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So… Can I Have a Raise, Then?

Well, I’m just not waiting any longer.

For a while, I thought I’d play it cool. I’d give McSweeney’s the chance to reject my latest list submission (entitled, for the record, Winnie the Pooh Catchphrases Considered by A.A. Milne Before He Settled on ‘Oh Bother!’ ) before burdening you nice folks with lesser listage.

But they’re taking too long. And here, on the very cusp of the weekend, I’ve got nothing else cued up. So, lists it is. Or ‘are’. Whatever. Just have a look, and — if you haven’t already — see these and more on Charlie’s Big List of Lists. Happy weekend, people.

Selected Excerpts from Employee Evaluations I Have Received

‘Obviously exaggerated skill set on resume.’

‘Better suited to a part-time role.’

‘Often tardy.’

‘Doesn’t work well with others; known to snap.’

‘Needs simple tasks explained multiple times.’

‘Not easily motivated; could be more of a self-starter.’

‘Reprimanded several times for inappropriate pinching.’

‘Caught blogging during business hours.’

‘Often found sleeping on the job.’

‘Prone to slipping out early for a beer.’

‘Suggestion: demote to custodial position?’

‘Surprisingly thorough.’

Selected Excerpts From Comments My Wife Has Made After Sex

‘Obviously exaggerated skill set on resume.’

‘Better suited to a part-time role.’

‘NEVER tardy.’

‘Doesn’t work well with others; known to bite.’

‘Needs simple tasks explained multiple times.’

‘Too easily motivated; could be less of a self-finisher.’

‘Reprimanded several times for inappropriate pinching.’

‘Caught blogging during ‘business‘ hours.’

‘Often found sleeping immediately after the job.’

‘Prone to slipping out early for a beer.’

‘Suggestion: demote to custodial position?’

‘Surprisingly thorough.’