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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

You Asked for It, Buddy!

Here at Where the Hell Was I?, our motto is:

Ask, and ye shall… occasionally provide a topic for another silly bit of drivel.

With that in mind, imagine my hand-clapping, squealing-with-glee delight when I noticed an intrepid Googler asking for this just a few moments ago:

humor for “pisses me off” alternatives

Well, Spanky, I’m here to help. And I agree that it’s far too mundane to use the old ‘pisses me off’ standby. I never use that sort of pedestrian language any more.

(Except, of course, when I used it in whatever post that was Googled to bring the person here in the first place. Shaddup, you. I can smell the irony on my own, thanks.)

“You wouldn’t like me with my curlies plucked.”

So, I’ll share a few of my own favorite phrases to let the world know I’m mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take it any more. Or possibly that I am gonna take it any more, but I’m going to stamp my little feet and be really bitchy about it. So there.

Look, just read the things, would you? I’ll set the situation for you non-imaginative types:

That car just cut me off, and it really

  • zests my lemons!
  • napalms my nads!
  • powders my doughnut!
  • twists my nipples!
  • scalds my skivvies!
  • cauterizes my cockles!
  • milks my muffins!
  • whizzes my Wheaties!
  • noogies my afro!
  • pickles my pooper!

Of course, it occurs to me that having your muffins milked, or your nipples twisted, might not be so horrible, after all. Some of you might even enjoy having your poopers pickled, or your doughnut powdered. I wouldn’t want to speculate about your personal lives. This is a discussion for another time, I’m thinking. Another time with lots and lots of alcohol, probably.

It also occurs to me that this topic would make a spectacular addition to the Cliche-O-Matic. I’ll be making that so soon. Thanks, anonymous internet searching type person!

Of course, it’ll take me a week or longer to get around to that. Meanwhile, what’s your favorite pissed-off phrase? I know you’ve got one, and you’d better not keep it a secret from me. Because that would really pluck my curlies, dammit.

So don’t do that. You wouldn’t like me with my curlies plucked. Trust me. You wouldn’t.

Permalink  |  6 Comments

6 Responses to “You Asked for It, Buddy!”

  1. Jenny says:

    What… you’ve never heard the phrase “got my undies in a bunch?”

  2. RRaccoon says:

    “Rankles my cankles!”

    I just made that up! I’m so going to use it, too.

  3. Dottie says:

    Burns my buns – although Burns my balls sometimes comes out of my mouth instead…

  4. Chris Wilcox says:

    This whole line of thought really chaps my ass but that is so cliche that I am sure it drives you bonkers and if I did that you would retaliate and that would really put a weasel up my butt. And that would not be a pretty picture.

  5. Lori Hahn says:

    Just reading it grilled my gizzard.

  6. Maggie says:

    Ok. That does it. I’m linking you to my blog, dammit. Your blog so annoyingly funny it slaps my monkey, puffs my adder, and scrubs my potatoes. Blast! Like I need any more links.

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