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The News Is So Much More Interesting in My World

Folks, maybe it’s the way that I see associations, even when there probably aren’t any there. Or maybe it’s because I get all my news from my ‘My Yahoo’ page, and then only rarely. Or maybe I’m just a slobbering douchebag. Whatever the case, I raised some serious eyebrow at the top two headlines I just saw together:

New Pope to Face Enormous Financial Issues

Advisors Oppose Silicone Breast Implants

Wow. I’m not sure which thing-that-will-get-me-sent-straight-to-hell to think first. I mean, on the one hand, it makes good sense, right? If you’re strapped for cash, then a luxury item like getting your tatas bodaciatized seems imprudent.

On the other hand, in this case it might be a good idea. After all, the next pope is going to be a man, right? And with a healthy set of implants close at hand… well, let’s just say that would cut down on the travel expenses and souvenirs. Hell, if I were him, I’d never leave the Vatican. I hope the showers have plenty of hot water in there. Yow.

Come to think of it, I didn’t even know the pope had advisors like that. Sure, there are guys hanging around to interpret the bible, and help with the laundry, and floss the papal teeth… but is this really a matter that comes up often? Are there really cardinals and priests and advisors waiting around for the pope to ask:

‘So… could my boobs be bigger? In a strictly pious sort of way, of course.‘

Maybe that’s not their only job, I suppose. These are probably the same clergy assigned to assure the pope that, ‘No, your eminence — the robe does not make your ass look fat.‘ Nice work, if you can get it.

Okay, that’s bad enough. But since we’re on the subject, just try not picturing a spritely John Paul from a few years back, sunning on his balcony with a perky pair of Partons. Can you fight back the image? If so, you’re a better person than I. And you’ll sleep a lot better tonight, too — that shit is freaky.

Of course, even when we’re done conjuring up images and frightening the children, there are still word games left to play. For instance, if I were rewriting the headlines to make them more interesting, using only the words in the originals, maybe they’d look like this:

Advisors Oppose Financial Issues

New Pope to Face Enormous Silicone Breast Implants

Sure, sure — the first one is pretty lame. But the second — damn. Whose vestments do you have to ruffle to get a shot at this ‘pope’ gig, anyway? If that’s the job description, I’ll give it a shot. It’s worth learning a little Latin for, that’s for damned sure.

All right, that’s probably enough. Obviously — for you lazy asses who didn’t check the links up front — the two stories weren’t related at all. We don’t even know who the new pope is yet — much less whether he’s naturally well-endowed. He might already have a set of man-boob B-cups or better, and then the whole idea is moot. And the boobjob story was some FDA thingy or other. Honestly, I didn’t really read it — once I saw there were no pictures to check out, I sort of moved on.

(And dammit, in going back to look again, I saw that they replaced ‘Advisors’ with ‘Panel’ — which is probably more accurate, but if I’d seen ‘Panel’, I probably would have never made this silly-assed connection. Popes don’t have ‘panels’, that I know of — but they’ve seemingly got ‘advisors’ crawling out from under their vestments whenever there’s an issue afoot.

If only I’d checked the page a few minutes later, we’d have both been spared the embarrassment above. I guess (bad) timing really is everything, eh?)

Anyway, as long as I’m here, let’s see if there are any other headlines in today’s news that would have been as entertaining, if paired up with the ‘plastic puppies’ story. Ah, yes. Here we go:

Spears Reveals Pregnancy on Her Web Site

Advisors Oppose Silicone Breast Implants

(Well, yah. Where the hell would the kid eat from? Won’t somebody think of the children? Or, in this case, the fetuseses?)

Or how about:

NFL Adopts Olympic Testosterone Standards

Advisors Oppose Silicone Breast Implants

(It’s the new, non-penis-shrinking, drug-free way to bigger pecs! And what a marketing opportunity for the league — ‘cross your heart’ quarterbacks and double-D cup defensive lines. The backfield isn’t the only thing that’s ‘stacked’ in this game, gents! Hut hut!)

Would you believe:

Meat, Milk from Clones Look Normal, Study Finds

Advisors Oppose Silicone Breast Implants

(Which is probably good — jesus, how many teats do cows have, anyway? Think of the ‘enormous financial issues’ that would cause!)

All right, I’m done here. Remind me never to read the news ever, ever again, would you? And I see why they changed the headline from ‘Advisors’ — asshats like me are going to take that kind of thing and run with it every time. Peter Jennings would have a fricking field day. Sheesh.