Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

Oysters, Oysters Everywhere!

Oh, it’s you again. Well, try to control yourself this time, will you?

Okay, kiddies, here we go. As promised, it’s Oyster Day! All hail Oyster Day! Hope you’re hungry, ’cause you’ve got a lot to get through. So go slip on your ‘fat pants’, unbotton ’em at the top, and sharpen up your shuckers (Why yes, that is a dirty sexual euphemism; thank you for asking!) — we’re goin’ in!

“That and a pocketknife will get you a blowjob.”

Twenty-two ‘oysters’ in all, lovingly prepared and offered up as an open-web response / addendum to the Festival of Clams (or something) featured at Am I Blog Enough for You?. My oysters are similar to clams; some are old saws, while others are reasonably unique. The important thing is to use these phrases in unexpected, and wholly inappropriate ways, usually for the purpose of annoying others. What could be more fun (and filling) than that? So dig in, folks — fill your plate and come back for more. It’s an All-You-Can-Stand Oyster Buffet! Just do try not to fill up on hush puppies, hmmm?

(Hee — I got through the whole intro without calling these ‘pearls of wisdom’ — go, me! It’s my birthday — go me, it’s my birthday. Hey-hey, ho-ho…)

1. “Stop. I’m gonna pee.”

Usage:

a. Used when someone else is trying to be funny, whether they’re succeeding or not.

b. Delivered in a flat, slow deadpan voice for maximum drippy sarcasm.

Example:

1. Person A: “Take my wife. Please! Get it? Please!”

Person B: “Stop. I’m gonna pee. No. Really.”

2. “That and X will get you Y.”

Usage:

a. X and Y are any nouns; for my money, the more unrelated, the better.

b. (Variation of ‘That and a quarter (or dollar) will get you a cup of coffee.”)

Example:

1. Person A: “Hey, I got an email!”

Person B: “That and a pocketknife will get you a blowjob.”

3. “Just like an X.”

Usage:

a. X is any noun referring to a collection of things; “man” or “woman” are preferred.

b. Spoken with great disdain for the subject, no matter the context.

Example:

1. Person A: “My dad’s having a retirement party tomorrow.”

Person B: “Tsk. Just like a man.”

2. Person A: “Look, the sun’s going down.”

Person B: “Humph. Just like a yellow dwarf.”

4. “Well, do what you’re best at.”

Usage:

a. Suitable for most 1st person, declarative statements.

b. Best used when speaker is admitting some sort of error or deficiency.

Example:

1. Person A: “Yuck. I just spilled coffee all over myself.”

Person B: “Well, do what you’re best at.”

5. “As the (ancient) Xs say, …”

Usage:

a. Useful to spice up the most common of sayings.

b. Also useful to misdirect attention from something truly odd or unique.

Example:

1. “As the Lithuanians say, ‘It takes one to know one’.”

2. As the ancient Mesopotamians used to say, ‘My hovercraft is full of eels’.”

6. “Nobody likes you much, do they?”

Usage:

a. Helpful for belittling someone prone to bragging or overt happiness.

b. Usually delivered with a disdainful look, maybe with hands on hips for emphasis.

Example:

1. Person A: “Hey, I got into State U after all!”

Person B: Nobody likes you much, do they?

7. “We, paleface?”

Usage:

a. Suitable for most sentences that begin with “We have to…”

b. Especially humorous when used on spouses.

c. Can also work with ’roundeye?’, ‘whitey?’, etc.

Example:

1. Wife: “We have to take out the garbage tonight.”

Husband: “We, paleface?”

8. “Soon you’ll be in a better place.”

Usage:

a. Suitable to combat / deflect any sort of personal complaint or bitching.

Example:

1. Person A: “Oh, no; I broke a nail.”

Person B: “There, there. Soon you’ll be in a better place.”

9. “When in X, do as the Ys.”

Usage:

a. X and Y are places; again, the more unrelated, the better.

b. (Variation of ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans.”)

c. Usually works best when Y is particularly lengthy.

Example:

1. Person A: “Look, this is a topless beach! Should we go?”

Person B: “Hey, when in the France, do as the Great Barrier Reefers, right?”

10. “When life hands you X, make X ade.”

Usage:

a. X is any noun, with the exception of “lemon”.

b. (Variation of “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”)

c. Also useful: “When life hands you X… wash your damn hands!”

Example:

1. “When life hands you shit, make shit ade.”

2. “When life hands you oozing scabs, make oozing scab ade.”

11. “I’ll bet you do/are/can/would, you little vixen.”

Usage:

a. Used to highlight statements with possible innuendo.

b. Best delivered with a raised eyebrow and suggestive leer.

c. Subject of sentence can be changed from “you” if appropriate.

Example:

1. Person A: “I’m could really go for a Popsicle.”

Person B: “I’ll bet you could, you little vixen.”

2. Person A: “Pork chops are my favorite food.”

Person B: “I’ll just bet they are, you little vixen.”

12. “X monkeys!”

Usage:

a. Results in interjection.

b. Generally preferred that X=bitch, though dick, shit, etc. are acceptable

Example:

1. Yelled after being cut off while driving: “Bitch monkeys!”

2. Muttered after dropping a box: “Aw, fuck monkeys.”

13. “You know, there are places for people like you.”

Usage:

a. Can be used in response to most declarative statements.

b. Usually delivered with a disdainful look, maybe with hands on hips for emphasis.

Example:

1. Person A: “I was reading in the New York Times yesterday…”

Person B: “You know, there are places for people like you.”

14. “And how’s that working out for you?”

Usage:

a. Used in response to declarative statements about personal qualities.

b. Shorter, edgier alternative: “I’m sorry.”

c. Also, “Well, it takes all kinds.”

