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‘Tis the (Safety) Season

At work today, I received an email from our office manager entitled:

‘HOLIDAY DECORATION SAFETY‘

I didn’t actually read the email, of course. That would be far too close to actual work for my tastes. I simply deleted it and went back to my usual routine of quietly sobbing at my desk, wondering where I went so horribly wrong.

When I’d finished that, I considered the subject of the email. And thought to myself, ‘How complicated could holiday decoration safety really be, anyway?‘

So for those of you who may not have received such an email this year — or who trashed it unread, as I did — here’s a set of helpful tips from me to you on how to practice holiday decoration safety. Consider it my yuletide public service announcement.

– When hanging a string of lights, sticking your tongue into the socket is not the recommended way to test a bulb.

– Bowling balls make lousy Christmas tree ornaments. Ditto for firecrackers.

– Garlands may be coiled neatly for storage while not in use. Wrapping them around your neck is not the same thing.

– A rooftop Santa Claus that yells, ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!‘ every ten minutes is not a decoration. It’s an open invitation for your neighbors to punch you in the face.

– During Hanukkah, you light the menorah and spin the dreidel. Please to not be confusing the two.

– If you’re hanging a wreath, you should probably stop goofing around and take your head out of it first.

“Candy canes cannot be used as actual canes. Give Grandpa back his walker.”

– Hanging mistletoe in your foyer is acceptable. Hanging mistletoe in the foyer of Sister Beverly’s Home for Wayward Girls is frowned upon. Severely.

– Should you run out of wrapping paper, aluminum foil is not a suitable substitute. Unless you’re wrapping gifts that you wish to stay toasty, roasty warm. Like a kitten, for instance.

– Candy canes cannot be used as actual canes. Give Grandpa back his walker.

– After use, Christmas trees may be chipped, recycled, or (in some areas) left for curbside pickup. They may not be stuffed into a Goodwill box as ‘a head start for next year’.

– You can wear the stocking, or you can hang it over the fireplace. You cannot do both.

– A ladder can assist you in hanging the star or angel on top of your tree. A three year old on a sugar cookie high, sadly, cannot.

– Should you decide to dress up as Santa Claus, please keep in mind that ‘shook like a bowlful of jelly’ is merely a simile. Three pounds of Smuckers down your pants isn’t going to help anyone’s Christmas spirit.

– When building a snowman, a carrot is to be used for the nose only. You don’t want to have to explain yourself to the local cops. Again.

– Holly berries are only ‘just like adorable little cranberries!‘ until you eat them. When they become more like adorable little time-release balls filled with napalm and ipecac.

– Eggnog is not a ‘stocking stuffer’. And neither is any other sort of ‘nog’.