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I Think I’d Prefer the B.O., Thank You Very Much

I ran out of deodorant in the medicine cabinet today.

So, I trotted off to the ‘supply closet’ to find a fresh stick. And — thank you for your concern — I found one. Two, in fact.

Problem is, they’re a different brand than what I’ve been using. Now, that’s no big deal, really — I don’t care much what I apply under my pits in the morning. Sure, Right Guard, Speed Stick, Crisco — it’s all good.

But it seems that Mennen — my new brand, apparently — is doing some ‘creative marketing’ these days. Both the sticks I found in the closet are from the ‘Power of Nature’ series. I could choose from ‘Cyclone’ or ‘Avalanche’. Mmm. Tasty.

Is it just me, though, or does it seem like a bad idea to name your antiperspirant flavors after the sorts of things that would make you shit your pants in terror? Christ, if I’m caught in an avalanche, I’m gonna be sweating — and there’s no ‘personal care’ product that’s gonna do anything about it. I’m not even worrying about the state of my perspiratories in that situation; if I get out of an avalanche with clean undies, I’ll count it as a success. So why plaster ‘Avalanche’ on your deodorant?

Seriously, what kind of shit are these people smoking? Even the ‘Power of Nature’ thing is a crappy idea. Think about it. Once you get past the flower section, there is really nothing in nature that smells good at all. If you lumped all the odors in nature together into one combined smell — you know, like when you drew in one spot with all your Crayolas, and got that weird shitty brown-gray mess — I can guarantee you that it wouldn’t be pleasant. The only ‘powerful’ thing about all of nature together would be the funk. And not in the good way, either.

I’m trying to figure out what else is in this series, too. Cyclone and avalanche — where the hell do you go from there? Monsoon? Tidal wave? None of these things smell good — and again, they’re all pants-crap-inducing, to some degree or other. What’s next for these assmunchers? ‘Lightning Strike to the Crotch’? ‘Plague of Toads’? ‘Mob Hit’? Bah.

Anyway, long story ever-so-slightly-less-long, I picked ‘Avalanche’. It smells like Old Spice diluted with Pledge. Screw this. I’m goin’ back to wiping my wife’s ‘freesia and cinnamon’ hand lotion crap under my arms in the morning. That’s some nasty-smelling goop, too — and it makes my shirts all slickery — but at least it doesn’t make me fear for my life in some freakish ‘act of god’ weather-related disaster. That’s just the sort of shit I don’t need to think about at nine o’clock in the morning. Word.