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I Knew There Was Something Missing Around Here…

So, I’ve been thinking the past couple of days, and I realized something that I’ve neglected around here. In all my time here — more than a year and a quarter now — I’ve never once mentioned the word ‘nutsack’.

Now, don’t get me wrong — it’s not like I’ve been meaning to work ‘nutsack’ in somewhere. Even for me, it’s a little bit graphic and icky. Just a little bit. Not enough to stop me from saying it (obviously), but still — it’s not in my normal repertoire.

But then I got to thinking — a lot of people find this site by entering ridiculous, scary crap into search engines. They come here looking for things like… oh, I dunno, let’s just pick some examples from today’s logs:

• ass munching (#42 according to Netscape!)
• insect bitch (#4 in Google!)
• sleazy motel porn link (#4 in Google again!)
• and, scariest of all, snugglebunnies pajamas (#5 and #10 in Google — eek!)

Anyway, that’s just a smattering. Most days, it’s much creepier than that. There are some sick puppies out there, folks. And most of them seem to end up here, one way or another.

And you know what? That’s okay with me. I’m not proud. Nor am I entirely stable myself, or above searching for nasty, blush-inducing crap on the web. So screw it — I’ll give people what they’re looking for. And that brings me to my nutsack.

Well, okay — not my nutsack. Not anybody’s nutsack in particular. Just the word, really — ‘nutsack’. See, knowing the sort of ‘clientele’ that seems to be attracted to this site, I’m guessing that there are people out there who’d probably like reading this crap, and who — coincidentally, at least — are making ‘nutsack’ queries of some sort in one of the search engines. Frankly, it’s a ‘law of averages’ thing. If there’s anybody out there reading this, and anyone searching for ‘nutsack’, the overlap between those groups is gonna be huge. Maybe even perfect.

And I’ve looked through the archives, and found — much to my surprise — that the ‘nutsack factor’ has simply never come up before. But I feel like it’s an important ‘hook’ for my kind of readers, so I wanted to work it in. And now I have, more times than anyone this side of Redd Foxx or Dice Clay could possibly be comfortable with.

But I’m not done yet, people. Oh, no. Don’t call yet, because there’s more. That’s right.

See, I’m also guessing that there aren’t many people out there just searching for ‘nutsack’. The readers I know are a little warped, but they’re far more creative than that. No, most of the queries that might lead people to this promised land are going to involve compound terms. And I don’t want to leave anyone behind, so I should probably sprinkle a few of those in here, too, just to be sure. Let’s give it a shot:

• ‘decorative nutsack accessories’
• ‘nutsack memorabilia’
• ‘nutsacks, nutsacks — three bags full’
• ‘long-time nutsack, first-time caller’
• ‘ask not what your nutsack can do for you; ask what you can do for your nutsack’

Okay, that ought to take care of it. I look forward to a steady stream of curious pervs making their way here in the next few weeks, and wondering where all the nutsack info is hiding. Hopefully, they won’t be too disappointed. Never mind that I don’t actually have anything to say about ‘nutsacks’; this place just seems like the kind of site that you’d find if you searched for them. That’s all I’m saying.

(See what happens when I can’t think of anything else to write on Saturday afternoon? A passel of nutsacks. Man. I really need to plan these posts out in advance. Nutsacks. Sheesh.)