Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Talking with the Tax Man

* Scheduled to coincide with the first full day of Spring Training, please see Bugs & Cranks for the latest on the Atlanta squad:

Anatomy of a Brave: A head-to-toe look at the Braves’ chances for success in the new season.

And now, back to your regularly-scheduled content. Cheers.

Tomorrow, my wife and I are having our taxes done. By a ‘professional’. Because having your taxes done by a ‘hobbyist’ is a damned fool idea. This isn’t like rock tumbling or stamp collecting or open-heart surgery — something could actually go wrong. That’s why we’re involving a pro.

It feels a little strange to be thinking of taxes so early. When we’ve handled our taxes ourselves, we’ve never started working on them in the middle of February. Or late February. Or March, or typically until April 14th at nine in the evening when my wife looks over and asks, ‘Hey… what day is this?

“This isn’t like rock tumbling or stamp collecting or open-heart surgery — something could actually go wrong.”

Thus begins a three-hour tour of our financial records, pay stubs, credit card receipts, and various bits of paper with cryptic things like ‘J14Q9B – $700’ written on them.

(What could it mean? Is it a savings account number? A winning lottery ticket code? The license plate of a car we smooshed, and the cost of the repairs? It’s a mystery.)

We keep all of these records in the same standard, secure place everyone keeps them — in a shoebox in the far corner of our least favorite room. The box collects dust for three hundred and sixty-four days a year, until our mad dash with the calculator to make the numbers on the bits of paper add up. Or to look reasonable. Or at the very least, to not suggest that we owe back taxes equal to the gross national product of Venezuela.

It’s all different this year. Our mad dash — ‘Oh shit, honey, the appointment’s in the morning!‘ — happened tonight, almost two full months before taxes are due. And now we’ll have an experienced set of eyeballs poring over our shoebox filing system. He likely won’t know what the bits of paper mean, either — but at least we’ll have an expert opinion about whether they’re likely to cause the feds to come storming after us. If that’s the case, maybe we’ll move to Venezuela. I hear extradition from South America is a real bitch.

So, we’re taking the shoebox to the tax man. By the end of the session, we’ll owe whatever small fortune the IRS wants… and another little ransom for having the tax return prepared. I’m pretty sure we have to bring our own envelopes. And stamp licking is an extra fee, apparently.

But at least if we get audited, maybe we can send the tax man to Venezuela. I hope he needs a tan.

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “Talking with the Tax Man”

  1. Lori says:

    I have a nice alternative for you. Sell the house, lose the wife, and do everything all yourself. Then you need only Turbo-Tax. It really makes it all worth it. Sigh.

    Bitter, party of One, your table is ready.

  2. Kerry says:

    our taxes are done, refund received and all of it pretty much spent.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved