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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Why the Bugs Gotta Be Buggin’?

Oh good gravy, this is annoying.

I went to a party yesterday — one of those all-day weekend dealies. It was all outside — there was food, and beer, even a volleyball net. Quite spiffy.

But just around dusk, the mosquitoes came calling. Got thirsty, I suppose, and decided to stop by for a drink. Bloodsucking little fuckers.

Now, I’ll have you know — I fought the good fight. I smeared a dozen or more of those bastards on my arms and legs. They’ll not be sticking their proboscises into anyone ever again.

But they had friends. Many, many friends. Thirsty friends. Sucky friends. Rat bastard itchy blood-pumping vein-poking friends. And they kicked my ass all night. I should have just gotten it over with and given blood at the hospital. Those little flying leeches took way more than a pint before it was all over with. And I hope the little bastards choked on it.

I’m serious, dammit. I can’t remember ever having this many mosquito bites at the same time. I started counting this morning, while I was scratching the damned things. I have nine — nine! — on one elbow. Not the whole arm. Not on both elbows. I’m talking about nine fucking itchy little bumps on two sqaure inches or so of skin on my right arm. Bitches!

(This is all just another reason — one of many, many reasons, mind you — why I could never be a nudist. There are simply some places where you should never have to apply calamine lotion.

Baby lotion, perhaps. Canola oil, sure. Hot fudge — maybe on special occasions or birthdays. But not calamine. The bumps, the itch, the hot pink color… yeek. That’s the kind of shit they show you in high school sex ed classes. No, thanks.)

So, anyway, I’m miserable. That’s what I’m saying. My legs itch, my arms itch, and yes, that right elbow is driving me fricking crazy. Damn thing looks like a mogul ski run. This sucks ass. I may never go outside again. Bah.

Permalink  |  7 Comments

7 Responses to “Why the Bugs Gotta Be Buggin’?”

  1. susan says:

    i feel your pain :(

    i absolutely hate mosquitos but they love me. the noise they make is bad enough but the great white itchy blobs they leave are my vision of hell.

    a friend of mine swears that they only attack the most attractive people in the room. i had to agree with her as they attacked me and not her :)

  2. hilary says:

    when they get into my car, i don’t let them out. instead, i squish them on the windshield and leave them there as a warning to the other mosquitos.

    i think it’s working. :D

  3. I’ve never had an std but I’ve had a mosquito bite my pee pee. It’s got to be the same thing as far as discomfort goes.

  4. sherry says:

    Sorry I had to laugh at your expense. Hahaha

    I live in SE Texas so I know all to well the skeeter delima. I have a suggestion for the itching but you’re gonna laugh at me.

    Preparation H has been clinically proven to be effective against the pain, irritation and itching of roids, so why not skeeter bites?

    Stop laughing and just try it and you might be surprised at the results. It works great on ant bites as well.

  5. Dawn says:

    They are attracted to certain people’s scents more than others – you must have the same mosquito-aphrodisiac scent as me. My husband and I could be out at dusk and I’ll get covered in bites and he won’t even get one. Bastard.

  6. Lisa says:

    One of the many reasons I love Las Vegas livin’… no mosquitoes, almost no flies. Swim at night with the pool light on and it isn’t a dinner bell to those blood suckers. Ahhh.

  7. BytchInNY says:

    You should try using Skin So Soft oil prior to going outside in a mosquito infested area. I’ve used it a few times and it seems to work.

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