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Time for Class, Goofyass

Last week, I mentioned that our Deli Juices sketch gang is getting together for more yuks.

And we are.

While I was guesting on Sir Kris Earle’s Time Travel show on radio WMFO — and we replayed the previous yuks, if that wets your whistle — we talked about writing more sketches. Like one based on my grammatical goofiness.

This is that thing. Because we can.

School Rhymes

[BILLY and TOMMY sit in classroom school desks, chattering at each other. Mr. Hibbert enters.]

HIBBERT: All right, class, settle down. We’ve had a full week of our new curriculum, where we learn everything in rhymes like ‘I before E, except after C’. So, let’s how we’re doing. Billy, what else do you remember from our grammar lesson?

[Billy stands up and clears his throat, a little unsure.]

BILLY: Um… There’s no room for ‘of’,

in ‘I could have been rich’.

The correct words is ‘HAVE’…

uh… you ignorant bitch!

HIBBERT: Very good, Billy! Now you, Tommy.

[Billy sits; Tommy gets up and motions while he recites.]

“Oooh, you remembered our hand motions. Gold star for you, Tommy!”

TOMMY: Don’t use ‘their’ with an ‘i’,

when you mean ‘they are’ or ‘there’.

If you keep that shit up,

I’ll set fire to your hair.

HIBBERT: Oooh, you remembered our hand motions. Gold star for you, Tommy!

[Tommy beams proudly. Billy, jealous, sticks his tongue out at Tommy.]

HIBBERT: Okay, class. How about science? Tommy?

TOMMY: A microscope’s used

to see a really small thang.

Like a bacterial cell,

or… uh… um…

[Mr. Hibbert helpfully coaxes Tommy toward remembering.]

HIBBERT: Douche…?

TOMMY: Or…

HIBBERT: Dooooouche… doooouche…

TOMMY: Or the douchey principal’s wang!

HIBBERT: There you go! You might want to practice that one a little more. Billy?

[Tommy sits, exhausted. Billy gets up.]

BILLY: Helium’s an element

they call a ‘noble gas’.

Like a post-burrito blowout

out Princess Kate’s ass.

[This time, Billy looks smug. Tommy fumes.]

HIBBERT: Excellent! And now it’s time for a math lesson. Repeat after me:

To cube is to multiply

to the third power.

BILLY AND TOMMY: To cube is to multiply

to the third power.

HIBBERT: Forgetting that’s like dropping

the soap in the shower.

BILLY AND TOMMY: Forgetting that’s like dropping

the soap in the shower.

HIBBERT: Super. We’re out of time today, class, so be careful going home.

[As Tommy and Billy leave, Mr. Hibbert yells after them.]

HIBBERT: Remember:

When crossing the streets,

check the lefts and the rights.

Or crossing guard Carlos

will punch out your lights!

Ah, good kids. Dumb as horse turds, but they’re good kids.