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Not the ‘Warm Fuzzies’ I Had in Mind

Okay, I have a question.

Not an important question, true — but a serious question, nonetheless. It involves my showers, somewhat indirectly. And my ass — much less indirectly, as it happens.

(Yeah, yeah, go ahead — run away screaming. That’s fine — get it out of your system. I’ll be here when you get back, and you’ll still have to read what comes next. ‘Cause I know you’ll come back. They always come back.)

Okay, here’s the thing. Sometimes in the shower, as I’m washing, I notice these little blue fuzzy things on my washcloth. I’m pretty sure they come from my jeans, somehow. And I’m fairly certain that they show up after I’ve wiped down my backside. I don’t know exactly where back there they come from, mind you — maybe on the periphery, or maybe right on the edge of Old Brown Canyon; I couldn’t say for sure, without a more flexible neck and a series of mirrors.

(Or a shower buddy. A very understanding — or a very drunk shower buddy. And really, if I had one of those, would I really still care what sort of fuzz happens to be on my ass? I’m gonna say, ‘no’.)

Anyway, here’s what I don’t get: assuming that I’m right on both counts — the fuzz starts out on my jeans, and ends up on my ass — then how, for the love of Levi Strauss, does it get there?

Because there is zero contact between the two, as far as I know. I’m not running around commando-style, sans undies, with my jeans and ass spending the day rubbing up against each other like a couple of dry-humping teenie boppers. I always put on underwear before jeans, for two very good reasons: first, if I don’t wear undies at all, there’s all that icky ‘beans ‘n’ franks‘ paranoia to deal with.

(And thank you, Something About Mary. Bastards.)

And second, if I put the underpants on after the overpants, then I get snickered at by the people at work. Even more than usual, which I didn’t think was possible. But oh yes, it is — some peoples’ snickering knows no bounds, apparently.

Anyway, back to the point — I still don’t see how those little fuzzies manage to migrate from pants to ass. It’s not like my boxers have that little ass-flap that you used to see on the old pajamas.

(Well, except for that day when I accidentally wore them backwards. Which I might not have noticed, except I had to pee while I was at the office. And there was no ‘access port’ in the front. They found me twenty minutes later, standing in front of the urinal with both hands in my zipperhole, yelling, ‘I can’t get to my penis! I can’t get to my penis! Call 9-1-1 — my penis is trapped!‘

They gave me a Valium, a glass of water, and a box cutter, and told me to figure it out for myself. Man, that’s the worst Tuesday afternoon I’ve ever had.)

So, is it just me? Am I wrong about this phenomenon, somehow? I’d really hate to think that my ass is somehow manufacturing blue fuzz, somehow. Sure, that’d explain how they’re getting there, but I really think it would raise more questions than it would answer. And I’d have to take a good, hard look at my diet, too, I suppose. I don’t remember eating Grover, but hell — some of those comedy after-show parties get pretty wild; anything’s possible.