Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

The Political Reprocess

(It’s sciencin’ time! Secondhand SCIENCEin’ time, that is.

This week, we’re chatting about something big. Really, really big. It’s not as big as space, but it is trying to listen to all of space, so that counts for something. Check out the Very Large Array, and try — just try — not to make a “girthy” joke. [Spoiler alert: I couldn’t. It’s hard!])

I’m not particularly interested in politics. Half an episode of The West Wing every four years, and I’m pretty well set.

But in the days before a big election — which these days, apparently means “fourteen freaking months before” — it’s hard to avoid the coverage. Snippy tweets. Unfortunate ad libs. Feuds to rival those between rappers who live on opposite coasts.

It’s exhausting. It’s like watching Big Brother, without the possibility that Carly Fiorina and Marco Rubio are going to sneak off for seven minutes of heaven in a cameraless closet.

That’s not a possibility, right? For the love of god, please tell me it’s not.

Anyway, nothing I’ve seen these yapjaws do lately has made me any more interested in whatever it is they’re saying. Not the debates. Not the talk show sit-downs. Not the stump speech pander-fests analyzed to death on the news networks. It’s all words. The same old words. And mostly, they all sound — and basically, look — alike.

“If I wanted to watch a bunch of mostly-old, mostly-white mostly-men bitch about each others’ opinions, I’d hang out in the locker room at the YMCA.”

The relative sameness of appearance doesn’t help, either. If I wanted to watch a bunch of mostly-old, mostly-white mostly-men bitch about each others’ opinions, I’d hang out in the locker room at the YMCA. Or a family reunion. It’s basically Team Clintonians vs. The Bushish Boys. Same as it nearly-ever was.

But I’ve been thinking about this problem. How can a candidate set him- or herself apart? How can they make themselves look different from the others? And how can they make the rest of us care any tiny little bit about them? I have a few ideas:

Dancing with the Shills

Every candidate wants TV time, so why not sign up for that dancing show people seem to like? The old people can do the Waltz or the Minuet or other dances from their 18th century childhoods, and then their campaign managers can talk to the camera about how their candidate broke his or her hip the least when they fell.

Special Highlight: Bernie Sanders rocking the Charleston. Bernie-3 skidoo!

Political Poetry Slam

Any suited-up jackhole can give the usual talking points in a campaign speech. Family values, safety nets, something-something taxes, blah blah. Why not spice things up by converting that fluff into angry poems, and reciting them in the basement of some neighborhood shithole bar? You might not reach many people at once, but your street cred would be through the roof. The crumbling, moldy coffeehouse roof.

Special Highlight: Mike Huckabee awkwardly and repeatedly rhyming “Roe vs. Wade” with “end of days”.

Enter the Octagenarian Octagon

I’m just saying: the UFC is very popular these days. Candidates want to reach the people. If a couple of the older ones dressed up in their best athletic trusses and hopped into the ring to wrassle each other, their poll numbers would shoot up faster than their pacemakered heartrates. And they could debate all they like at the weigh-ins. It’s win-win.

Special Highlight: Chris Christie decked out in a referee uniform to rival his softball togs. Ronda Rousey, he ain’t.

Candidate Can Cook

Everybody loves cooking shows. I can’t even make Kool-Aid and I watch, like, nine of the things myself. Any candidate who could boil water and put together any recipe that didn’t include caviar or duck pate would have a huge delicious leg up with millions of viewer-voters. And it’s not like it’s hard. If Guy Fieri can do it, a soggy sweatsock could handle the job.

Special Highlight: Lindsey Graham Cracker Pie Crust. “It’s plenty sweet, but it’s gonna crumble right in your hands.”

The American Stream

What do the kids watch these days? Debates? Round-the-clock news channels? Post-Stewart Daily Show bits? Hardly. All the hot shows are streamed on YouTube and Twitch and Insta-something-I-don’t-know-because-I’m-an-old. That’s where the action is. Some candidate ought to get into, I don’t know, Call of Duty streaming and spew their political stuff between the gibs.

Special Highlight: Lincoln Chafee apologizing personally to every 14-year-old CoD scrub he manages to kill.

Talladega Talkin’ Points

Let’s face it: NASCAR is king. I don’t personally get what all the turning left is about, but people sure as hell dig it. Surely one of these wordbags can drive a stick, and could get out there on the track and become a personal hero to millions of fans. They wouldn’t be any good, but they’d be out there and that’s all that matters. They could even put stickers for all of their SuperPAC donors on their cars. Whoo-ee.

Special Highlight: Donald Trump winning a race in his solid-gold toupeed Chevy, because he paid off all the other drivers to idle in low gear behind him.

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved