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Driven to Jeers

Hey, it’s been a while since we made a list.

Why don’t we make a list?

You wanna make a list?

“I will run you over, and then I will eat you!”

Okay, okay — we’ll make a list.

Sheesh. So demanding.

Anyway, here’s the latest list, courtesy of my maddening morning commute through a sea of jackasses who think the road is their personal private walkway:

Things I’ve Yelled at Pedestrians From My Car That Could, In a Court of Law, Conceivably Be Considered ‘Road Rage’

“Lady, that ass isn’t nearly hot enough to keep me from smacking you with a Honda.”

“Next time, mister? Legless. LEGLESS!!”

“Your crossing guard can’t help you now, Junior!”

“I will run you over, and then I will eat you!”

“Hey, humpstain — my ‘right of way’ trumps your ‘right to life’, you dig?”

“Move that walker, grandpa, or you’ll be trading it for a wheelchair!”

“I bet that sweater would look even better crumpled up on my front bumper.”

“You’d better have a Buick in those pants, buddy, or this is gonna hurt.”

“Nice legs, sweetheart. Now USE THEM!!”

“Metal box go fast! Box hit you — very bad! Me winner! You? Douchebag!”