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Safety First!

The first thing my mother said when I told her I was leaving for vacation was, ‘Be careful!‘ Mom’s always been a cautious lass; she’d make former U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop proud with her finger-waggling health warnings.

Still, she means well — and so, in her honor, I present a trio of health-related lists that old C. Everett apparently never got around to. You’ll also find these hiding out on Charlie’s Big List of Lists. Just don’t trip on anything on your way over to see. And put on a sweater; it’s cold outside. And– hey! Get that thing out of your mouth; you don’t know where it’s been!

Man, I’m starting to see where mom gets it now. Sheesh.

Products That May Cause Dangerous Longer-Than-Four-Hour Erections

Viagra

Cialis

A Ferrari Testarossa

Eva Longoria

Chili cheese fries

A Three Stooges marathon

Anything with a Hemi

A three-pointer at the buzzer to win

Eva Longoria, again

Las Vegas

More Realistic Exercise Alternatives to Thirty Minutes of Jogging for the Average American

Sixty minutes of vigorously kissing boss ass

Ninety minutes of swearing at commuter traffic

Three hours of ‘beer pong’

Four hours of playoff Madden on XBox

Six hours of complaining about the weather

Nine hours of sweating over a PowerPoint presentation

Fourteen hours of watching ‘Seinfeld‘ reruns

A lifetime of quiet flabby desperation

Foods With Less Nutritional Value Than the Chicken McNugget

Twinkies

Gummi worms

Chee-tos

Sandpaper

Rock salt

Packing peanuts

The KrustyBurger Rib-Wich

Rat poison