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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Sometimes the Hardest Choices Are Also the Silliest

So, I’m torn. Now I just can’t decide.

See, yesterday, I read an… um, interesting little story over at Lucky’s site. And, of course, I couldn’t resist commenting. (Look, I’m a smartass. It’s what I do. ‘To thine own snark be true‘, right?)

Anyway, Lucky was nice enough to send me an email response, to congratulate(?) me on making light of her — and I’m quoting here — ‘vaginal misfortune‘.

Well, needless to say, I was ecstatic. Giddy, even. I immediately wrote back to say that I would absolutely be using ‘Vaginal Misfortunes’ as a name, just as soon as I form a band, or write a book, or buy a boat, or have a kid.

(All of which are more or less equally unlikely. Except the kid thing. That’s just never happening.

But if it does, then ‘Vaginal Misfortunes’ it is. That’ll teach the lousy kid to be born. Ungrateful snotty bastard.)

Anyway, I was happy all day yesterday. Lucky was my new hero, and now all I had to do was find something that needed a name. I was heady with excitement. I skipped to meetings, and grinned my shit-eating grin, and generally annoyed the bloomers off of everyone who got near me.

(No, more than usual. Seriously. I know — it hardly seems possible, does it?)

Today, though, all of that’s changed. Now I’m conflicted. Confused. I’ll say it again — torn. For you see, today I took a quick look through my referer logs for the site, and I found that someone — some mysterious and troubled stranger out there — found this site by using the following search string:

orgasmic testicle manipulation

Well, dammit. ‘Orgasmic Testicle Manipulation‘. I don’t know who the hell goes around Googling that sort of thing (or how I ended up the number four hit on Google’s list, for that matter). What I do know is that ‘Orgasmic Testicle Manipulation’ can give ‘Vaginal Misfortunes’ a serious run for its money, any day of the week.

And now, I don’t know what to think. Each title has its own special, nasty, disturbing charm. But which is better? Let’s take a closer look:

Vaginal Misfortunes

Pros: It’s a bit shorter, and catchier; it would probably fit on a coffee mug; I got it from Lucky, who’s really cool; at six syllables, I could probably work it into a haiku; it makes open reference to genitalia

Cons: Lucky might want it back someday; it covers a whole range of topics that we’re all probably better off not thinking about

Orgasmic Testicle Manipulation

Pros: It would fit perfectly in a limerick — everything rhymes with ‘manipulation’; I can’t think of anything else that has the acronym ‘OTM’, so I could use it, too; it would look great on a T-shirt; of all the kinds of ‘testicle manipulation’ out there, it’s by far the best

Cons: I got it from a stranger, which is never good for anything involving the terms ‘orgasmic’, ‘testicle’, or ‘manipulation’, much less all three; it would look a tad unwieldy on my business cards

Aw, hell, I can’t choose. And frankly, maybe I’m not meant to. The two names are two halves of a whole, peas in a pod, boobs in a bra. Maybe Fate, or Nature, or that old guy George Burns played in those movies a few years ago, has delivered the two names to me as a matched set, not to be split up.

(Some things are like that, you know — would Abbott or Costello have been funnier without the other? Would Merrill or Lynch have made as much money? Would it really be worth having sex with just one of the Barbi twins? I think not.)

So I guess I’m gonna have to buy two boats, or write two books. ‘Cause I’m sure as hell not having twins, ‘Barbi’ or otherwise. Meh.

Permalink  |  6 Comments

6 Responses to “Sometimes the Hardest Choices Are Also the Silliest”

  1. Impatient says:

    Surely you could work them both into the same limerick?

  2. James D says:

    I’d go for the vaginal misfortunes, but that’s just because “testicle manipulation” (orgasmic or otherwise) brings some not-so-great images to my mind, while I don’t have to be troubled with vaginal problems.

    My .02 cents (yes, two hundredths of a cent!).

  3. tj says:

    thank goodness nobody mentioned “rectal foreign bodies” …

  4. Joe says:

    Oh man Charlie! This is my favorite post of yours in recent weeks.

    Keep up the great work!

    (Tell the other posts that I’m sorry, but it’s just the way I feel.)

  5. special k says:

    Ew. I hate the word “vagina” and derivations thereof (though I don’t have a problem with vaginas, per se…that could be problematic since I kinda have one), but the other one is a bit wordy, eh? Tough choice.

    I haven’t yet figured out how to find out that whole googly thread-finding thing, but I’m curious to see how people find me…though I would venture they would use search words like “underpants” or “lazy bitches who don’t do shit”.

  6. Jeff A says:

    Ahhh hahahahaha, your number one now with this post, way to get google’d!

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