Example:

1. Person A: “Nice to meet you. I’m Canadian.”

Person B: I see. And how’s that working out for you?”

15. “Well, it’s about damned time!”

Usage:

a. Used in response to declarative statements regarding intentions.

b. Usually delivered with a disdainful look, maybe with hands on hips for emphasis.

Example:

1. Person A: “I’m gonna go get some coffee.”

Person B: “Well, it’s about damned time!”

16. “I have no recollection of that conversation, Senator.”

Usage:

a. Used to be non-cooperative when asked to confirm an event.

b. You may replace ‘that conversation’ with ‘the incident in question’, etc.

Example:

1. Person A: “Hey, remember when we took that trip to Vegas?”

Person B: “I have no recollection of the incident in question, Senator”

2. Person A: “Joe, do you have that five bucks I loaned you?”

Person B: “I have no recollection of any such transaction, Senator.”

17. “Well, if I could do that, I’d never leave the house.”

Usage:

a. Used in response to most any question.

b. Possible sexual innuendo in the question is helpful, but not necessary.

c. When replying to significant other, can use ‘then I wouldn’t need you’ after comma instead.

Example:

1. Person A: “Do you want to go grab some hot dogs?”

Person B: “Well, if I could do that, I’d never leave the house.”

2. Person A: “Honey, would you like to carve the turkey?”

Person B: “Well, if I could do that, I wouldn’t need you, would I?”

18. “I’m sorry. We have to take the contestant’s first answer.”

Usage:

a. Used to taunt someone unable to make up their damned mind.

Example:

1. Person A: “Hey, wanna loan me twenty bucks?”

Person B: [not paying attention] “Hmm? Sure. Wait, what? No, no way, dude.”

Person A: “I’m sorry, we have to take the contestant’s first answer.”

19. “It’s with all of the other ones.”

Usage:

a. Useful for derailing conversations that one is not part of

b. Avoid eye contact while delivering this line

c. Suitable for sentences that begin with “Where is…”

d. In extreme circumstances, one can use “It’s up in ya.”

Example:

1. Person A: “Where is the forecast report you promised me?”

Person B: [not turning around] “It’s with all of the other ones.”

2. Person A: “Where’s Main Street on this map?”

Person B: [not looking at the map] “It’s over there with all of the other ones.”

3. Person A: “Honey, where are my sunglasses?”

Person B: They’re up in ya.

20. “We don’t do that sort of thing around here.”

Usage:

a. Can be used in response to most declarative statements.

b. Can also be used to avoid answering direct questions.

c. Usually delivered with a disdainful look, maybe with hands on hips for emphasis.

Example:

1. Person A: “I’m going to the ballet tonight.”

Person B: “We don’t do that sort of thing around here.”

2. Person A: “Wanna go to the cafeteria for some lunch?”

Person B: “We don’t do that sort of thing around here.”

21. “Grandma did that, and we put her in a home.”

Usage:

a. Can be used in response to most declarative statements.

b. The longer ‘Grandma started doing that, and we had to put her in a home’ is also useful.

c. Usually delivered with a sad, knowing nod.

Example:

1. Person A: “I went to see that new Bruce Willis movie last night.”

Person B: “Yeah. Grandma started doing that, and we put her in a home.”

22. “From Hell’s X, I Y at thee!”

Usage:

a. X is any part of the anatomy; Y is any verb.

b. (Variation of “From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee!”)

Example:

1. “From Hell’s liver, I drink beer at thee!”

2. “From Hell’s pancreas, I waggle my finger at thee!”

And there we go! Oysters all ’round! Enjoy them with some garlic butter and a nice, cold brewski. Oh, before I forget, in maintaining the format of the original clam post, I owe you three (count ’em, 1, 2, 3) more gems that you can try at home. Amaze your friends, be the life of the party, etc. So here are three (En Espanol, por favor — uno, dos, tres. Gracias.) bonus oysters. Or as the Sumerian plainsmen call them: dessert.

1. Mock concern. This is always very annoying for the subject of “concern”. Should be delivered with a grave face, maybe with hand on the poor bastard’s shoulder as you console him/her about breaking a nail, or missing a train, etc.

Example: “You’ve been hurt before, you poor dear. I can see that.”

2. Over-explaining an old proverb or common saying. Again, extremely annoying for everyone but the speaker. Should be delivered pedantically, over-the-top, as though talking to a mentally deficient two-year-old.

Example: “You gotta put the biscuit. In the basket. In it. In.”

3. Horror out of context or proportion. This is a good way to console yourself when you break a nail, or miss a train, etc., and there’s no one around to mock you (see #1 above).

Example: “Oh, fingernail! Why hast thou forsaken me?”

So that’s it. I hope you’ve enjoyed this cornucopia of fruits de mer. I know I have. And now you know all that I know. (And hopefully much, much more. For your sakes, I pray that’s true.) So go forth, spread the word… and the ‘bitch monkeys’, and the ‘paleface’s, and the ‘little vixen’s. You have an important responsibility; you now have the power to annoy and cajole. Use it wisely. Life has just handed you oysters, my friends, and clams as well. I think you know what to do.

CRAP (see this post for the CRAP 411):

I almost forgot one of my very most favorite annoying phrases. See #11 for usage, as this can be used in exactly the same sorts of situations:

“I bet you say that to all the guys/girls.”

Example:

1. Person A: “Hey, you want some of my pork chop?”

Person B: “Aw, I bet you say that to all the guys.”

Oh, also, I meant to mention that if you’re trying out #16, it’s best to try to sound like Ted Kennedy, or — more recently, Bill Clinton. If you can, of course. It’s not required, but the association will get you that extra little rib-tickle.