The Talented Mr. Charlie

July 16, 2006

Today, I found that I have a very special skill. I can put my pants on with one hand.

Now, never mind why I only had one hand available this morning when it came time to pants up for the day. I’m sure you can think of a reason far more tawdry and scandalous than the truth, so just go with whichever scary mental image you prefer.

(And come to think of it, could it be that much worse than the truth? No matter the details, walking around pantsless with one hand full is ‘tawdry’, to some degree. It probably wouldn’t help to explain that what I was holding was a big fistful of pocket change, either.

We just hit ‘scandalous’, didn’t we? Dammit.)

“Could I lace my shoes with only one hand, too? Or put on deodorant blindfolded? Pull on a pair of socks with my teeth?”

Anyway, looking back on the life I’ve led so far, I’m amazed this talent hasn’t surfaced sooner. Not because I’m sans pants more often than the average bear; it’s more surprising that I haven’t lost a hand by now in some unfortunate accident. It’s probably a good thing I opted out of shop class in high school.

I’m not afraid to say it, either — I put those pants on like a one-handed champ. The technique was impeccable. I stepped into the leg-holes, held my balance — barely — and shimmied the shorts up one side at a time. The button was a challenge, but the zipper and belt fell into place with ease. It was like I’d been dressing all my life with one hand tied behind my back. Why did I never try this before?

Now I’m wondering what other similar talents I might have, sitting dormant until I test them. Could I lace my shoes with only one hand, too? Or put on deodorant blindfolded? Pull on a pair of socks with my teeth? Needless to say, I’ll be finding out soon.

It might seen a bit silly, but remember — I’m a homeowner now. There are all sorts of ways for a klutz like me to lose a limb or three working around the house. Unclogging a drain — there go a couple of fingers. Lighting up the grill — bye bye, feet. Loading towels into the dryer — I could lose an eye if I’m not careful. I need to find out what the quality of life’s going to be like when the inevitable finally happens. I just hope I’m as good with the TiVo remote as I am with my pants.