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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Dude, You Read My Mind… Pervert!

From both the ‘Did I Really Write That?’ and ‘Activities That Are Probably Far Less Entertaining Than You’d Initially Believe’ departments:

I got a hit from a Google searcher a few minutes ago. And tracking backwards using his query terms, I found that I’m the #2 Google hit for:

midgets playing twister

I’m not quite sure how to feel, frankly. First of all, the post in question is the one — the only one; a sort of ‘farewell, but come visit the new digs’ type of post — that appears only on my old Blog*Spot site and not here.

(And maybe it says something about my state of mind at the time that it’s the only place where little people of any kind are mentioned in the same breath as Everyone’s Favorite Party Game [That We Like to Pretend Always Turns Into a Sweaty, Wanton Orgy But Never Actually Does]™.

Maybe that says I’m whacked. Maybe moving is just tough on you. But probably both.)

Apart from that, though, I find myself filled with questions about the whole thing. Deep, troubling questions like:

Has no one else out there ever typed those three words in that sane order? Ever?!

(This more specific search would suggest ‘no’, by the way.)

And if not… ooh, that’s not good. That means I might be the only guy who’s ever contemplated the phenomenon of ‘midgets playing twister’. Mommy, I’m scared.

Come to think of it, have I really contemplated it fully? I think not. I’m still not sure how such a game would work, with people who can’t fully cover the entire playing surface — which would seem to be a prerequisite, if I understand Twister correctly. Would they play on stilts, with broomsticks in their hands, maybe? On a miniature board — some sort of multicolored placemat, maybe? Would they just make all the spots ‘red’, to make it easier? Enquiring minds are mildly — and freakishly — interested, dammit!

Finally — and I suppose this answers an earlier question: who searches for that kind of thing?! It seems like I should feel better that someone else out there has thought of the same thing… but instead, it’s just creepy. Now there are two of us — quite possibly the only two in the world with this one wigged-out, bizarre thread in common. It’s like hearing that someone else out there uses flyswatters as a ‘marital aid’. Or finding somebody else who once accidentally pictured your grandma in that scene in 9 1/2 Weeks. Icky.

(Those are just examples, of course. *ahem* Not anything that I actually have, uh… yeah. Never mind.

But seriously, nobody would use a flyswatter to get their freak on. Even if you leaned in that particular creepy direction, it’s obvious you’d go for the bug zapper, instead. I mean, why ride a bike when there’s a Ferrari sitting in the driveway? It’s pretty simple, really.)

All right, what the hell was I talking about? Bug zappers and grandmas always get me a little distracted. And thirsty, but I think that’s different. I don’t know what it all means.

Anyway, back to the Twister midgets. I forget what my point was — I’m just a little creeped out, is all. I guess if the guy who made the search — and yeah, I’m pretty much assuming it was a guy — ever comes back, I can ask him why he was searching in the first place. And what he found. And what other sorts of creepy crap he does. Hey, maybe we were separated at birth. Freaky.

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