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Dude, I Don’t Know What You’re Looking For, But I Know I Don’t Have It

Mister Blog, that’s my name; that name again is Mister Blog!

So, the pervs are back. I thought we were done with them, but apparently they’re not done with me yet.

For those of you just tuning in — poor bastards — the pervs I’m referring to are those waves of Web searchers who find this site by querying for a certain bubbly, boobly blonde’s animated alter-ego. Now, I don’t want to encourage these folks by throwing down more terms for their searches to hit on, so we’ll just call the bimbo ‘Mamela Sanderson’, and her cartoon character ‘Ripper Stella’. You with me so far? If not, then you’ve either been living under a rock for a while, or you’re irretrievably dense. I’ll take pity on you and provide this link, so you can catch up to the rest of the class, but you need to know how slow you are. Work on that, okay?

Aanyway, I’ve covered this ground a few times, so I won’t go into detail here. If you’re really interested — I mean really interested, you can read this post, which points to the earlier comments I made on the subject. For the rest of you folks, suffice to say that I lampooned Pam’s… er, Mam’s, that is, show a few weeks back, and in the process littered a bunch of related words all over the blog. After a couple of days, Google indexed the site, and the anime wanker crowd got hold of it (with their ‘free hand’, I presume). Something like 90% of my hits came from these jokers looking for naked toon titties.

(Look, not to rehash old material here, but I just want to be clear that I’ve got nothing against raging horndogs, or internet porn, or even wacko nutjobs.

(As opposed to nutty whackjobs, which can be very painful, indeed.)

I mean, who doesn’t like a little spice in life — the occasional womens’ prison scene, or a dip in the old whipped cream from time to time? Who among us doesn’t need to get tha freak on once in a while?

It’s just that I don’t see the point of cartoon porn. Unless someone’s drawn something so outrageous that it would be impossible to recreate in the real world, then how is pen-and-ink flesh better than real, live fleshy flesh? I just don’t get it. And in this particular case, I really don’t get it. Not that, ahem, Mamela isn’t a lovely girl and all. She’s got the best bazoombas money can buy, so they’d better look good. But we can see her breasts — the real, in-the-silicone, ‘authentic’ items — on a million different web sites. We can print pictures of them, and order candid cam videos of… um, ‘Sommy Gee’, smacking ’em around with his nasty ‘Gee Willicker’. Christ, if she flung her tits around any more often, somebody’d dip ’em in plaster and give ’em a star on the Walk of Fame. So why the hell would we need a stylized, animated version? It just escapes me.)

Anyway, the point is, I was inundated with these search hits. And that was fine, for a while. Publicity is publicity, so I rolled with it. But it started to get old, and I wasn’t too terribly distraught when the post slipped off the bottom of the page and into the archives. Things went back to ‘normal’, and I was actually happier. Alone with the crickets and the tumbleweeds, since nobody actually reads this shit for its own sake, but happier. Of course, after a few days, the archive got indexed, and the sweaty, hairy palm crowd came surging back. At least they were confined to the archives, though, so I could sort out the ‘toony spankers’ from everybody else. I thought that’s how it was going to be for the forseeable future.

But then, just as suddenly, the hits stopped coming. This was a week or two ago. For some reason, my archive pages dropped off the radar screen, and the pervs stayed away. I don’t know how it happened, or why. Google’s just schizophrenic, I guess. But the hits tailed off, and leveled out, leaving me with just a small core group of returning customers. Life was good again, and I thought that’s how things would be from then on.

Sadly, Google’s capability for indecision knows no bounds, because as of a couple of days ago, the pervs are back in town. Hits are up, up, up in the archive.

(Though I suspect certain enthusiasms are down, down, down when the folks realize that I don’t have naked pictures lying around anywhere.)

Anyway, we’ll see how long this wave lasts before Google spazzes out again. Maybe next time it’ll index documents top to bottom. Or just the odd-numbered pages. Or nothing at all. Who the hell knows?

In the meantime, though, the rest of the archive is also indexed, which gives me a whole world of entertainment value.

(Which I already commented on once. And now I’m doing it again. I never promised you a non-redundant rose garden, people.)

For you see, queries for naked cartoon strippers are not the only searches that come down the pike. No, sir. Check out this partial list of other freaky cries for help that I’m unable to answer properly:

• where is hell — Hey, I’m the second hit! Does this mean that I’m nearly next in line to find out myself? I’ll go pack my swimming trunks!
• big schlongs — Yes, well. I don’t know about schlongs, in the plural, or big in the, you know, size sense. But I think we should talk. Call me!
• WOONSOCKET CALL OBITUARY ARCHIVES — This one sounds serious! I don’t know what you need, but if you want, I’ll drive over to Woonsocket to find it for you. Would that be okay?
• wedgie girls underwear tear pics — I’m not sure whether the searcher’s looking for ‘tear’ as in rip, or ‘tear’ as in ‘cry’. If it’s any help, when I give my wife a wedgie, there’s usually a little of both going on. Does that help at all?
• what happened to the dell intern chick — I don’t know, but let’s hope the guy who did that last search didn’t get hold of her.
• britney spears clogging cue sheets — I don’t even know what this means. Does that make me old?
• porkjuice — Folks, whatever you do, don’t try this search at home. Ewwww.
• rooting and shagging — I don’t know about you, but I’m always rooting for some more shagging. Nonstop, 24/7.
• yugo incest movie — Um… dude. I don’t even know what to tell you. That’s wrong on so many levels. Does it mean anything that this came through Google Italia, by the way?
• elastic wedgie — Well, you can’t have one without the other, now, can you? Two great tastes that taste great together. I wonder if this is the ‘tear girls’ guy again, getting back to basics?

So keep ’em coming, folks. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m doing my best over here. Unless it has to do with incest, or Yugos. Even I have my limits.