Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

‘Tis the (Safety) Season

At work today, I received an email from our office manager entitled:


I didn’t actually read the email, of course. That would be far too close to actual work for my tastes. I simply deleted it and went back to my usual routine of quietly sobbing at my desk, wondering where I went so horribly wrong.

When I’d finished that, I considered the subject of the email. And thought to myself, ‘How complicated could holiday decoration safety really be, anyway?

So for those of you who may not have received such an email this year — or who trashed it unread, as I did — here’s a set of helpful tips from me to you on how to practice holiday decoration safety. Consider it my yuletide public service announcement.

– When hanging a string of lights, sticking your tongue into the socket is not the recommended way to test a bulb.

– Bowling balls make lousy Christmas tree ornaments. Ditto for firecrackers.

– Garlands may be coiled neatly for storage while not in use. Wrapping them around your neck is not the same thing.

– A rooftop Santa Claus that yells, ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!‘ every ten minutes is not a decoration. It’s an open invitation for your neighbors to punch you in the face.

– During Hanukkah, you light the menorah and spin the dreidel. Please to not be confusing the two.

– If you’re hanging a wreath, you should probably stop goofing around and take your head out of it first.

“Candy canes cannot be used as actual canes. Give Grandpa back his walker.”

– Hanging mistletoe in your foyer is acceptable. Hanging mistletoe in the foyer of Sister Beverly’s Home for Wayward Girls is frowned upon. Severely.

– Should you run out of wrapping paper, aluminum foil is not a suitable substitute. Unless you’re wrapping gifts that you wish to stay toasty, roasty warm. Like a kitten, for instance.

– Candy canes cannot be used as actual canes. Give Grandpa back his walker.

– After use, Christmas trees may be chipped, recycled, or (in some areas) left for curbside pickup. They may not be stuffed into a Goodwill box as ‘a head start for next year’.

– You can wear the stocking, or you can hang it over the fireplace. You cannot do both.

– A ladder can assist you in hanging the star or angel on top of your tree. A three year old on a sugar cookie high, sadly, cannot.

– Should you decide to dress up as Santa Claus, please keep in mind that ‘shook like a bowlful of jelly’ is merely a simile. Three pounds of Smuckers down your pants isn’t going to help anyone’s Christmas spirit.

– When building a snowman, a carrot is to be used for the nose only. You don’t want to have to explain yourself to the local cops. Again.

– Holly berries are only ‘just like adorable little cranberries!‘ until you eat them. When they become more like adorable little time-release balls filled with napalm and ipecac.

– Eggnog is not a ‘stocking stuffer’. And neither is any other sort of ‘nog’.

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “‘Tis the (Safety) Season”

  1. timethief says:

    This is a hilarious post. I’m so glad I found your blog. I’m making it a BC favorite because I can use all the laughter I can get.

  2. Cheesy says:

    OMG!! I spit coffee @ kitten! Brat…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Mint Installation

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved