybe he is that dense. But I doubt it, people. Forrest Gump wasn’t that dense. Rain Man had more common sense. Hell, Anna Nicole Smith would’ve… oh. No. Never mind. She wouldn’t. She’s a fuckin’ doorknob. Never mind that last thing.

Anyway, it looks like the shitski is about to hit the fan with this whole ‘drugs in baseball’ thing. Jason Giambi has admitted to taking human growth hormone, ‘roids and coke and booze recently killed Ken Caminiti, and now Bonds either took them on purpose, or he has the brains of a lobotomized guinea pig and took them ‘accidentally’. This can’t possibly be the last we’re gonna hear about this, and that’s a pretty shitty thing for a baseball fan like me.

And all of this happening in the offseason, when there’s no other baseball news to distract us from this train wreck. Damn. What we need is a nice diversion of some kind, to take the heat off the topic until something can be done about it.

Which begs the question: where’s that John Rocker asshole when you finally need him for once, eh? How about opening your bigassed ignorant mouth again and taking one for the proverbial team, John? A couple weeks’ worth of flogging your redneck ass in the press might be just what we need right now. How ’bout it, Johnny boy?